"Luis has terrible taste in cologne," I mutter, picking up a bottle of Paco Rabanne, sniffing it.
"What are you saying?" she cries out.
"The water-soluble spermicidal lubricant," I shout back, staring into the mirror, searching her counter for a Clinique Touch-Stick to put over the razor nick.
"What do you mean - where is it? " she calls out. "Didn't you have it with you?"
"Where is the goddamn water-soluble spermicidal lubricant? " I scream. "Water! Soluble! Spermicidal! Lubricant!" I'm shouting this while using some of her Clinique cover-up over the blemish, then combing my hair back.
"Top shelf," she says, "I think."
While looking through the medicine cabinet I glance over at her tub, noticing how plain it is, which moves me to say, "You know, Courtney, you should really get your act together and get your tub marbleized or maybe add some Jacuzzi jets." I call out, "Can you hear me? Courtney?"
After a long while she says, "Yes... Patrick. I hear you."
I finally find the tube behind a huge bottle - a jar - of Xanax on the top shelf of the medicine cabinet and before my dick totally softens place a small dab of it inside the tip of the condom, slather it on the latex sheath and then walk back into the bedroom, jumping onto the futon, causing her to snap, "Patrick, this is not a f**king trampoline." Ignoring her I kneel over her body, sliding my c**k up into Courtney and immediately she's pushing her hips up to meet my thrusts, then she licks her thumb and starts rubbing her clit. I watch as my c**k moves in then out then into her vagina with long fast strokes.
"Wait," she gasps.
"What?" I moan, puzzled but almost there.
"Luis is a despicable twit," she gasps, trying to push me out of her.
"Yes," I say, leaning on top of her, tonguing her ear. "Luis is a despicable twit. I hate him too," and now, spurred on by her disgust for her wimp boyfriend, I start moving faster, my climax approaching.
"No, you idiot," she groans. "I said Is it a receptacle tip? Not 'Is Luis a despicable twit.' Is it a receptacle tip? Get off me."
"Is what a what?" I moan.
"Pull out," she groans, struggling.
"I'm ignoring you," I say, moving my mouth down on her small perfect ni**les, both of them stiff, sitting on hard, big tits.
"Pull out, goddamnit!" she screams.
"What do you want, Courtney?" I grunt, slowing my thrusts down until I finally straighten up and then I'm just kneeling over her, my c**k still half inside. She hunches back against the headboard and my dick slides out.
"It's a plain end." I point. "I think."
"Turn the light on," she says, trying to sit up.
"Oh Jesus," I say. "I'm going home."
"Patrick," she warns. "Turn on the light."
I reach over and flip on the halogen Tensor.
"It's a plain end, see?" I say. "So?"
"Take it off," she says curtly.
"Why?" I ask.
"Because you have to leave half an inch at the tip," she says, covering her br**sts with the Hermes comforter, her voice rising, her patience shot, "to catch the force of the ejaculate!"
"I'm getting out of here," I threaten, but don't move. "Where's your lithium?"
She throws a pillow over her head and mumbles something, retreating into a fetal position. I think she's starting to cry.
"Where is your lithium, Courtney?" I calmly ask again. "You must take some."
Something indecipherable is mumbled again and she shakes her head - no, no, no - beneath the pillow.
"What? What did you say?" I ask with forced politeness, jerking myself feebly back to an erection. "Where? " Sobs beneath the pillow, barely audible.
"You are crying now and though it sounds clearer to me I still cannot hear a word you're saying." I try to grab the pillow off her head. "Now speak up!"
Again she mumbles, again it doesn't make any sense.
"Courtney," I warn, getting furious, "if you just said what I think you said: that your lithium is in a carton in the freezer next to the Frusen Gladje and is a sorbet " - I'm screaming this - 'if this is really what you said then I will kill you. Is it a sorbet? Is your lithium really a sorbet?" I scream, finally pulling the pillow from her head and slapping her hard once, across the face.
"Do you think you're turning me on by having unsafe sex?" she screams back.
