His hands tightened on the straps of his pack. Rationalizing away the action as necessary to secure the light burden, he kicked up his speed until he was moving too fast to concentrate on anything but avoiding the obstacles in his path.
Brenna knew something was wrong the second she woke. She became convinced of it when Andrew gave her a big grin at breakfast. He'd been in a shitty mood ever since she'd returned from fighting with Judd yesterday, having found out exactly how much time she'd been spending with the man. They had had such a blazing row over it that she'd spent the rest of the day with Lucy and a couple of other female friends, disgusted with the whole male race in general. But now her brother was acting eerily cheerful.
"What did you do to him?" she asked without the least attempt at subtlety.
Andrew managed to look hurt, stopping with his coffee halfway to his lips. "Nothing. I can't believe you asked me that."
She'd been his sister too long to fall for the act. "Spill it or I'm going over there."
"Fine." Grinning, he started to drink his coffee with overt enjoyment.
Terrified that her brothers really had done something, she almost ran to Judd's room. Again, the scent was of emptiness. Heart thudding triple-time, she tried desperately to convince herself he'd just done one of his irritating disappearing acts.
"I set him on a watch."
Startled by that familiar voice, she swiveled to face Hawke. "Where?"
"Why is that any of your business?" Pale, pale blue eyes watched her without blinking.
She fisted her hands. "Don't," she whispered. "Don't play games with me." Hawke knew everything that went on in his domain.
"A year ago, you wouldn't have dared speak to me like that."
A year ago, she'd been someone else. "Things have changed."
"I can see that." He didn't sound as if he minded. "But your brothers can't. Drop this thing with Judd before you push them too far."
"You're my alpha, not my keeper. I already have two of those. Two too many."
He actually smiled - alphas respected spine. To demand unquestioning obedience was the sign of a bad leader. "Your Psy is in the eastern quadrant. I'll give you a map."
She hadn't really expected an answer - Hawke despised the Psy as much as her brothers did - but now that she had it, she pushed for even more. "Will you stop Drew and Riley from coming after me?"
"They'll try to trace you." Reaching out, he ran his knuckles over her cheek.
She allowed the touch, because Hawke was safe - as her brothers, despite their pigheadedness, were safe. "I remember, you know, I remember that you all came for me. That you held me when I woke." Riley, her tough, stoic older brother had had tears in his eyes. Drew had told her off, such love in every harsh word, and Hawke, he'd just touched her, let her scent Pack and know she was home. "I'll never forget, but I need to run free."
"I know, sweetheart." Dropping his hand, he gave her an inscrutable look. "I haven't told anyone else about Judd's location. You'll have maybe four days before your brothers track you down if you leave now and take one of the all-wheel drives. You'll have to shift and run the last part, but you should still beat him there. He's on foot."
The idea of running as a wolf made her want to break out in a cold sweat. She fought the reaction, which would be inexplicable to any other changeling. If Hawke sensed it, he wouldn't stop until he'd stripped her most shameful secret from her and it was something she wanted no one to know. "Four days?"
"The cats owe me a favor or two. I'll get Sascha to say you're with her. If I know your brothers, they'll give you three days before they decide to pay a friendly visit."
Smiling, she put her hands on his shoulders and reached up on tiptoe to kiss his cheek. "Thank you."
He held her to him. "You sure about this, Bren?"
"Yes."
Chapter 11
Returning to the family quarters with Hawke by her side, she sniffed past her smug brothers and packed a bag. When she came out of her room, Drew was scowling and Riley looked flat-out pissed.
"Don't even try to stop me," she said. "I need to be away from you two."
"We didn't do anything." Drew threw up his hands. "I don't think you should - "
"If you don't let me go today, I swear I'm moving back near the campus." To the hillside apartment she'd taken such pride in before Enrique had come into her life and turned her into a terrified little mouse too scared to leave the den. Well, no more!
Riley swore. "Those cats better take good care of you."
"Sascha won't let them do otherwise," Hawke said, slightly mollifying her siblings. "Come on, Bren. I'll walk you to the car." He shook his head when Drew and Riley tried to follow. Neither looked happy, but they obeyed.
Sighing, she went back and kissed them both. "I need to become a wolf again." Truer than anyone knew. "I'll see you in a few days."
"Don't let any of those leopards sweet-talk you," Drew muttered, hugging her. "One scratch, one fucking scratch, and I'll rip out their guts."
"I'll be fine." When he finally let her go, she picked up her bag and made her escape. "I feel so guilty," she muttered when she was sure they were out of earshot.
"Don't." Hawke led her down to the garage level after a small detour to pick up the map. "You're a full-grown wolf, not a pup."
Stopping beside the forest-adapted vehicle, she threw her bag into the back. "Why haven't you gone overprotective on me, too?"
"I'm your alpha. My job is to make sure you're a healthy member of the pack, not a crippled one." Ruthless words, but Hawke had never been a man who cloaked the truth. "Go and do what you need to do to put the pieces back together."
She nodded and hugged him, understanding the deep caring that underlay words outsiders might've read as brutal. "I will." She would not let Enrique win. And she would not let Judd Lauren run from this...whatever it was.
Hours later, she emerged into the small yard in front of the cabin to find Judd waiting for her. Startled, she gasped. "How did you beat me here? I drove!"
His eyes flicked over her and she knew he'd noted everything in that single glance, including her lack of luggage. "You ran from the car in human form."
It was as if she'd been waiting for this moment, for this man, because she opened her mouth without any forethought and admitted the secret she'd gone to such great lengths to hide. "I can't go wolf." She hadn't meant to sound so shattered, but now a tear was streaking down her face and it was hot and wet and angry. "He broke me! That goddamn bastard broke me!" She turned and slammed her fisted hands against the trunk of a nearby tree. "He broke me!" Her bones vibrated from the impact as she brought her fists down for the second time.
"Stop." Male hands closed over her own from behind. "You'll injure yourself."
Lured by the touch, by the scent of him, she leaned back against his body. "I can't go wolf." It was a whisper this time, the anger washed away in that single pained outburst.
"I've seen you use your claws." His tone was icily Psy as always, but he'd curved his body protectively over hers.
The realization calmed her but not enough to stop her voice from trembling. "I can change in parts - claws, sometimes the teeth, but that's harder. My strength and speed haven't been affected. Same with my sense of smell and sight."
"Like Dorian."
"Yes." The DarkRiver leopard had been born lacking the ability to shift, but was, in all other ways, changeling. "But I wasn't born latent. He crippled me." Hawke's earlier words now took on new resonance. What would he say when he realized the extent of her impairment? "I'm damaged...maimed."
Judd didn't release her hands even when she dropped them to her sides, his touch firm and cool against the heat of her skin. "Have you told the healers about this? It may simply be that your body hasn't had enough time to fully recover from your injuries."
"I haven't told anyone."
Except him. Judd knew that should've made no difference, but it did. "Come. We'll talk inside." He tried to release her hands but she held on, her back pressing harder against his chest. He allowed her to prolong the contact. That was when the first warning signal flared in his brain, but there was no pain. Not yet. "What is it?"
"I'm scared." A tiny, shaken whisper. "It must be nice to not feel, to never be afraid."
"It's also a kind of crippling." Done by parents to their own children. "You don't want to be what I am." The idea of a cold, emotionless Brenna made him tighten his hold on her. A second warning sparked to life.
Pulling away her hands in a changeling-swift move, she twisted to put her arms around him. "Please."
There would be a price to pay. There always was. But Judd raised his arms and wrapped them around her smaller frame anyway, tucking her head under his chin. He could feel her trembling from the force of her tears. He wanted to halt those tears but didn't know how. So he did as she'd asked and held her, aware all the while of the building strain at the back of his head, the dull thud that announced an impending psychic backlash.
That backlash - the use of pain to coerce compliance - was called dissonance. Judd had found the term in an old and highly classified Psy-Med Journal article, an article he'd hacked into after figuring out something as a teenager - that Silence, at its simplest, was built on a foundation of reward and punishment. The larger the breach of conditioning, the stronger the pain.
The journal article had referenced a scientist named Pavlov's early experiments with dogs, as well as several later papers that expanded on his theory. Judd hadn't been able to access all those papers, but he had found enough to confirm his suspicions...and understand that his Council had trained him the same way you would a dog. Burn a dog enough times and he'll begin to fear fire. Shock a child with pain every time he laughs and he'll learn to never so much as smile. A dehumanizing equation but one Judd could not permit himself to break. No matter what the temptation.
