First Day, Round Two
I woke up screaming and throwing my hands out on the bed, trying to stop myself from going over that cliff again. My heart raced as I screamed over and over, not able to fully disassociate from that horrid nightmare. Warm arms scooped me up and a soft voice hushed in my ear repeatedly. Eventually my mother's calm voice tore me into reality and I let the dream go, my screams shifting to sobs. God, I hated dreaming about driving. Even with Darren's help...I hated dreaming about driving.
Mom crawled into bed with me and stayed there until she had to work the next morning. I embarrassingly clutched her tight, reluctant to let her leave, scared the nightmare would find a way to return and haunt me, even awake. She softly kissed my forehead and whispered that everything would be alright and she'd be back as soon as she could.
I stayed awake, staring at the cracks of my ceiling and begging my mind to stay blank. It didn't. Flashes of rain and road and blood streaked my vision. Memories of screaming swirled in my brain, some Lil's, some mine. I was still staring at the ceiling when Sawyer appeared in my door. I blinked as I looked over at her, wondering how long I'd been lying in bed, swirling in dark thoughts. She started to explain that she'd been knocking for forever, when she noticed the look on my face and immediately stopped talking.
"Luc? What is it?" She came to the edge of the bed and sat, brushing some hair off my forehead.
"Nothing...I'm fine." Even as I said it, I felt a tear dripping down my cheek. Her thumb brushed it off and she immediately crawled under the covers with me, slinging both arms around my neck.
"It's okay, Lucas. It's okay." Her soft voice cooed in my ear and any strength I had left in me failed. I caved into the despair that my nightmare had filled me with. My arms slung around her body and I sobbed. Heart wrenching sobs that I couldn't hold back anymore. It was embarrassing and I hated doing it, but I couldn't stop the overwhelming grief anymore than I could stop the stuttered breaths I was taking.
Sawyer never complained or tried to pull away from my ever tightening embrace. She slipped a hand into my hair and rubbed her other down my back in soothing patterns. Eventually, her voice and her calming touch soothed me to silence. Either that or I'd exhausted every tear in my body. Probably the latter.
With a few ragged breaths, and a quick swipe of my nose on my sleeve, I pulled back to look at her. She smiled warmly at me, her black hair pulled back into the childish pigtails that I'd seen on her that very first day of school. I lay back on my pillow and she propped herself up on an elbow, gazing down at me. I sniffled a couple times and looked away from her, embarrassed. I felt her fingers brush over my forehead again and then down to my cheek, turning me to look at her. With sheepish eyes, I did.
"I have some assignments for you."
I smiled genuinely and relaxed back into the pillows, grateful that she wasn't going to ask about my breakdown, grateful that she wasn't even going to mention it. I laughed lightly and ran a hand across my eyes, hoping to wipe away the remnants of my despondency.
"Oh good...I was getting a little bored."
She gave me a quick smile, her eyes glancing over my face before resting on mine again. "I'll just go get my bag." Her face hardened into seriousness. "I'll be right back, Lucas."
I swallowed and nodded while she slipped out of my bed and out of my room. I flung an arm over my eyes and tried to not be too embarrassed over my meltdown. I still was though. Just as I was thinking that I should go out to her, I felt her return to my room and heard her rummage through her bag. I peered out from under my arm when I felt her lift the covers and crawl back into bed with me. She'd taken my letterman's jacket off and draped it over her bag on the floor, and was playing with the too-long sleeves of her shirt, as she balanced a book on her knees under my sheets.
I sat up and leaned back against the wall, smiling at her familiar habit. When I was somewhat alert enough to listen to my homework, she started laying everything out for me. I cringed over our math homework and smiled over the easy essay Ms. Reynolds had given us. Before I knew it, Sawyer was glancing at a clock on the wall and cursing, muttering that she was late.
She slipped out of my bed and started putting her stuff back together. I scooted around to the edge and sat up, putting my feet on the ground. I watched her shove stuff in her bag and hurriedly put my jacket back on. This was the last time she'd be coming over to give me my homework assignment. I wasn't sure if her protective parents would even let her visit after this, and her being in my room right now may be the last time that ever happened.
I reached out for her hand once she had everything all ready to go. I found it swinging freely at her side and laced our fingers together. She looked down at where we joined and smiling softly, looked up at me.
"Thank you, Sawyer...for everything." I softened my gaze and hoped that she understood that by 'everything' I truly did mean everything - much more than just bringing me my homework daily. She may not understand, but she'd helped me practically survive my isolation. I don't think I could have done it without her.
Her eyes watered as she held my gaze. "You're welcome, Lucas." She swallowed and shook her head lightly. "Well, I guess I'll see you Monday then. I'll kind of miss coming over." She cocked her head to the side as her thoughts ran in line with mine; I was going to miss that too. She shrugged lightly. "Maybe my parents will be okay with short visits..." She let the sentence trail off and bit her lip.
I smiled and nodded, trying not to get my hopes up. "I hope so...I'd really like that." She nodded and I stood up, encircling her in a warm hug. She paused for a moment and then returned the gesture. I resisted the urge to kiss her head and whisper just how much she meant to me. I resisted the urge to tell her how sorry I was that I was so messed up emotionally, that I couldn't give her what I suspected she wanted from me. And I resisted the urge to pull her in tighter, to never let her go. Instead of all that, I held her for another couple seconds, and then I let go and took a step back. "See ya Monday, Sawyer."
She nodded and adjusted her bag on her shoulder before turning to exit my room. I stopped her at the door. "Sawyer?" She turned and looked back at me inquisitively. "How bad is school going to be?"
She grimaced and looked down. I didn't take that as a good sign. Sighing, she reluctantly raised her head to look at me. "Most people think you took something, got high or drunk...or something. I heard Brittany saying that she saw you take some pills outside of Art class." She shook her head while I frowned at the predictable gossip mill. "And then, that bitch spends most of choir telling stories about how you get messed up every night and show up on her doorstep, trying to have sex with her." A faint blush filled her cheeks as anger went through her. "She always looks at me when she says that, like you're cheating on me or something." Her face went white after she said that. "Not that we're a couple. It's just...they all believe that we..."
I shook my head as she sputtered a few times, trying to explain herself. "I know, Sawyer. I understand." The school had unfortunately linked Sawyer to me from practically day one, even with my failed attempts to not bring unwanted attention to her. I frowned as I considered Brittany's flat-out lies. Interesting that she'd paint me in that light for the school. Well, I always had suspected that she was more interested in me than she let on. This was a way for her to live out a fantasy with me and make me look even worse, all at the same time. Win-win for her, I suppose. It wasn't like I was going to call her out on the lie. No one would believe me anyway.
I smiled crookedly, knowing no humor was in my face. "Oh well, I suppose it could be worse." I sighed as she nodded and looked down. I remembered my suspicions that she was being ridiculed more than she let me see and walked over to her, placing a hand on her arm. "Are you okay, Sawyer? Do they...am I making things worse for you? Would it be better for you, if we weren't friends?" I whispered that last part, hoping she wasn't going to say "yes" and take the opportunity to walk away from me.
Her head snapped up and her wide eyes looked over my face, surprised. "No, no, Lucas...don't ever think that." Her hand sneaked up to rest on my chest and she took a step closer to me. "You make my life better, Lucas. If you only knew how much..." She bit her lip and shook her head, her eyes starting to water again. I scrunched my brow, confused, and started to ask a question, but she interrupted me. "Don't worry about what they say to me. I don't care. None of that matters to me - the clicks, the gossip, I don't care." She brought her other hand up to rest it on my chest, her fingers lightly pressing into me as she leaned closer. "This is what matters to me." She swallowed and searched my face. "You...you are what matters to me."
I swallowed and warmth flooded through me. My comfort, the only living person who really brought me true peace, found peace in me as well. I didn't understand how that was possible, how I could in any way bring her joy, but somehow, I seemed to and that thought made me feel content and full - full of something I didn't even know how to completely express. I shook my head at her, a huge smile lighting my face. "You don't know what that means to me, Sawyer. You couldn't possibly understand how much I love you."
I froze as what I'd just said registered with my head. In all the time I'd had with Lillian, I'd never actually said those words to her. And here, now, I'd known Sawyer for only a few months and the words had slipped out effortlessly. I watched her face pale and her mouth drop open. I vaguely remembered that this wasn't the first time I'd told her I loved her. Some hazy memory of a drug-tainted conversation floated around my head, but embarrassment at my behavior then, and my outburst now, forced it back. Not knowing what else to do, and not really understanding what I meant by telling her I loved her, I quickly added, "As a friend, my best friend."
Her mouth closed and she swallowed, a strange emotion momentarily passing over her face before her peaceful smile returned. "I love you too, Lucas...as my best friend."
I smiled at her words, and the fact that I'd gotten myself over that could-be friend altering situation. I pulled her in for a tight hug before pulling back and playfully pushing her away. "You'd better go. You're already late and you'll never convince them to let you come over, if I'm always getting you home late."
She laughed and nodded. "Yeah, you're right. Have a good weekend, Lucas."
Mentally I frowned at the prospect of more long days without her, but to her, I only nodded. "You too, Sawyer."
Monday morning came without much fanfare, just a light drizzle in the crisp November air. I dressed and got ready for school with a knot in my stomach. I'd been gone for awhile now and while my exile hadn't been pleasant, neither was the thought of roaming through those halls again, of feeling all the hot stares and hushed voices as I walked past. I'd gotten pretty good at tuning that out before the incident, but now it sort of felt like I was starting the year over. Well, at least I had Sawyer with me. That helped tremendously.
Finished with getting ready, I smoothed a hand over my white, long-sleeve shirt and studied myself in the mirror of the bathroom. I'd run some product through my wavy hair, trying to tame the mess, and shaved this morning, but even to my eyes I looked freaked out. The hazel irises staring at me in the mirror were just a bit too wide, the breath coming out of the pale lips before me, just a bit too fast. I splashed some water on my face and closed my eyes, taking long, deep breaths.
I didn't need another bout of panic attacks. After my first horrid day of school, those had actually subsided and I didn't need them popping up again. Of course, I also attributed that to Sawyer and her calming presence. I opened my eyes and forced a smile to my stressed face. I'd see her soon and most, if not all, of my anxiety would slip away with her perky smile.
I shuffled out to the kitchen and started a pot of coffee for my mother and me. She'd been out late last night, picking up an extra shift at the diner and I'd woken up before her. I made the pot extra strong, feeling like we'd both need the boost today. Just as I was sitting down at the small table, she appeared in the doorway, yawning and stretching slightly.
She smiled at me and ruffled my hair, ruining whatever semblance of put togetherness I'd achieved this morning. It didn't really matter to me, so I returned her warm smile. She frowned when she saw it and I realized I was still using my forced smile, my face wouldn't relax into a genuine one.
"Do you want me to call the school, Lucas? One more day surely wouldn't hurt anything." She ran a hand down my cheek, looking over my features as she worried about me.
I swallowed and attempted to smooth out my rigid smile. "No, one more day won't help anything either. I need to get this over with."
She nodded and stared at me for a few more long moments before pouring herself a mug and sitting at her spot at the table, the same spot the sheriff had been at last week. I thought about that conversation as Mom took her first sip of the steaming beverage. "Did you have a good visit with Sheriff Whitney last week?" she asked quietly.
I looked up at her face, a little startled that our thoughts were running so parallel with each other. "Um, yeah...I guess." I wanted to ask her what she was doing telling such personal things about our life to such a high profile person, but I couldn't get the words out to question her. She gave up enough for me already, if she needed someone to talk to...well, I'd prefer it wasn't him, but that wasn't really up to me.
She nodded and a small smile lit her lips before she took another sip. She grimaced a little bit and I twisted my lips consolingly. "Sorry...it's a little strong, isn't it?"
She chuckled and looked up at me over her cup. "Yes, even for you." She lowered her mug and her voice softened. "But, I suppose you needed the extra help today." Her eyes misted over as she continued staring at me. "I'm sorry, Lucas...for what today is going to be for you."
I nodded and darted my eyes down to my mostly full cup. I busied myself with draining it, shutting my head off at the sight of my mom getting emotional over my well being. That sight would surely unhinge me today, and I didn't need it right now. Right now, all I needed to do was focus on maintaining my inner peace. The rest would surely work out just fine.
I was practically inhaling the bottom of my cup when a honk at the door signaled Sawyer's arrival. A true grin spread on my face as I looked over to the window and saw her checking out her appearance in the rear view mirror. I looked over at my mom to say goodbye and she was watching me with a small, crooked smile.
"What?" I asked cautiously.
She shook her head. "Oh, nothing." Her eyes flicked to the window and then back to me. "I'm just glad that there is someone out there who can make your face look like that again." Her eyes got momentarily wistful, and clouded over again with what could easily become tears.
I looked down and shrugged, not wanting to delve into Sawyer's and my relationship. It was too complicated for me to think about on most days, I didn't need her trying to analyze it too. "I better go, she's waiting."
She stood and gave me a swift hug. "Of course, dear." She pulled back to look at me, her eyes slowly sweeping over my face, taking me in. "Have a good day, Lucas."
I gave her a half-hearted grin before picking my bag and jacket off the floor near the front door. "I'll try," I said softly, as I slipped them both on. With one last hug to her, I opened the door and waved to Sawyer with a surely idiotic grin on my face. It had been a long time since I'd seen her in the morning.
Sawyer waved back at me and then my mom in the doorway as I opened her door to get inside. The all too familiar lemon scent washed over me and I was instantly calm. The familiarity of the fragrance eased my breath and my squeezed heart. I exhaled slowly and sank back into the seat as she pulled out of my drive. With one final glance at my mom's retreating figure at our front door, I turned my head to face Sawyer.
"Hey," I said pleasantly, practically with a spring in my voice.
She looked over at me and grinned, her face beaming under that curtain of straight, dark hair. "Hey, yourself. You're in a much better mood than I expected to find you in." She raised an eyebrow at that and then turned her attention back to the road.
I laughed and turned my attention to the road, to the threat of school looming before us. "Not really, I'm just glad to see you."
I felt her turn to look at me and met her gaze. "I'm glad to see you too. I've missed this."
My eyes softened as I looked at her while she turned back to the road, the early morning sun glinting off her freshly applied lip gloss and a strand of dark hair straying close to her eye, begging to be tucked behind her ear. She really was quite beautiful. "Really?" I whispered, without meaning to say anything.
She turned back at me, and her eyes softened as well as they looked over my face. Her eyes lingered on my lips and a strange feeling welled up in me before she suddenly broke the contact, and firmly fixed her eyes to the road ahead of us. "Well, yeah." She shrugged nonchalantly. "I didn't have anyone to complain over my music choices."
She gave me a sly grin before reaching down and turning up the volume on her indie, chick rock. I groaned dramatically and rolled my eyes, grateful that the odd feeling was leaving me and the familiar comforting peace was returning. We both chuckled as we listened to her man-hater music for the last few minutes before we reached my personal hell - Sheridan High.
She shut the car off, the music suddenly stopping mid 'I'm better off alone' sentence, and I felt a crushing dread close in on me. My chest squeezed as I looked out over the assortment of cars already on the lot. I noticed more than a few - Will's, Randy's, Brittany's, and the battered pickup that Josh had been driving this year. Looking at the cars was like looking at a lineup of the people who would love to see me be run over by them. I tried not to care, but my chest started hurting and my breath started hitching. It was getting harder and harder to keep it even.
A warm hand touched my far cheek, carefully turning my head. I looked over to Sawyer's calm face. "I'm here, Lucas. It will be okay." She nodded encouragingly and cupped my cheek with her hand.
I swallowed and held eye contact with her, feeling that serenity wash over me. I could do this. Just a few more months and I'd be gone. I could do this. My breath evened and the ache in my chest loosened. With one last long exhale, I nodded my readiness to her and opened the door.
We made it all the way to the main building doors with barely more than double takes from the student body. I was starting to feel calm and confident that everything would be fine, well, normal anyway, which was usually me being completely ignored, which was fine. I opened the heavy door and gallantly ushered Sawyer inside, her breath a visible puff as she laughed at me in the chilly air. I laughed with her and together, we walked through the doors like any pair of normal high school students.
But I wasn't normal. I wasn't really wanted around here. And as the heavy door slammed shut ominously behind me, I was reminded of that fact but a heated set of eyes.
"Oh good...you're back. Enjoy your time off?" Josh leaned back against the row of lockers directly in front of the main doors and sneered at me, his arms crossed over his chest.
Anger swelled in me, as I thought back to what this little punk did to me two weeks ago - the embarrassment, the banishment, but mainly, the forced separation from my best friend. I didn't give him a chance to say much else, as a low noise surprisingly came out of my chest and the words, 'you son of a bitch!' rested on the tip of my tongue.
But I didn't get a chance to say it, as my hand was suddenly grabbed and pulled harshly away from my body, and I had little choice but to follow it. I started to pull away from the hand, to return to where a smirking Josh was slapping a friend of his across the chest and muttering something that made his small group laugh and point after Sawyer and me.
"Don't, Lucas. He's not worth it."
I turned my face and found my voice heated when the words finally did come out. "He drugged me, Sawyer. He deserves to get his ass kicked!" For a moment, I pictured Darren blowing his top and slamming his brother back against the lockers. Darren could be fiery when he got going and, while he'd never taken a swing at his brother, I knew he would have if the situation called for it. And this situation definitely called for it.
Sawyer continually tugged my hand, pulling me away from the fight I was all geared up for. "True, he does," she muttered sullenly. Stopping when we finally reached the stairs, she gently put a hand on my cheek. "But not in the middle of the hallway, around all these people. Not when you have one strike against you already. You don't need the trouble, Luc."
I sniffed and my body started to shake with the desire to do...something, hit...something. It had been a long time since pure anger had coursed through me and for a moment, I let that heat rush through my veins and darken my countenance. "Maybe I want the trouble," I nearly growled. Josh had gone too far this time. Maybe getting expelled would be worth it.
Sawyer's eyes widened, but she was interrupted by a voice behind her before she could say anything to that. "Is there a problem here?"
I looked over Sawyer's shoulder to Coach Taylor standing behind her. I instantly straightened my stance at seeing the imposing man, who'd been an authority figure to me for a long time. "No, Coach," I automatically replied. The heat left me as I stared at him, and my voice lost its hard edge.
Coach had always been tough, but fair, on Darren and me and we'd grown to respect him. Darren used to always joke that Coach could be my long gone dad, since he really did look like an older version of me - a crew cut in the same brown as my scruffy head, the same hazel eyes, if a little more intense on him, the same chin, the same nose, the same overall build. I always laughed it off when Darren got into hysterics about it though. I may not actually know my...biological, but I knew the coach was not him. For one, I've seen pictures of my dad and he and Coach look nothing alike. Secondly, I really didn't like to think about Coach getting it on with my mom. Ugh.
Coach sniffed and cocked his head as he looked at me and then down the hallway to where Josh and his friends were still laughing. "Let's talk, West." He crossed his arms over his blue and white polo, the school's colors, and narrowed his eyes at me. The look in them did not invite questioning.
"I have to get to class..." I shrugged lamely and nodded my head in the direction of the stairs. Sawyer beside me shifted uncomfortably, looking like she wasn't sure if she should stay by my side or leave me alone with the coach.
He sniffed again and twisted his lips, the look on his hard face displeased that I had decided to question him anyway. "That wasn't a request."
I looked down and nodded before giving Sawyer a 'sorry' face, and telling her I'd meet her in English. She nodded back at me and then quickly glanced over the intimidating man beside me, before hurrying up the stairs. I watched her leave for a second, turning the corner and being followed by what seemed like a squadron of kids, and then I sighed softly and twisted to face the coach.
He immediately started in on the speech he'd probably prepared for me on day one. "I've invested a lot of time in you, West, and this is how you repay me?" His arms crossed on his chest moved to his hips and his face took on a stern look, all sharp angles and hard edges, not looking much like me at all anymore. "You ditch the team your senior year, not even bothering to show up for tryouts this summer, or even telling me you weren't going to." He pointed irritably down the hall where a few students were watching us converse, or rather, watching the coach converse at me. "You left me stuck with McKinney as your replacement for God's sake."
"Will's good..." I tried meekly.
His eyes narrowed as his voice got even sterner. "Will's got good feet, but his hands are crap. He's more awkward with the ball than a freshman trying to unhook his first bra. We needed you this year."
I looked away from him. "Things came up..."
He snorted irritably and I looked back. "Yeah, I know all about what came up." His hard eyes took on a disapproving look. "Getting hammered with your friends, getting behind the wheel when you shouldn't have, getting them killed..."
His face surprisingly softened in a way I'd never seen before, and my throat closed up. God, I did not want to cry in front of this man. He put a hand on my shoulder in a rare show of compassion. "They will be missed...Darren especially." An odd half smile lightened his face and I blinked at seeing it; Coach didn't smile much, even if we won the game. "Now, he had great hands. I'd of made him quarterback, if he wasn't such a great running back."
As his words died between us, and his momentary softness over the deceased students passed, his eyes and face hardened right back up. I swallowed and tried to focus on what he was saying, and not how he was making me feel. Besides the pang of my friends being mentioned, no teacher had yet to outright call me a drunk like that, and my stomach was twisting painfully. Coach never was one to mince words though. He removed his hand from my shoulder and stuck both hands on his hips again. "I would've taken you back, even with all that. I would have drug tested the hell out of you, and probably kept you on the bench more than usual, but I'd of taken you back. I'd of gotten you sober and gotten you back out on that field."
I sighed and bit my tongue; he wouldn't believe my innocence, even if I tried proclaiming it. Coach was not easily swayed once he went down a path. And right now he was firmly on the 'Lucas has gone to the dark side' path. He tossed one hand up in the air as he shook his head. "But then you go and get high at school, and prance around my pep rally like it's your own personal rave! What the hell was that, Lucas West?"
I swallowed my embarrassment and my pride, and bowed my head, not saying anything. Finally, he made a disgruntled noise. "Sports would have been a better outlet for you, West. It still would. It's too late for football, but maybe you'll consider something else. Baseball...or something."
His voice softened, just fractionally, and I glanced up at him. Some of the hard edge was gone from his face and his brows were slightly scrunched, almost like he was concerned. "Anything but drugs and alcohol, Luc." Then he dropped his head and the stern mask of adolescent disciplinarian completely fell off his face. He sniffed a bit and lightly shook his head, while a tender emotion uncharacteristically entered his voice. "I'd hate to lose another one."
Without looking at me again, he clapped my shoulder roughly and strode off down the hall, barking at a few loitering students to get to class as he did, the stern disciplinarian snapping right back into place. I found that I couldn't move after he left. My vision swam as my eyes watered and I could just barely make out the shape of Coach leaving the building. There had been a time when his stern words meant everything to me. He could crush me or lift me with one sentence. He apparently still had that effect on me and I swallowed several times to fight back my overwhelming guilt and remorse. He was wrong about me...they all were, and sports didn't matter much anymore. I exhaled for ten long seconds, closing my eyes. A few more months. That's all of this that I had to take.
Sawyer's eyes locked onto mine the second I stepped foot in the door. Her brow drew together in concern and I gave her a vague smile and a quick nod. The bell had rung on my way up the steps and Ms. Reynolds was just starting class as I walked into the room. Just like my first day here, I was disrupting things again. Ms. Reynolds seemed better equipped to deal with me this time though.
She smiled warmly as I approached her. The room was completely silent and I felt the physical heat of all those eyes staring at me. It made me shift uncomfortably as Ms. Reynolds put a friendly hand on my shoulder. A snigger went up around the room at the contact and I instantly remembered what I'd said to her, in front of a good chunk of the student body. The words 'totally fuckable' flashed through my head and my cheeks flushed with warmth, probably turning bright red.
The barely contained chuckles got louder, but Ms. Reynolds ignored them. "Oh good, Lucas, you're back. Go ahead and take your seat." As she seemed to be letting my tardiness slide again, I didn't say anything, only nodded and started my way to Sawyer.
"Oh, Luc?" Her hand touched my arm to stop me and a fresh burst of laughter hit the room. She seemed to notice it this time and scowled at some of the louder people, Will among them. "I just wanted to remind you that your appointment with the counselor starts today." Her eyes lit up at that prospect and her voice was near bubbly when she continued. "The principal is going to let you rejoin the Safe and Sound club once you complete a six week session. Isn't that great?" She squeezed my arm for emphasis and I resisted the urge to roll my eyes and sigh. Six weeks...great.
"Uh...yeah. Thank you."
She nodded exuberantly and raised her arm toward the aisle, indicating I should sit. I met eyes with Sawyer while a soft chorus of laughs followed me down the row. She grinned and rolled her eyes for me and I chuckled softly. As I was about to pass Will, I carefully watched his feet. I didn't need today to be a complete recap of day one.
Apparently it wasn't. Will had other ways to embarrass me. Right as I walked by, he clutched his desk with both hands and thrust his hips up, making the font legs of the desk bang off the floor a couple inches provocatively. He laid his head back and softly moaned, "Oh god, Ms. Reynolds. Oh yeah, yeah, fuck...yes, teach me."
I stumbled a bit on my feet as the entire class, with the exception of Sawyer, of course, burst into loud laughing. Ms. Reynolds had been writing something on the board, carefully transcribing it from the textbook and had apparently missed Will's display. She loudly called for quiet and gave the room stern stares, but didn't say anything directly to Will, and I was pretty sure she would have if she'd heard that. I'm pretty sure he'd of gotten detention if she'd heard that.
With flaming cheeks, I sat in my chair and laid my head down on my desk. I wanted to crawl up in a tiny hole and never come out. But hadn't I been in a tiny hole for the past two weeks and still been miserable? I sighed and wished I could take a nap through first period - I'd love to see Lil right now.
A soft hand on my arm made me look over at Sawyer. I laid my head to the side as quietness enveloped the classroom. She laid her head on her desk and we stared at each other while Ms. Reynolds went over the current lesson plan. Eventually looking at Sawyer brought my emotions back to level and I smiled at her. She smiled back and mouthed 'are you okay?'
I closed my eyes and softly chuckled at her never ending concern for me. Reopening them, I nodded at her and mouthed 'just embarrassed'.
She bit her lip and then grinned devilishly. "You should be," she whispered, "talking to a teacher like that." She raised an eyebrow at me and lightly shook her head. 'Dirty boy,' she mouthed.
I bit my lip to not laugh out loud and shaking my head, raised it off my desk. I marveled at Sawyer's odd ability to always make me feel better, whether with silence or a comforting touch, or even a smartass comment. Or maybe it was just her very presence. I stretched out my hand to her across the aisle while Ms. Reynolds went over last week's homework, homework I'd only been able to do, thanks to this beautiful godsend beside me. She lightly grabbed my hand and looped our index fingers together.
"Thank you," I whispered.
"Anytime," she whispered back.
Sawyer and I both waited around in the back of the room after class, waiting for most, if not all, of the students to leave. Ms. Reynolds watched us, but said nothing, probably used to how Sawyer and I always seemed to linger in class until we were alone. When Sawyer couldn't wait anymore, her next class being so far away from this one, we headed out to the main doors.
Sawyer asked about what the coach had wanted and with a heavy sigh I told her. She seemed unsure how to process the conversation. On one hand, he seemed to care about me. On the other hand, he thought I was waist deep in life-altering drugs. Finally she shook her head and again encouraged me to tell a teacher about Josh, about what really happened. I gave her a faint smile but kept my mouth shut. I wasn't narking Josh, and I didn't much see the point in talking about it anyway. Just like the coach, people's minds were already decided.
She twisted her lips as we parted ways, seeming to understand where my head was at. I suppose she'd handle all of this differently. Well, maybe not. It's much easier to give advice than follow it.
History went pretty smoothly, with only a handful of stares and whispers, usually followed by light laughter. I kept my head down and did my best to ignore it all. Thanks to Sawyer's diligence in keeping me caught up, I got back into the swing of things smoothly, and if Mr. Davis was startled by my actual presence in the room after being absent for so long, he didn't show it. In fact, the only comments I got were from Eliza, who asked if my girlfriend was going to stop asking her for the assignments, since I was back at school. I stared at her blankly and stupidly nodded as I processed that. I never did find out how Sawyer managed to get all the work from all of my classes, even the ones we didn't share. I must have mentioned Eliza to her at some point and she'd gone out of her way to talk to the woman. Pretty impressive. I wondered who she'd talked with in Astronomy?
I asked her about it when we met up next period and she only smiled and shrugged it off, like it was no big deal. She explained that she'd heard Eliza talking about me in computer lab one day and had deduced that we had History together. She had choir with one of the cheerleaders in Astronomy and had talked her into handing over her notes, and she'd met with my art teacher after choir, since the buildings were right next to each other. I shook my head at her and smiled, amazed at the lengths she took to help me, and also a little amazed that she'd found students in this school that would help her, knowing full well they were really helping me.
We were whispering back and forth to each other about it during Philosophy when Mr. Varner came down the aisle and stopped right in front of my desk. A soft giggle went up around the room and I remembered the gossip that had floated around about the three of us. Staring up at his narrowed eyes, I also remembered him helping my drug-riddled body out of the gym and into the main building, where he'd called my mom, freaking her out with his vague responses. He'd had a close up view of my high, and he hadn't been too thrilled about it. He looked even less thrilled as he scowled down at me now.
"Something you'd like to share with the class, Lucas?" His voice was low and while not threatening in any way, it wasn't friendly either.
I shook my head. "No, Mr. Varner."
He crossed his arms over his chest and half smiled. I heard a soft sigh from a student beside me and I had to stop myself from rolling my eyes. Yes, he was attractive...but he was also an asshole. I didn't understand why the girls around here could be so quick to overlook that fact. "Are you sure? Wouldn't you like to enlighten us on how you spent your...break?"
The room quieted down and I heard the rustle of people turning in their seats. I didn't remove my eyes from the teacher, but I imagined that everybody had just shifted to watch this. I bit my lip and lightly shook my head, hoping he'd drop it before I either yelled something at him or burst into tears, and really, with how my morning was going, I could do either.
He leaned in over my desk and I involuntarily leaned back. "Next time you want to get high...you do it on someone else's watch." He glanced over at Sawyer before shifting his eyes back to me. "Now both of you - be quiet." And with that, he stood straight and walked back to the front of the room.
I swallowed and looked around. Sure enough, most people were turned to face me, some with open-mouthed, shocked faces and some with barely contained smirks. One by one they followed Mr. Varner, and turned in their seats. My cheeks felt hot to the touch as his words flashed through me. So, no 'your life is better without drugs' speech from Mr. Varner then. Nope, just an 'I know you're a messed up kid, who is just going to do it anyway, so go do it far away from me so I don't have to pick up the pieces of your worthless life' comment. Odd point of view for a Philosophy teacher to have. As I stared down at my desk, I started to think that maybe Mr. Varner should have picked a different major in college.
"Well, that was uncalled for," Sawyer muttered, as we huddled around her locker during break.
I looked over at her while she put some books away and got others out, stuffing them in her bag. I adjusted my heavy backpack on my shoulder as I leaned against a cool, metal locker with my other one. I never used mine. I wouldn't even come near these lockers if Sawyer didn't want to use Lil's...hers. I generally avoided looking when she opened it, like somehow, a part of Lil had gotten trapped in there when she'd died, and every time the door was opened, a bit of her light shone and I couldn't bear to watch. Ridiculous? Yes, I know, but that's the feeling it gave me.
Today though, I stared at the lifeless thing while Sawyer adjusted some stuff inside it, just hoping for a spark of Lil to fill me. I hadn't dreamt of her since our last...encounter. Since that had kind of been an intense dream, and it had been cut off so abruptly...and I was just having a crappy kind of day, I really wanted to see Lil again. I wanted to see if she was okay, if we were okay. God, now I really do sound insane. I want to dream about my dead girlfriend again, so I can make sure she wasn't freaked out by the almost sex we had...in a dream. All of it was in my head. Still, she felt as real as anything else.
"Lucas?"
Sawyer's voice broke me from my bizarre thoughts. "What? Oh, Mr. Varner, right." I pushed myself away from the lockers and watched some of the kids walk down the hall, most staring at me, some whispering, some just plain laughing, and even one or two scowling. I turned back to watch Sawyer close her locker. "Yeah, he's just an asshole."
She frowned and then grinned. "Odd that he teaches Philosophy, right?"
I laughed and slung an arm around her shoulders, pulling her tight to me. "What's odd is how alike you and I are sometimes." She frowned at me when she looked up at my face, but then she laughed with me.
I dropped my arm from around her shoulders, still reluctant to be over friendly with her around so many gossiping eyes, even though that was pretty pointless by now, and they'd all make up whatever stories they wanted to anyway. I mean, just this morning, hadn't Eliza called her my girlfriend? I frowned as I realized that I never corrected her on that. Quickly slipping my grin back on, I started walking down the hall with Sawyer. And standing close to each other, but never touching, we made our way to our next class.
Math.
It's a tricky subject to try and learn on your own, even if you're pretty good at it. And I...struggle with it. Mentally planning to ditch this class next semester, I spent the whole of the hour with my head darting from the board to my textbook to my paper, in an odd, haphazard triangle pattern. I practically chewed through my pencil as I tried to grasp what the bloody hell she was talking about.
When it came to free study time at the end of class, Mrs. Chambers came over to her "favorite" student and attempted to help me catch up. I was immensely grateful that she cared more about her beloved subject, than the rumor mill running through these walls. I think I could have been lying in a pile of my own alcohol-induced vomit, and she'd still try and help me if I showed just the tiniest bit of interest in mathematics. She had definitely chosen the right major.
While I knew passing the class with a B would be a lofty goal, I felt much better about the situation once the period was over. I felt even better about it as I shared my sandwich in the car with Sawyer. She got a serious case of the giggles as she described my face to me when I'd been trying to grasp algorithms. I tried to sneer at her, but ended up bursting out with laughter too. Feeling a need for the cathartic release, I brought up Mr. Varner chewing me out, Coach trapping me in the hall and Will's sexual display during class.
With tears streaming down her face, she lost nearly all control when I re-performed Will's shining moment for her. "Oh, yes, yes...fuck, teach me."
I started laughing uncontrollably and we both settled in for a long, happy release. Eventually, we calmed down and rested back in her bucket seats, looking over at each other. We'd drifted close in our gaiety, and our shoulders touched between the gap created by her center console, our heads resting on the very edge of the headrests, towards each other.
Trying to even our breaths, but still smiling softly, we stared at each other. The familiar comfort washed into me as I lost myself in her gray depths. A similar look passed over her and I wanted to stay in this car for eternity.
She leaned forward and a dark lock of hair fell over her eye. Without thinking about it, I reached up and tucked it behind her ear. Then I found myself running my fingers back through her hair before bringing my palm up to cup her cool cheek. Then my thumb started stroking that cheek. Even though the car was slightly chilly, I felt warmth spread in me as we touched. I watched her breath catch and her eyes flick over my face. My eyes flicked over hers, settling on her lips. Subconsciously, I found myself leaning forward.
"Luc...we're gonna be late," she whispered, just moments before we brushed together.
Startled back to reality, I dropped my hand from her skin and pulled back. "Right." I looked down and then peeked up at her from under my brow. She was chewing her lip. "Sorry," I muttered.
She gave me a vague smile and turning, opened her car door. I shut my eyes at my stupid lack of self control, and with a heavy exhale, opened mine. She didn't say anything as she waited for me at the front of her car, just played with the sleeves of my jacket and bit her lip. I felt the need to say something, but didn't know what to say, so I gave her a half smile and nodded my head towards school.
She fell in beside me and was quiet on the way to our next respective classes. Her head was down and her dark hair covered her expression. I wanted to stop her and sweep that hair back from her face so I could see what she was thinking. I wanted to tell her that I was sorry, yet again, for getting near the borderline of our friendship. And an odd, tiny speck of me...wanted to kiss her, wanted to find comfort in those lips, just like I found comfort in her voice and her laugh...and her eyes. I wouldn't do that though. That would be selfish. Not if she was interested in more. Not when my heart still belonged to Lil...
Lost in those thoughts, I startled when Sawyer's hand caught my elbow and stopped me. I looked up and noticed that we were at our crossroads, left for me to get to Astronomy and right for her to get to computer lab. I hadn't even noticed the journey.
I looked over at her and took in the serious expression on her face. I swallowed, thinking she was finally going to tell me she couldn't handle being my friend anymore, not when I constantly pulled her close and pushed her away. My stomach hurt as I waited for her rejection.
She narrowed her eyes and scrunched her brow to a sharp point. "Don't you dare...start something with Josh. Just let it go, Lucas." Her eyes bored into me, demanding and yet pleading at the same time.
I relaxed when I realized she wasn't going to toss me aside, and then a slow fire started burning in me. I'd nearly forgotten that I'd have this class with Josh. I'd nearly forgotten that I'd have to endure sitting in a room with him for an hour, not able to do anything about the mix of rage and sadness swirling within me. Sawyer's eyes narrowed even more as she took in my expression.
"I'm serious, Lucas." She shook her head. "He's not worth you getting kicked out of here. Don't give him what he wants."
I blinked and took a step back. The anger started to fade from me as I realized that she was right. If I let my emotions take control and got myself kicked out of here, he'd have exactly what he'd hoped for with his stupid little stunt. He'd win. While I was sure it wasn't really a game to either of us, I wasn't about to give him the satisfaction of running me off. No, if I had to deal with him for the rest of the year, then he'd just have to deal with me too.
"I won't touch him, Sawyer...I promise." Her stance relaxed, along with her face. She searched me for a sign of some lie to my words and I gave her a wry smile. "I promise, okay."
She bit her lip again and nodded. A small laugh escaped me. "Besides, I think I'll let you fight all my battles for me." She grinned and I shrugged. "You hit better than me anyway."
She laughed and gave me a quick hug before darting off to her class. I smiled, watching her leave and then frowned as I turned to the path that led me to my next encounter with Darren's little brother. As I walked along that concrete road, I remembered back to walking this exact path last year with Darren. That had unknowingly been such a simpler time. Back then, our biggest dilemma had been the approaching teenage milestone known as junior prom.
"$300 bucks, Luc. That's how much this stupid dance is gonna cost me...$300 bucks." Darren shook his head at me in my memory and frowned at his money woes.
I grinned over at him. "Yeah, but Sammy will be endlessly grateful to you for showing up in the limo she wants."
He gave me a devilish grin as we walked, pausing a fraction of a second to wave at a group of friends that we strolled by. "Dude, Sammy is 'grateful' to me five times a week...and it doesn't cost me $300 bucks."
I stopped walking and he looked back at me. "Five times a week?"
He grinned and nodded. "At least. Sometimes more if her parents leave for the weekend." He shrugged. "What can I say - my girl's a horny freak."
I grinned at the words I knew Sammy would soundly smack him for, if she ever heard them repeated. I started walking beside him again, shaking my head. He looked over at me thoughtfully. "You and Lil still haven't..."
I looked over at him and shook my head. "No, we're...waiting. The moment has just never been right..." I shrugged and looked forward, letting the sentence die. Lil and I had talked about it several times, but somehow, neither one of us felt like it was just the right time. We were waiting for the "perfect" time.
Darren laughed beside me. "Well, don't wait too long or something's gonna come up and snatch that hottie away from you. Besides, it's only sex, Lucas. I think you guys are making it out to be a much bigger deal than it really is."
I scowled as we walked under the overhang of the Science building, Darren nodding a greeting to another group of friends passing by us. I switched my frown to a sly smile as I glanced over at him. "Says the man who waited two years to be with his...freak."
Darren's face clouded up as he glared over at me. I knew he and Sammy had a different situation than Lil and me. I mean, they were only fourteen when they got together, but it was fun to tease him about it, especially if he was going to tease me.
Darren was about to respond to my jibe when a set of arms slung over his shoulder and mine. "Who's a freak?"
I looked over behind me at Josh hanging off of us, his face glowing with adoration for his big brother. "Your future sister-in-law," I playfully told him.
Darren smacked me in the chest as Josh suddenly gripped both of his shoulders, shaking him gently. "Really? Like kinky-freaky? Lucky bastard, Shelly will only let me feel her up."
Darren grinned at Josh, rumpling his hair, and slinging an arm over his shoulder. He pointed at me. "Well, you're further than, Lucas," he jibed. They'd both laughed heartily at me then, while I'd smacked Darren on the chest and told him where he could shove it.
As I passed under the overhang on the considerably darker, present tense Science building, I clearly remembered Darren and Josh's laughing faces. The way their eyes had sparkled with life and joy, the way they'd had an arm around each other, supporting each other. Best friends in a way Darren and I never would be. It tore me that the jovial face I'd seen on Josh then, was all but lost now. Sadness for that faded childhood leeched away my remaining spikes of anger and I felt only melancholy as I opened the door to class.
