My college years would be very cost effective at this rate. One meal a week and with no sleep required, my grades would never take that initial dip everyone experienced.
I decided that if after three days nothing was different, I would go home. I would tell my dad that I was cured and finish my school year on time.
Counting down three days was a tough way to think about life. I had nothing to do in my spare time but think. I walked the beach in both directions. I found neat tidal pools that contained all sorts of sea life. I swam in the ocean, made fires, and even built a small log cabin. That had taken most of the first day, but I wasn’t a patient person anymore—I felt restless.
I thought about Shane; I thought about him non-stop. My heart deceived my mind and ignored the fact he had betrayed me.
I thought about him nonstop, regardless.
A couple with a small child, more than likely from Port Handley as I didn’t recognize them, walked the beach the morning of day two. They greeted me cautiously. I noticed I could smell them. Something about them made me want to touch them. I stayed on my side of the beach to be careful. I wasn’t sure of anything about myself and I didn’t want to hurt anyone.
I watched them walk away from me, but I couldn’t help but fantasize about touching their arms, holding them close to me. I frightened myself with my quirky thoughts. I thought about Aleks and the conversation we needed to have. I tried to distract myself. It might have worked if every thought hadn’t turned to Shane, which in turn twisted into a memory about having S.E.X. with Shane.
I was going stir crazy, thinking about him touching me. I wanted him. I wanted to touch him, but mostly, I wanted to do it all again. I was having feelings I couldn’t explain.
At first I thought they were ordinary sex thoughts that a person would have after doing it for the first time. Then I realized that I was obsessing. I felt more like a teenage boy than a prudish girl.
I felt the warm wind off the fire and tricked myself into believing Aleks was back, but it had been from a breeze off the sea.
I had driven myself nutty long enough and decided to bail on my plan of three days. I started to extinguish the fire by spreading out the logs of wood, breaking apart the remnants with my shoe. I used a large seashell I had found and grabbed water from one of the tidal pools. I started to pour water on the fire when I saw movement behind me.
I turned to see Shane sitting on the log where I had been. I wanted to run to him, but I stayed very still. I put the seashell down and waited for him to talk.
He didn’t speak. He just sat, staring at the fire struggling to remain lit as if not realizing I was there. His face looked devastated.
I walked toward him, lost in the fear I had imagined him.
“Shane, are you really there?” I asked him, feeling terrified he was dead like Jaime had been.
He nodded. “Yeah, Aimee, I am. I waited for you, but you never came. Again, you left me. I was pissed, and I went to Blake's. He told me everything he said.”
I felt anger inside of me brewing. I wanted to kill Blake. It felt like my anger was exaggerated.
He lifted his face to meet mine. “I was so angry with him. I drove everywhere looking for you. I just wanted to tell you the truth about what I think and whatever. I looked everywhere for you, but I couldn't find you until I stopped to get gas. The old guy who sells his worms as bait there was telling Mike, the guy who owns the bakery, how he could swear he saw the crazy James girl running on the highway by the trail here.”
He laughed and dragged a hand through his messy hair that I loved. “The funny thing about knowing someone for eighteen years, Aimes, is that you get to know certain things about them. I knew you would come to this beach.”
He looked angry with me for a reason I couldn’t place. I wondered what else Blake had told him, since I had pretty much divulged everything. My stomach hurt thinking about the ways I had betrayed him and vice versa.
I trembled, stopping dead in my tracks before I lashed out at him. I waited for him to finish. I needed to calm myself before I spoke to him.
“I don’t know what to say.” He looked so defeated, it made me sick.
I felt a trigger snap in my brain. “YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO SAY? YOU CAME ALL THIS WAY TO TELL ME THAT? AFTER YOU TOOK MY VIRGINITY AND AGREED TO COMMIT ME IN THE SAME DAY—ALL YOU HAVE TO SAY IS YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO SAY? WHAT THE FUCK?”
He jumped at my shouting. “Aimes, please. The story is just so crazy, and you believe it.”
“Get away from me.” The words hurt me. They cut into my soul.
“Maybe there is something, you know—like a tumor. Aimes, you’re living at the beach alone.” He was pleading with me.
“I know that, Shane. I know I’m alone. None of the fucking assholes in my life believe me.” I looked up at him. “Well, except Aleks. I’m sure he’ll be here any minute. At least he hasn’t abandoned me.” It was a low blow; I knew that. I also knew Aleks wasn't coming, and I was truly alone.
He flinched. I saw anger flash in his eyes. “What do you want me to do? Aimee, what do you want? I will do anything!”
I challenged him. “Believe me.”
He slumped. “Aimee, there isn’t anything wrong with you that I can see. You seem fine to me—come home with me. I wish you’d just come to me in the beginning of all of this. I wish you’d trusted me. I hate the fact we've had all these secrets."
He stepped forward and put his hands over mine.
I hadn’t noticed the taste of him that lingered in the air, but as he neared me and touched me, my skin became electric.
I wanted to go home, I wanted a shower, I wanted to trust him, but I couldn’t trust myself, not yet. I felt every move he made in the air around me. It scared me.
He snatched his hands back. “Owe, Jesus! You shocked me.”
I felt my eyes flutter from the ecstasy of touching him. “Go, Shane.” I breathed heavily, using all the restraint I had inside of me to stop myself from lashing out at him.
“Blake told me you’ve been seeing that Aleks guy behind my back the entire time we’ve been seeing each other. Is that why you want me to leave?”
The words hung out in the air. They felt like a black hole, taking everything good with them. I doubly hated Blake. I hated him for hurting Shane.
I didn’t fight with Shane, because if I stopped fighting with myself, I would lose control. I knew I would hurt him. My hands wanted to hold him. They burned with the need. My stomach ached and twisted in pain and hunger.
He looked hurt. “Nothing to say? Well, anyway, I knew you were here, and I just wanted to give you this.”
He pulled a piece of paper from his pocket.
His arm shook with rage as he held it out in the air for me. “Take the fucking letter you wrote me, Aimee. I don’t want those feelings or memories, because I know now that you’re just like your sister. You’re just like her.”
He walked toward me. He looked like he would hurt me.
He stood over me, looming menacingly. I could taste his breath on the breeze.
He put the letter into my hands roughly. “Take the fucking thing, Aimee. Just take it back. Take it all back—I want to be free of you.”
I flinched away from him. I was scared of what he would do next. Tears poured down my face.
He looked at me like I was nothing more than a nuisance.
I let him back away, before I whispered, “I love you.”
He turned away from me to walk down the beach. I wanted to stay frozen in my tracks, but foolishly I ran to him as fast as I could. “Shane, wait, please.” I grabbed his arm, pulling him back to me.
The minute his skin came in contact with mine, I felt it. I was pulling from him. He stood motionless as I filled up. The feeling was more joy than I had ever felt. I inhaled him through my hands somehow. I let go, hurting myself as if cutting off a vein feeding me. He shivered and swayed like he drank too much or stood up. Afraid of touching him, I backed away as he got his bearings.
He looked confused but turned away again, leaving me standing on the beach alone.
I hated Blake. I wanted to blame him for it all. It was fleeting and immature, but I couldn’t help myself. I didn’t move as I watched Shane get smaller and smaller. I felt cold and alone, even though the sun shone on me.
I blinked, realizing he was gone, probably had been for some time. I had stood there for a very long time. I watched the place he had entered the forest, leaving me forever. I knew I had made the wrong choice when I had met Aleks, and losing Shane was more painful than losing Aleks. I had never realized that losing him meant losing the person I wanted to be, and the life I wanted to have.
I turned and walked back to my campfire to stoke it for the night. I knew I would have to go home sooner or later, and at that moment, later sounded better. Whatever my hands had done was bad. Very bad.
The night was a cold one. Even I shivered with the breeze coming off of the water.
I heard rustling in the woods and hoped it was a wolf or bear coming to attack me and leave me in the woods to die.
I realized I would never die.
I had foolishly drunk from a demon.
In my despair, I fell asleep in between the logs and rocks. I woke up feeling refreshed again. I didn’t know how long I had slept, but the summer fog had come in thick. On the North Coast the best way to tell when summer had hit was the fog. It rolled in every night at six and rolled out at eleven the next day. I was unable to see beyond a few feet in front of me. The fire had long gone out and was cold. I assumed I must have had one of those huge sleeps again. My hair was soaked from the mist in the fog and my fleece hung soaked on my shoulders. I curled my legs into me and waited for death to come and claim me.
After a very long time, I decided I was finished with the transition phase of my life. I needed to either be an undead, or to die, or to just be what I was at that moment. I stood stretching my legs and arms.
I started the long trek back to the trail. It had been more than three days, no doubt. I was ready to start my life all over again. I clearly wasn’t a threat to my family as long as I didn’t touch any of them. We had gone years without touching, and it wasn't like I would have a boyfriend or any friends when I got there. I got to the sandy beach but stopped walking. A grey figure sat on the sand looking down. I could tell immediately that it was Aleks. He looked bad, weak and exhausted, which I knew was impossible.
