I stopped her suddenly, turned and held her at arm’s length. I pretended to appraise both her face and her body, as if making a judgment about her. In truth, I could only see her as Starling, not as another might. But I managed a grin and told her, “If your husband does not find you desirable, then he is a fool. I am sure that any number of men at Buckkeep would be very willing to share your bed. Myself among them, were circumstances different.” I tried to look thoughtful. “Shall I tell him so?”
“No!” she exclaimed, and then managed to laugh, although it was a fragile thing. I took her hand to keep her at a more appropriate distance from me and we walked a bit farther down the road. “Fitz,” she asked in a small voice some time later. “Do you still care for me, at all?”
I knew I could not let that question hang unanswered for long. And, in fact, the truth was right before me. “Yes. I do.” I met her eyes as we walked. “You’ve hurt me sometimes. You’ve said some cruel things to me, and acted in ways I don’t approve. And I’ve done the same to you. But, it’s as you said, Starling: fifteen years. When people have that much history together, we tend to take everything for granted. We accept as given the faults as well as the graces. How many songs have you sung before my hearth, for me alone? How many meals have I cooked for you? Fifteen years of knowing one another goes past likes and dislikes, into simple being. We’ve been careless of one another’s feelings, even as Chade and I are careless of one another. Because we trust that what we are and what we know from all the years are more important than words flung in anger.”
“I deceived you,” she said after a time, quietly.
“Yes. You did.” I found I could speak without rancor. “And I disappointed you. And just as I felt I had the right to decide what I would do with my life, regardless of what you thought about it, so did you. You married. I chose obscurity. Both those decisions came between us. Not just yours. But let me assure you of one thing. No matter how the years may pass for us, even though we never share a bed again, when we are old, I will still hold you high in my regard. Always.”
Did I completely believe all I said to her? No. But, despite all, she was a friend, and she needed. The words I gave her eased that need, and cost me nothing. A small smile twisted my mouth. She had bedded me for the very reasons that I now gave her the small lies she needed to hear.
She nodded, and no more tears flowed. After a time of walking, she asked me, “What should I do about my husband?”
I shook my head to that. “I don’t know, Starling. Do you still love him? Want him?”
She nodded stiffly to both my questions.
“Well, then. I think you should tell him that.”
“That’s all?”
I shrugged. “I think you are asking the wrong man for advice about this. Someone more successful in love might be able to give you better advice.”
“Like Chade, perhaps.”
“Chade?” I was both appalled and amused, but the temptation was too great. I kept a straight face. “Chade’s the ideal man to consult.” I wished I could be present at that discussion.
“I think you are right. He always manages to keep his lovers both satisfied and discreet. Even when he chooses to let one go,” she mused, and then laughed at the shocked look on my face. “I see. Not even you know of his affairs. Ah, well, you are right, he is the man to ask. I’ve never heard of a woman turning him out of her bed; it’s always the opposite. And he is not exactly the most youthful of men. Well. I shall discuss it with him when I report to him tonight.”
Her last words sparked a sudden suspicion. I risked it. “Then you think you’ll discover where the one-handed man is staying?”
She gave me a sideways look, as if awarding me a point in a game. “Sooner than you will. And he asked me, when I overtook you, to let you know that he expects you to stay well away from Laudwine. Not that the man is known by that name in Buckkeep Town, or Chade would have him by now. So. I have passed on his wishes to you. He assures you that in this, he still knows best.”
“Or at least, he believes he does,” I returned coolly. I was putting together that this was no chance meeting. Chade had somehow discovered that I had left the castle and had sent Starling to intercept me and deflect me from Laudwine. Providing me with the opportunity to apologize to the ruffled minstrel was likely a part of his plan. How that old man loved pulling the strings! I found a smile and plastered it onto my face. “Well, you’d best mount up then and be on your way, if you’re to discover Laudwine before I do.”
