Lizzie asks me if I'm okay but I can't answer. I need to get back inside first. I need to get the food inside then shut the door and lock the bloody thing behind me and never open it again.
'Are you all right?' she asks again. 'Why were you so long?'
I run back to the car and grab the last few odds and ends that have fallen out of the rapidly disintegrating cardboard box. I push past her and throw the stuff into the kitchen.
'Dad,' Ed whines, 'can we have something to eat now? I'm starving...'
I ignore all of them and concentrate on locking the door and making sure my home and my family are secure.
'Move,' I grunt angrily at Ellis who is standing right in the middle of the hallway, stopping me from getting through.
'What's wrong?' Lizzie asks again from the other side of the kitchen table. When I don't answer she starts to unpack some of the food. She looks at what I've brought home and screws up her face. 'What did you get this for?' she says, holding up a jar of honey. 'None of us likes honey.'
All of the tension and fear that's been building up inside me this morning suddenly comes rushing to the surface. It's no-one's fault, I just can't help myself.
'I know no-one likes it,' I shout, 'no-one likes any of this fucking stuff but it's all I could get. You should go out there and see what it's like. It's madness out there. The whole bloody world is falling apart so don't start having a go at me and telling me that no-one fucking well likes honey.'
Liz looks like I've punched her in the face. She's gone white with shock. The kids are all in the kitchen with us now, staring at us both with wide, frightened eyes.
'I just...' she starts to say.
'I'm doing the best I can for us here,' I scream at her. 'There are people fighting on the streets. I've just watched a kid beating some woman to death and no-one lifted a finger to help her, me included. It's fucking madness and I don't know what to do anymore. The last thing I need is for you to start complaining and picking holes in what I've done when I feel like I've just risked my damn neck for you lot. I don't ask much, just some space and a little gratitude and understanding and...'
I stop shouting. Liz is trembling. She's standing there, back pressed against the cooker, and she's shaking with fear. What the hell is wrong with her? I take a single step around the table to get closer to her and she recoils. She slides further away from me, edging back towards the door. And then I realise what's wrong. Jesus, she thinks I've changed. She thinks I'm one of them. She thinks I'm a Hater.
'No, don't...' I start to say, trying to move closer again, 'Please, Lizzie...'
She's starting to sob. Her legs look like they're about to give way. Don't collapse on me, Liz, please don't...
'Stay back,' she says, her voice barely audible. 'Don't come any closer.'
I try to speak but I can't get the words out. Don't do this to me. I shuffle nearer.
'Stay back!' she screams again, sliding further along the wall away from me. She reaches the door and starts to push the kids out of the kitchen. She doesn't take her eyes off me.
'No, Liz,' I say, desperate to make her understand, 'please. I haven't changed. Please believe me. I'm sorry I shouted. I didn't mean to...'
She stops moving away but she's still unsure. I can see it in her eyes.
'If you're one of them I'll...'
'I'm not, Lizzie, I'm not. If I was one of them I'd have gone for you by now, wouldn't I?' I cry. I don't know what else to say. I'm starting to panic but I don't want her to see. 'Please, I'm not sick. I'm not like them. I'm calm. I was angry but I'm calm now, aren't I? Please...'
I can see that she's thinking hard about what I've just said. The children are peering around the door, trying to see what's happening. Inside I'm screaming but I force myself to stay level and not shout. My head is filled with all kinds of dark, terrifying thoughts. I just got angry, that's all. I'm not a Hater, am I?
'Okay,' she eventually mumbles, 'but if you shout at me like that again I'll...'
'I won't,' I interrupt. 'I forgot myself. I didn't think.'
I still don't know if she believes me. She's looking at me out of the corner of her eye and it's like she's waiting for me to attack her. I'd never hurt her. I'm relieved when she moves back round to the box of food and continues unpacking it. Every couple of seconds she looks up. Every time I move I see her catch her breath and stop.
'So what happened out there?' she asks, finally composed enough to be able to talk to me again. I don't know where to start. Between us we try and feed the kids while I explain about the queues at the supermarket and what I saw at O'Shea's. I tell her about the looting and about the girl attacking the woman and... and I realise again just how bad things have suddenly got.
Ellis is snapping at my heels. She's oblivious to the fact that anything's wrong. That's good, I decide. I'm glad. Now that she has her food she's nagging at me to let her watch a DVD. I follow her into the living room. She fetches the film she wants from the cupboard and brings it over. I switch on the TV but stop before I put the DVD in the machine.
'I turned that off about an hour ago,' Liz says. 'Couldn't stand watching any more of it. They keep showing the same thing again and again and again.'
I sit cross-legged in front of the television and stare at the pictures that flash in front of me. Christ, things are really bad. I've seen a lot of bizarre stuff over the last few days but what I'm watching now scares the hell out of me. Now I fully realise how dire and serious the situation has quickly become. The news has gone. There are no more reports and no more presenters. All we're left with is a continually repeated public information film. My stomach is churning with nerves again.
'Stay in your homes,' a deep and reassuring male voice announces over stock footage and a series of simplistic graphic images, back at the beginning of the loop again. 'Stay with your family. Stay away from people you don't know...'
I look up at Lizzie and she looks back at me and shrugs her shoulders.
'It's all just common-sense stuff. Nothing we haven't already heard.'
'Stay calm and don't panic.'
'What?' I protest. 'Stay calm and don't panic? Bloody hell, have they seen what's happening out there?'
'It gets better,' she says sarcastically. 'Listen to the next bit.'
'The authorities are working to bring the situation under control. Your assistance and cooperation is required to make sure this happens quickly and with as little disturbance as possible. Temporary controls and regulations are necessary to make this happen. Firstly, if you have to leave your home, you must carry some form of identification with you at all times. Secondly, with immediate effect an ongoing night-time curfew is in place. You may not travel between dusk and dawn. Anyone found on the streets after dark will be dealt with appropriately...'
Dealt with appropriately? Christ, what's that supposed to mean? Are they going to start locking people up for being out at night?
'Ensure that your home is secure. Prepare a safe room for you and your family to stay in. Ensure that the door to the safe room and all other access points can be secured and locked from the inside.'
'What the hell is this?' I say under my breath.
'Can you put my film on now please, Daddy?' Ellis moans impatiently.
'If any of the people you are with should begin to act aggressively or out of character, you must isolate yourselves from them immediately. Lock yourself and the rest of the people with you in your safe room. Remove the affected person from your property if it is safe to do so without putting yourself at risk. Remember that this person may well be a family member, a loved one or a close friend. They will be unable to control their actions and emotions. They will be violent and will show no remorse or understanding. It is vital that you protect yourself and those remaining with you.'
'Can you see why I turned it off? Lizzie asks. 'This kind of thing is just making it worse.'
'I can't believe this...' I stammer, lost for words. 'I just can't believe this...'
'Think they know what's going on now?'
'I'm sure they do,' I answer. 'They must have worked it out if they're showing something like this. Someone must know what's happening, and that makes things even worse, doesn't it?'
'Does it? Why?'
I shrug my shoulders.
'Because things must be pretty well fucked if they're still not telling us anything. It sounds to me like they're trying to lock everybody down just to try and keep things under control, and what I've seen this morning makes me think that maybe things aren't under control right now.'
Lizzie frowns at me for swearing in front of Ellis. I turn back to the screen.
'...first indication will be a sudden fit of rage and anger,' the disturbingly unemotional voice on the TV continues. 'This rage will typically be directed at one person in particular. Remember that those affected may appear calm again once the initial outburst of anger and violence has passed. Continue to keep your distance. Regardless of who they are or what they say, these people are not in control of their actions. They will continue to pose a threat to you and your family...'
Lizzie strides past me and snatches Ellis' DVD from my hands. She shoves it into the machine and it starts to play.
'That's enough,' she snaps.
'I was watching that...'
'Will you go and get Dad?'
My heart sinks. I don't want to leave the flat again but I know I don't have any choice.
'When do you want me to...?' I begin before she interrupts.
'Get him now,' she answers, nervously chewing her fingernails. 'If you won't go and get him I will.'
The thought of Lizzie being alone out there is worse than the thought of going out myself. I have to do it.
