After her dinner date with Christian Dempsey, Colette had told her a bit more. From the way she talked, Alix could only assume that Colette had fallen in love with him. But if that was the case, she didn’t understand why Colette chose to avoid him.
“Do you feel like walking down to Pike Place Market with me?” Colette asked as Alix pulled on her jeans.
“Sure.” Alix’s Saturday was mostly free. Her future mother-in-law wanted to meet with her later in the day to go over the menu for the rehearsal dinner. Alix felt her stomach knot at the prospect of dealing with one more wedding detail.
Jordan’s mother meant well, and Alix tried hard not to say or do anything that would have a negative effect on their relationship. She did her best not to feel resentful. It’s just one day had become a mantra that she repeated incessantly. The problem was that Alix wasn’t willing to surrender everything. So far the only battle she’d really won had been over her wedding dress. Every other decision had gone to Jacqueline and Susan, and most of the time Alix’s wishes were ignored.
In her ongoing effort to keep the peace, Alix felt she’d swallowed her pride far too often. Worse, Susan and Jacqueline hardly seemed aware of her mounting frustration. So any excuse to delay the meeting with Susan was a welcome reprieve.
The morning had brightened, which improved Alix’s mood. But although the sun was out now, that didn’t guarantee it would stay out. Above all, April weather was unpredictable and today could end with a storm.
As they walked, Alix saw that Colette seemed more subdued than usual. She guessed that her friend was mulling over their earlier conversation.
“Are you seeing Steve anytime soon?” Alix asked, leading indirectly to the subject of Christian Dempsey. Colette had mentioned the Seattle policeman last week and for some reason, seemed reluctant to accept his invitation. She’d talked it over with Alix. Although not generally a fan of cops, Alix couldn’t see any harm in it and had urged her to go. The evening had turned out to be a success; according to Colette, Steve had been both attentive and charming. Alix wasn’t fooled, though. Colette was still hung up on her old boss, regardless of how she tried to convince Alix otherwise.
“I told Steve I’d go to the movies with him this afternoon,” she said without enthusiasm. “We’ll probably have dinner afterward.”
“So that relationship’s going well?” In contrast to the one with Christian Dempsey.
“Yes, if it’s any of your business.” Colette grinned. “Steve’s a lot of fun.”
Alix studied her friend. “Then why aren’t you jumping for joy? No, don’t tell me—let me guess.”
“Would you cut it out.” Colette rolled her eyes.
“Why are you dating this guy?” Alix asked abruptly. “You like Christian.”
Colette shrugged her shoulders helplessly as they waited at a red light.
“Colette, you have to do what will make you happy.” Alix nudged her as the light changed and they crossed the street, heading to the Hill Climb that connected the market to the Seattle waterfront.
“It would never work with Christian and me.” Colette held up one hand. “Before you ask, let me say I can’t tell you any more than that.”
“He’s not married, is he?”
“No,” Colette muttered as they continued walking.
“Was he abusive?”
“Of course not!”
“You should call him, you know.” Alix couldn’t see what was standing in their way.
“Oh, Alix, it’s much too complicated to explain. I wish things were different, but they aren’t.”
Colette picked up her speed and Alix had to work to keep pace with her. “Trust me, you can’t possibly say anything that’s going to shock me.”
Colette’s steps slowed then, and she looked at Alix with questioning eyes. “What if I told you—” She didn’t finish.
“Told me what?”
“That I drank too much and spent nearly twenty-four hours in bed with him,” she blurted out.
Alix waited, knowing there had to be more to this story.
“Aren’t you going to say anything?” Colette demanded, sounding angry now.
“If you’re looking for someone to judge you, it won’t be me,” Alix returned promptly. “If you want to talk about what happened, fine, but if you expect me to beat you up over it, you’ve come to the wrong person.”
Colette thanked her with a solemn nod. “It was the night of the company Christmas party.” Misery and guilt suffused her face. “We’d both had too much to drink.”
Alix gently placed her hand on Colette’s elbow. “You don’t have to tell me any of this.”
“I want to,” Colette said, but she avoided meeting Alix’s eyes. “You’ll probably understand better than anyone else. Until then, I didn’t realize how much I’d come to love Christian. He was so wonderful to me after Derek died, so compassionate and generous. And working so closely together, well…I suppose it was only natural that I’d fall for him. I hate to admit it. Falling for the boss is such a cliché.”
“Does he share your feelings?”
She shook her head. “I don’t think so. He’s dating someone else.”
“How do you know?”
“He ordered flowers for her at the shop. Roses—every week for a year.”
“Oh.”
A short silence ensued.
“Everyone makes mistakes,” Alix told her. “I certainly made my share. Jordan knows.” It practically killed her to tell him, but she had to do it. Laying out the sordid details of her past had been the most humiliating experience of Alix’s life. She felt deep shame, remorse, self-reproach and about ten other emotions too painful to name.
“You told him…everything about your past?” Colette asked. Immediately she seemed to regret posing the question. “You don’t have to answer that if you’d rather not.”
“I don’t mind answering. And yeah, I did tell him the whole story.” Alix lifted one shoulder in a shrug. “But I don’t make a habit of revisiting that time in my life. I’m an entirely different person now.”
“Of course you are.”
“Until Jordan, I didn’t know what to do with all the ugly baggage from my past. It dragged me down. Every time something good happened, like when Jacqueline and Reese invited me to live in their guesthouse, I kept thinking I didn’t deserve it.”
“But Alix…”
“Yes, I know. Jordan was great.” She paused, running one hand through her short, spiky hair. “He told me something I’ll never forget.”
Colette was staring at her intently. “What was that?”
“He said that sometimes the hardest part of forgiveness is forgiving ourselves.”
Colette nodded thoughtfully. “I’m not the kind of woman who does one-night stands. Or at least, that’s what I used to think. I always had contempt for women who did.”
“I never thought I’d sink as low as I did, either,” Alix said and swallowed the bile that rose in the back of her throat. The ugliness of the things she’d done had tainted her view of life until she’d made her peace with God—and with herself. “All I can say is I’m not going back there again.”
“You won’t,” Colette said with utter confidence. “Like you said earlier, you aren’t the same person you were then.”
“The point I’m trying to make,” Alix said, eager to turn the mirror away from herself, “is that you’re doing the same thing I was. The person you can’t forgive is you.”
Colette agreed with a quick smile. “It isn’t easy, is it?”
“Tell me about it.” This had been the most difficult aspect of her new life, and Alix wasn’t sure how to explain it to her friend. “These negative reactions? You know, when you expect the worst ’cause it’s all you deserve?” When Colette nodded, she said, “I call it stinking thinking.”
Colette frowned. “You mean when you start rehashing the past?”
“Yeah.” Alix closed her eyes. “But it’s more than that. Let me give you an example. Once, Tammie Lee, Jacqueline’s daughter-in-law, told me how pretty I looked in red. At the time I had on a black shirt with jeans.”
“So? She gave you a compliment.”
“She intended it as a compliment,” Alix explained, “only I didn’t hear it as one. Instead I convinced myself that Tammie Lee had purposely insulted me.”
“I’m sure she didn’t mean it that way!”
“She didn’t,” Alix concurred. “I don’t know if this’ll make sense to you, but it all goes back to those old messages I’d gotten as a child.”
“I think I understand,” Colette said slowly.
“Tammie Lee made a casual comment and what she intended as a compliment I turned into an insult. That’s because those messages told me I’d never been pretty so I couldn’t be beautiful, no matter what color I wore. Not only that, I assumed she was saying I wasn’t pretty the way I was.” She took a deep breath. “My mother used to call me horrible names. For years I heard her voice in my head—sometimes I still do, but now I know how to drown it out. Whenever I remembered her saying things like ‘You ugly little bitch’ I’d sink into this dark pit of depression.”
“Oh, Alix…”
“That’s one of the effects of not being able to forgive yourself—or to cut yourself loose from those hateful insults and accusations. No matter what wonderful things people say, you don’t believe them.”
Colette seemed to understand.
“Why should anyone love me?” Alix asked rhetorically. “If I don’t care about myself, then how can Jordan or anyone else?”
“Yes, but…In my case, it’s best to leave matters between Christian and me as they are,” Colette said, her voice low. “There’s more I can’t explain—stuff that’s not directly related to Christian and me. I care about him, but I can’t go down the path he’s chosen. I…want to help him, but I can’t. I have to simply walk away.”
“Can you?” Alix pressed. “Can you really do that?”
A long time passed before Colette answered. “I really don’t have any choice and yet…”
“Yet…” Alix pushed gently, knowing there was something else her friend wasn’t telling her.
“I don’t think we can ever get past what happened that…night.”
“Everything seems to go back to that,” Alix murmured.
Colette stopped walking for a moment, looking out toward the Sound. “We didn’t use birth control,” she whispered and Alix watched as she swallowed hard.
“You’re pregnant?”
Colette nodded, her eyes brimming with tears. “I haven’t told anyone…I don’t think I’ve really taken it in myself. Why is life like this?” she groaned. “Derek and I couldn’t get pregnant and then…then one night with Christian and—” She left the rest unsaid. “I haven’t figured out what I’m going to do. I’ll keep the baby, of course. Christian doesn’t know…Every time I try to tell him, I realize I can’t. For now, that’s for the best.”
