The tears came harder and harder and my heart squeezed so hard I thought I was going to stop breathing for a minute.
“It’s for the best.” I wasn’t sure how many times I had to say it before I actually started to believe it myself.
She didn’t say anything else, which for Cora was like an act of God himself, but she did stay and continue to stroke my head until I was all cried out.
The first week he was gone was the worst. I threw myself into school and picked up every extra shift I could at the bar, and not only because I had to pay Shaw back an exorbitant amount of money. I had to stay busy or I felt like I would crack into pieces.
My friends asked how I was doing every day, and every day I lied and said I was fine. I even gritted my teeth and listened to Cora when she gave me updates on how the tour was going. Apparently, Enmity was even more popular than the band that was headlining, which wasn’t surprising at all. Jet was a rock god and now all of Europe knew it, too. I wondered if, when he got back, he was finally going to sign with a big label and shoot to real stardom. He deserved to be recognized for how wonderful he was.
I ran more than I had ever run in my life. It was the only thing that wore me out enough so that I could fall asleep at night, and even then I still woke up and rolled over to reach for an empty side of the bed. When that happened, I tossed and turned and then finally gave up, and eventually just got out of my bed and went across the hall to sleep in Jet’s empty bed, because it still smelled like him and made my heart hurt less.
I thought I was doing a good job keeping it all together, but sometimes I would see Shaw watching me like she was afraid I was going to shatter or do something crazy, like beat Loren to death with her own stupidity. There were times Cora would say something and then just look at me, and I realized I was supposed to laugh or chime in with my two cents, but nothing really seemed funny to me anymore. It sucked. I felt like I was empty and hollow, and that hurt way worse than having anyone know what my life used to look like did.
Week two was a little better. I stopped listening for the sad strains of a guitar and I managed to stay in my own bed for most of the week. The only rough spot was when I overheard Cora talking to him on the phone, and I wanted to chase her down and steal it from her to ask how he was doing, ask if he had found some crappy European version of me to help heal his broken heart. That night, not only did I sleep in his room, but in his shirt as well. It was pathetic.
I had about a thousand unsent text messages on my phone that I battled day in and day out not to send to him. I wanted to tell him that I missed him, that I loved him, and that no one would ever be to me what he was. Instead, I listened to sad country songs (new ones, not old ones) and told myself over and over again that it was all for the best.
By the time week three rolled around, I was faking being okay like a pro. Shaw wasn’t giving me the eye anymore, and Cora was talking about Jet like it didn’t cut me open every time she said his name. I had even agreed to have a couple strictly platonic coffee dates with Adam, just to reinforce to him that I wasn’t interested, and that while I thought he was a super guy, my heart just simply belonged to someone else. He took it with a grain of salt, but continued to call, and as long as I had everyone watching for cracks in my facade of indifference, I decided it didn’t hurt to keep him around.
I was getting used to the absent feeling I was carrying around, getting used to the idea that this is what my life was going to look like now, because there was no replacing someone like Jet. There was no getting around that he was what my future was supposed to be when my past decided it wasn’t done toying with me yet.
I was getting ready for work, standing in the bathroom subconsciously looking for all the junk Jet used to leave lying around, when that same odd number from Kentucky that had been calling for weeks popped back up on my phone. I was going to ignore it, but then I figured it was just Asa, and since I hadn’t heard from him in more than a month, I decided it would be best to answer and let him check in, or ask for money, which was more likely. I propped the phone between my ear and shoulder while I fussed with my hair, and answered.
“Hello?”
It wasn’t Asa. It wasn’t Silas. It wasn’t my mom. It wasn’t anyone who I would have ever expected to hear from again.
“Hello, Ayden.”
I blinked for a second and stared in shock at my own reflection in the bathroom mirror.
“Mr. Kelly?” There was no mistaking that kind voice with the familiar Southern drawl. It was the voice that had broken me free from Woodward. It was the voice that had convinced me I was better than all the things I was doing wrong.
“I’m sure this is a surprise, but I had to call to tell you about Asa.”
I could see my own bewilderment reflected back at me.
“Asa?” I was sure I sounded as confused as I felt, but I was having a hard time putting two and two together.
There was a sigh on the other end of the phone.
“You know I always believed in karma. I thought that by helping you, getting you out of that trailer park and out from under your brother’s thumb, my universe would be in alignment, and for a while it was.”
“Have you been calling me the last month or so?”
“I have. I knew they were going to send Silas after Asa, so I wanted to check in on you. I figured as long as you answered, you were okay.”
I leaned against the sink because my knees were suddenly weak.
“What’s going on with my brother, Mr. Kelly?”
There was another sigh, and this one I could almost feel the heaviness of. I owed this man my life, but I had a sudden, sneaking suspicion he was about to move to the category of “no good things come out of Woodward.”
“Asa didn’t give you the entire book when you paid him off. There were a couple of pages missing from it and the motorcycle club isn’t happy.”
That was just like Asa. Leaving good enough alone was never his style and greed was just too powerful a motive.
“Asa is long gone, Mr. Kelly. I gave him enough money to sit on a beach and sip margaritas for as long as he wants. I can’t get those pages back.”
“Oh, I know that, Ayden, and you don’t have to worry about the missing pages. The club already retrieved them, and that’s why I’m calling.”
My stomach rolled and I felt the blackness start to swirl.
“Is my brother dead?”
There was a lot of silence on the other end of the phone and I thought I was going to pass out.
“No, but you might want to come home, because I honestly don’t know how much time he has left. He’s in bad shape. He’s at the hospital in Louisville.”
I gagged a little and sank to the floor. The cold tile on the back of my legs brought a little clarity to my rapidly spinning mind.
“How are you involved in all of this?” One thing was clear to me now, this man had never helped me out of the pure goodness of his heart.
“I wish I wasn’t. I wish I could have just watched you drive away and never thought of you again, but that isn’t the case when you live in a small town like this.”
“Mr. Kelly, please just get to the point.”
“My name is in that book, has been for years.”
I coughed a laugh out that sounded more like a wounded animal dying.
“So you saved me, just to sacrifice me when it was convenient for you?”
“Your brother courts trouble, Ayden. Blame him, not me. When I decided to help you I had to get the money from somewhere and there was no way a teacher has those kinds of funds lying around. I gamble, I have for years, and sometimes my luck is better than others. I was on a hot streak when I helped you out and now . . .” There was a long drawn-out pause and I could almost feel him struggling with the words to use to minimize the damage this call was creating in the fabric of my reality. “Now all that luck is gone and it was get Asa and the book or end up in a morgue. I’m so sorry you had to be involved Ayden.”
“Why on earth would Asa go back to Woodward, knowing what was waiting for him there?”
I was so lost, so confused, but one thing was obvious, this was just one more person who had used me as a means to an end. One more person who couldn’t see past what they thought I should be. As it turned out, being the only person that knew where to find me, the only person back home with a clue as to how my life was progressing out in the mountains, had proven too good a bargaining chip for him not to use.
“Because I called him and passed on the message that if he didn’t come back, the club was going after you.”
I hissed out a breath through my teeth. “You would have sent them here?”
“It’s a lot of money, Ayden. One day, maybe you’ll understand. I’m the one who called the ambulance when they were done with your brother, so maybe instead of judging me, you should thank me. After all, the life you’re living now, no matter how you came by it, is because of me. I knew I was absolutely doing the right thing when I saved you from this town. I knew you had greatness in you and I wasn’t wrong. You have become a remarkable young woman with so much potential. It does a guilty part of me good to know I had a hand in that.”
“Asa came back because of me?”
That didn’t make any sense. My brother was selfish, he was arrogant, and really, the only person he cared about was himself. The idea that he would have sacrificed himself for my safety was just crazy.
“He did. He knew whatever the club did to him wouldn’t compare to what they would have done to you, if they got their hands on you. For what it’s worth, your brother got less than he deserved, and if he pulls through, maybe he’ll have learned a lesson. I really am sorry it had to go this way, Ayden. You deserve better.”
The phone went dead on the other end of the line. I let mine rattle from my numb hand onto the floor. I put my forehead against my knees and concentrated on not passing out. It was all a lot to take in. My brother, Mr. Kelly, the way things were with Jet, all of it came tumbling down around me, like a house of cards. Thoughts of things I should have done differently started slamming into my head, left and right. The decisions I had made, bad and good, began chasing each other in a circle so fast that I was dizzy and sick at the same time.
I heard the bathroom door open and looked up at Cora with startled eyes. I must have been quite a sight, because she freaked out a little when she called my name.
“What in the hell is going on? I thought you fell in the shower or something.”
I just gazed up at her, this little punk-rock pixie who I loved, and realized that Mr. Kelly was dead wrong. The life I had now had nothing to do with anyone but me. These people loved me for me and would love me in spite of me. They loved whatever me I gave them, no questions asked. Bad choices and a life lived unwisely before I got to this point weren’t worth suffering an eternity for, and trying to save Jet from me was stupid. He was the only person I had ever cared about who wanted me just for me, and not for what I could do for him. If I had let him, he would have loved every part of me, and made sure that both of us were safe from the things that the past kept trying to drag us back into.
