I changed into Taylor’s pajamas and put my new hoodie on over them.
I took my time brushing my teeth and taking out my contact lenses. I didn’t care that the boys might be waiting to use the bathroom. I just wanted time alone, away from them. When I came back out, Jeremiah and Conrad were on the floor, on opposite sides of the bed. They each had a pillow and a blanket. “You guys should take the bed,” I said, even though I only partly meant it. “There’s two of you. I’ll sleep on the floor.”
Conrad was busy ignoring me, but Jeremiah said, “Nah, you take it. You’re the girl.”
Under ordinary circumstances, I would have argued with him just for the principle of it—what did my being a girl have to do with whether or not I slept on the floor? I was a girl, not an invalid. But I didn’t argue. I was too tired. And I did want the bed.
I crawled onto the bed and got under the covers. Jeremiah set the alarm on his phone and shut off the lights. Nobody said good night or suggested we see if there was anything good on TV.
I tried to fall asleep but I couldn’t. I tried to remember the last time the three of us had slept in the same room. I couldn’t at first, but then I did.
We’d pitched a tent on the beach and I’d begged and begged to be included and finally my mother made them let me come. Me and Steven and Jeremiah and Conrad. We played Uno for hours and Steven high-fived me when I won twice in a row. Suddenly I missed my big brother so much I wanted to cry. Part of me thought that if Steven had been there, things wouldn’t have gotten this awful. Maybe none of this would have happened, because I would still be chasing after the boys instead of being in the middle.
But now everything had changed and we could never go back to the way things used to be.
I was lying in bed thinking about all of this when I heard Jeremiah snoring, which really annoyed me. He’d always been able to fall asleep at will, as soon as his head hit the pillow. I guessed he wasn’t losing any sleep over what had happened. I guessed I shouldn’t either. I flipped over on my other side, facing away from Jeremiah.
And then I heard Conrad say, quietly, “Earlier, when I said I never wanted you. I didn’t mean it.”
My breath caught. I didn’t know what to say or if I was even supposed to say anything. All I knew was, this was what I’d been waiting for. This exact moment. Exactly this.
I opened my mouth to speak, and then he said it again. “I didn’t mean it.”
I held my breath, waiting to hear what he’d say next.
All he said was, “Good night, Belly.”
After that, of course I couldn’t sleep. My head was too full of things to think about. What did he mean? That he wanted to be, like, together? Me and him, for real? It was what I’d wanted my whole life, but then there was Jeremiah’s face in the car, open and wanting and needing me. In that moment, I’d wanted and needed him, too, more than I had ever known. Had it always been there? But after tonight, I didn’t even know if he wanted me anymore. Maybe it was too late.
Then there was Conrad. I didn’t mean it . I closed my eyes and heard him say those words again and again. His voice, traveling across the dark, it haunted me and it thrilled me.
So I lay there barely breathing, going over every word. The boys were asleep and every part of me was fully awake and alive. It was like a really amazing dream, and I was afraid to fall asleep because when I woke up, it would be gone.
Chapter forty-three
july 7
I woke up before Jeremiah’s alarm went off. I took a shower, brushed my teeth, put on the same clothes as the day before.
When I came out, Jeremiah was on the phone and Conrad was folding up his blanket. I waited for him to look at me. If he would just look at me, smile, say something, I would know what to do.
But Conrad didn’t look up. He put the blankets back in the closet and then he put on his sneakers. He undid the laces and pulled them tighter. I kept waiting, but he wouldn’t look at me.
“Hey,” I said.
He finally raised his head. “Hey,” he said. “A friend of mine is coming to get me.”
“Why?” I asked.
“It’s easier this way. He’ll take me back to Cousins so I can get my car, and J can take you home.”
“Oh,” I said. I was so surprised, it took a moment for the disappointment, the utter disbelief, to register.
We stood there, looking at each other, saying nothing. But it was the kind of nothing that meant everything. In his eyes, there was no trace of what had happened between us earlier, and I could feel something inside me break.
So that was that. We were finally, finally over.
I looked at him, and I felt so sad, because this thought occurred to me: I will never look at you in the same way ever again. I’ll never be that girl again. The girl who comes running back every time you push her away, the girl who loves you anyway.
I couldn’t even be mad at him, because this was who he was. This was who he’d always been. He’d never lied about that. He gave and then he took away. I felt it in the pit of my stomach, the familiar ache, that lost, regretful feeling only he could give me. I never wanted to feel it again. Never, ever.
Maybe this was why I came, so I could really know. So I could say good-bye.
I looked at him, and I thought, If I was very brave or very honest, I would tell him . I would say it, so he would know it and I would know it, and I could never take it back. But I wasn’t that brave or honest, so all I did was look at him. And I think he knew anyway.
I release you. I evict you from my heart. Because if I don’t do it now, I never will.
I was the one to look away first.
Jeremiah hung up the phone and asked Conrad, “Is Dan on his way to come get you?”
“Yeah. I’m just gonna hang out here and wait for him.”
Jeremiah looked at me then. “What do you want to do?”
“I want to go with you,” I said. I picked up my bag and Taylor’s shoes.
He stood up and took my bag off my shoulder. “Then let’s go.” To Conrad, he said, “See you at home.”
I wondered which home he meant, the summer house or their house-house. But I guessed it didn’t really matter.
“Bye, Conrad,” I said. I walked out the door with Taylor’s shoes in my hand and I didn’t bother to put them on either. I didn’t look back. And right there, I felt it, the glow, the satisfaction of being the one who left first.
As we walked through the parking lot, Jeremiah said, “Maybe you should put your shoes on. You might cut your feet on something.”
