She immediately moves into me and says she's sorry and then she's guiding me toward the bedroom and this is the way I always wanted the scene to play out and then it does and it has to because it doesn't really work for me unless it happens like this.
"You should be more compassionate," she says later, in the darkness of the bedroom.
"Why?" I ask. "Why should I be more compassionate?"
"You're a Pisces."
I pause, letting the statement hang there while it defines where I've ended up.
"How do you know that?"
"Amanda told me," she says quietly.
I don't say anything, even though it's hard to leave that statement alone.
"What's the worst thing that ever happened to you?" she asks, and it sounds like an echo. I know what it is but pretend that I don't.
At the Getty there's a dinner thrown by two DreamWorks executives for a curator of a new exhibit and I go alone and I'm in a better mood, just floating through it all, looking good, a little buzzed, and I'm standing on the terrace gazing out over the blackest sky and asking myself, What would Mara say? And on the tram ride up the hill I was in the same car as Trent and Blair and I was listening to Alana share her frustrations about a plastic surgeon and I nodded while watching the traffic speeding by on the 405 below us and from where I'm standing now nothing is visible in the darkened canyons until the lights of the hushed city fan out of that darkness and I keep checking my phone for messages and I'm almost done with my second martini when a boy in a catering uniform tells me that dinner will be served in fifteen minutes and then that boy is replaced by Blair.
"I hope you're not driving tonight," she says.
"Hey, I had a bad feeling when I showed up but I'm happy now."
"You look like you're in a good mood."
"I am."
"When I saw you at Spago the other night I didn't think you could possibly be happy."
"Well, I am now."
She pauses. "I don't think I want to know why."
I finish the martini and place the glass on a ledge and then smile harmlessly at her, and I'm lightly swaying and Blair's looking at the shimmering sea curving toward us and it's miles and miles away.
"I thought of ignoring you but then decided not to," she says, moving closer to me.
"Now I feel pressured but I'm glad you're talking to me." I turn back to the view of the city. "Why didn't you talk to me for so long? What was that about?"
"I was thinking about my own safety."
"Why are you talking to me now?"
"You don't scare me anymore."
"So you've become an optimist."
"I kept thinking I could change you," she says. "All those years."
"But would that have been who you really wanted?" I stop and think it through. "Or would that have been who I really wanted to be?"
"What you really want to be doesn't exist, Clay."
"Why are you laughing when you say that?"
"I wanted to know if you'd talked to Julian," she asks. "Or did you do what I asked you to and just leave it alone?"
"You mean follow your instructions?"
"If you want to put it that way."
"Yeah, I saw him a couple of times and now I guess he's left town for a little while." I pause, then go for it: "Rain told me she doesn't know where he is."
At the mention of her name, Blair says, "You all have a very interesting relationship."
"It's just complicated," I offer casually. "Like it always is."
"She gets around, doesn't she?" Blair asks. "First Julian, then Rip, then Kelly and then you ... " She pauses. "I wonder who's next."
I don't say anything.
Chapter 11
"I'm not judging." She moves closer to me. "But Rain knows where Julian is. I mean, if I know where Julian is, then of course she knows."
"What is the source of your information?" I stop. "Oh, right. Your husband reps her."
"Not really. There's really nothing to rep." She pauses. "I think you know this, too."
"So where is Julian?" I ask.
"Why do you want to know where he is?" she asks. "Are you still friends?"
"Well, we used to be friends," I say. "But, I guess ... well, no, now we're not. It happens." I pause, then I can't help it. I ask again, "Where is he? How do you know where he is?"
