"Holding out," Mariella said knowledgeably.
"Not even that," I said. "Because if you say 'holding out,' that means you're going to give it up someday, that you're just waiting for some boy to say the right thing to unlock your legs. You can't even let that be a possibility." I knew Iona would explode if she could hear this conversation. But that was why my sister was having it with me, not Iona.
"But then no one will date you."
This was simply awful. "Then to heck with them," I said, recalling just in time to rein in my language. "You don't need to go out with a guy who's sure you're going to give him sex if he goes out with you long enough."
"Why are they gonna go out with you, then?" she said, looking baffled.
That was nothing compared to the way I felt. "A boy should go out with you because he likes your company," I said. "Because you laugh at the same things, or you're interested in the same things." At least, that was the theory. Was it ever that way in practice? And it shouldn't even be arising at Mariella's age, which was what? Twelve?
"So he should be your friend."
"Yes. He should be your friend."
"Is Tolliver your friend?"
"Yes, he's my best friend."
"But you're, you know..."
She couldn't quite bring herself to say the words, and I could only be thankful for that.
"That's kind of our business," I said. "When it's the real thing, it means so much you don't want to talk about it with other people."
"Oh." Mariella looked thoughtful. I hoped she was. I hoped I hadn't just committed a colossal blunder. I'd told her not to have sex with the boys she was going to date. Then I hadn't contradicted her assumption that Tolliver and I were doing that very thing. I felt totally inadequate.
I was so glad to see Tolliver and Gracie waiting for us, I found myself hurrying toward them. Tolliver gave me a funny look, but Gracie was simply impatient.
"Let's get our skates!" she said. "I want to skate!"
After we'd all put on our skates and Tolliver and I'd helped the girls out onto the rink floor, then seen that they were okay when they stuck to the wall railing, we skated off to do a round by ourselves. We held hands and went slowly at first, because it had been a good eight years since either of us had skated. There'd been a rink within walking distance of the trailer, and since it hadn't cost too much at the time, we'd spent hours there.
We enjoyed a few rounds together, and then we went back to our sisters, who were already arguing about who was doing the best. Tolliver took Mariella and I took Gracie, and we got them away from the wall and went around with them, slowly and carefully. I couldn't stop Gracie from falling once, and another time she took me down with her, but she was improving by the time we called it quits. Mariella, who'd played basketball at one of the after-school clubs for kids, had fared a lot better, and she was inclined to brag about it until Tolliver cut her short.
We were coming off the floor, laughing, when I realized someone was watching us: a gray-haired man about five foot eleven, pumped up and muscular. My eyes passed over him once, and then came back to his face. I knew him. I looked right into his dark eyes.
"Hello, Dad," Tolliver said.
Chapter Five
OUR sisters shrunk closer to us, their eyes fixed on their biological father with-at least on Gracie's part-a mixture of loathing and longing. Mariella seemed more hostile. Her little hands had clenched into fists.
He wasn't my father. My feelings were relatively unmixed. "Matthew," I said. "What are you doing here?"
He'd been looking at Tolliver and Mariella, his eyes avid. He glanced at me briefly, without affection. Gracie shrunk behind me. "I wanted to see my kids," he said. "All of them."
There was a long moment of silence. I digested the fact that his voice was clear: no slurring, coherent. Maybe he wasn't using, as he'd told Mark; though I knew it was only a matter of time before he reverted to his old ways.
"But we don't want to see you," Tolliver said, keeping his voice carefully hushed. We drew aside, to get out of the way of other skaters. "We didn't answer the feelers you put out through Mark. I didn't answer your letters. I'm willing to bet Iona hasn't given you permission to see the girls, and she's their legal mom now. Hank's their legal dad."
"But I'm their real father," Matthew said.
"You gave them up," I reminded him, giving each word a lot of weight.
"There was a lot of pressure." He reached out as if he wanted to stroke Mariella's hair, but she flinched back, still gripping her brother's hand as if she would lose him if she let go.
The rink wasn't really crowded, but people had begun to cast sideways glances at our tense little group. I didn't give a damn about the spectators, but the last thing I wanted was any confrontation, physical or verbal, in front of the girls.
"You need to leave," I said. "We're taking the girls back to their home right now. You've ruined our good time. Don't make it any worse."
"I want to see my children," he said again.
"You're looking at 'em. You've seen them. Now go."
"I'm only leaving because of the little ones," he said, nodding toward Mariella and Gracie, who were confused and miserable. "I'll see you again soon, Tolliver." And he turned on his heel and left the rink.
"He followed us," I said stupidly.
"I guess he was waiting somewhere around Iona 's house," Tolliver said. We stared at each other, silently postponing more discussion. Simultaneously, we took deep breaths. It would have been funny if we hadn't been so jangled.
"Well," I said to my sisters, trying to sound brisk and upbeat, "I'm glad that's over. We'll talk to your mom about this, okay, tell her all about it? It won't happen again. We had a good time until this happened, right?" I sounded like an idiot, but at least the girls began stirring, removing their skates. They stopped looking quite so much like deer in headlights.
Our sisters were subdued on the ride back to their house-no big surprise there-and they scrambled out of our car and into the door under the carport as if they were afraid of snipers. Tolliver and I followed more slowly, not eager to relate what had happened to Iona and Hank-though it was no fault of ours.
We weren't too surprised to find our aunt and uncle standing in the kitchen waiting for us.
"What happened?" Iona asked. To my astonishment, she didn't seem angry, only worried.
"My dad showed up at the rink," Tolliver said, plunging right in. "I don't know how long he was watching before we knew he was there." He shrugged. "He wasn't high; he wasn't hostile. But the girls were shaken up."
"We were having a good time until we saw him," I said, realizing that sounded weak. But it was a point I felt obliged to make.
"We got a letter from him last week," Hank said. "We didn't answer him. I never thought he'd do this."
So they were shouldering their own share of guilt, for not warning us they knew Matthew was out of jail.
Though I was reluctant to lose the advantage, I said, "He's been out of jail for a while. When we had dinner with Mark, he told us that much. But he didn't say any more than that Matthew had a job and was straight."
"Oh, Mark's in contact with his dad?" Iona frowned and sat heavily in one of the kitchen chairs. Cautiously, we sat down, too. We were surprised that the Gorhams weren't throwing us out and blaming us for the whole incident. "That Mark, he's too tender-hearted where his dad's concerned," Iona said.
I secretly agreed. Or maybe not so secretly-Tolliver gave me a look. He could read me almost too easily.
"Could you tell what he wanted?" Iona asked me suddenly.
"What do you mean?"
"With your whatever sense?" Iona waved a hand in front of her like she was waving off a gnat.
"I'm not psychic, Iona, or I'd be glad to uncover what Matthew wants. I wish I knew myself. All I can do is find corpses." Too late, I saw Mariella over Iona 's shoulder. She'd come in from the hall to the bedrooms. Her eyes were open wide. But this couldn't be too big a shock to her, right? What on earth had Iona and Hank been telling her? She spun and ran out of the kitchen.
Well, that just made the day perfect.
"Well, what is that sense telling you?" Iona was nothing if not persistent.
"Nothing helpful, right at the moment," I said. "There's not a dead person around here, if that's what you're asking. The nearest corpse is so old it probably predates statehood, and it's way under the soil of your neighbor's front yard. Indian, probably. I'd have to get closer to be sure."
I had finally shut them up. My aunt and uncle simply gaped at me. This was not moving us forward in our discussion. "But that doesn't have anything to do with Matthew showing up at the rink today," I reminded them. "Should you get a court order against him? I mean, he doesn't have any legal rights over the girls anymore, am I right?"
"That's correct," Hank said, recovering much more quickly than his wife. "We've adopted them. He gave up his rights."
"And I don't want to call the police," Iona said. "We've talked to the police enough to last us the rest of our lives."
"So you want him to show back up again? Scare the girls again?"
"No! But we had enough to do with the police when your sister was taken! We don't want them coming around here again."
I understood what it felt like to want to glide below the police radar, though most of the law-enforcement people I'd met had simply been human beings trying to do a tough job with less money than they needed. But I also understood that, aside from Iona and Hank's revulsion at the prospect of having police cars parked in front of the house again, my sisters were seriously upset. Maybe seeing the police arrive would make the girls fear they were in more danger than Matthew actually represented. After all, he had no reason to harm Mariella and Gracie. Maybe Iona and Hank were right, though for the wrong reason.
"Then there's nothing else we can do," Tolliver said, having reached the same conclusion I had. "We'll be on our way."
"How long are you going to be in town?" Iona said, sounding a little desperate. "Do you have another job to go to?"
She'd never been anxious for us to stick around before. In fact, she couldn't get us to leave fast enough, every other time we'd visited.
"We could be here a few more days," I said, after a glance at Tolliver. As a matter of fact, we didn't have anything on our schedule now, though that could change tomorrow.
"Okay," she said, nodding as if we had a bargain. "So we'll call you if he shows up again."
What were we supposed to do? I opened my mouth to protest, but Tolliver said, "All right. We'll talk to you again tomorrow, anyway."
"I'm going to talk to the school principal," Iona said. "I hate for them to talk about us, but at least the girls' teachers need to know that Matthew's around."
That was a relief. I noticed that my aunt was sitting as though she were exhausted, and that Hank was looking worried. I remembered she was pregnant. Hank caught my eye and jerked his head toward the door. I tried not to be exasperated that he thought we didn't have enough intelligence to leave when we needed to.
Tolliver said, "Talk to you tomorrow, then. 'Bye, girls!" he called down the hall. After a second, I saw the girls peeking out of Mariella's room, and I waved at them. They waved back, a little hesitantly. They were not smiling.
We got into our car in silence. I didn't know what to say.
"We've got to stay a little while, to make sure he's not bothering them," Tolliver said after we'd gone a block.
"So what's to stop him from waiting a couple of days after we leave and then showing up again?"
Tolliver shook his head as if a bee was buzzing around it. "Nothing will keep him away if he wants to follow them around. I don't know what to do."
"He can outwait us, and he will. Besides, what are we, a private army? Why are we suddenly so much protection?"
"I guess they see us as-worldly and much tougher than they are," Tolliver said, after some thought.
"Well, they're right about that. But that's not saying a whole hell of a lot, huh?"
"He's my dad. I feel like I have to do something."
"I can see that you feel that way," I said, which was as tactfully as I could put it. "And I can see you want to stay a couple more days, and that's fine with me. But we can't stay here forever, camping outside their house, waiting for your dad to approach the girls again. Unless he gets arrested again-and let's face it, he probably will be, because he'll start using again-there's nothing to do about him trying to see them, unless Iona and Hank will go to the police. Even then, the police can't watch the girls all the time."
"I know."
Tolliver's tone was abrupt. I snapped my mouth shut on any more words I might have uttered. Neither of us said anything else, all the way back to our motel.
If there's anything that makes me nervous and scattered, it's dissension with my brother. I reminded myself again to stop thinking of Tolliver as my brother, because that was just creepy, but it was a hard habit to break.
When we were in the room, I couldn't settle on an occupation. I didn't want to read, and television is a wasteland on Sunday evening unless you like sports. I couldn't focus on my crossword puzzle. I gathered up our laundry bags. "I'm going to find a Laundromat," I said and left the room. If Tolliver said anything, I was out of there too fast to hear it. We needed a break from each other.
