I see Stuart pull up across the road, and take a step back. I can't watch the rest. She took his hand. Jane was right, she doesn’t need me as much as I need her. Stuart was right, she is stronger than we are.
I don’t know her as well as I think I do.
I don’t know what to do with myself so I walk for a long time in a daze, until my phone rings.
"Hey." It's Stuart with his cheesy, fake Wichita accent that he swears helps keep him in character with them.
"Is she alright?"
He sighs, "She's fine. She went to some fancy place and ate and went back to her room. She's fine. She and Michelle are good in there. But dude, for reals, my balls are burning. They are so blue, I can barely walk. I'm picking Michelle up in like thirty minutes. I'll have her back in no time, okay?"
I feel spacey and lost. I nod and mutter, "Sure." I have to map myself back to the car. I call her and get my angry act on; it's not hard. I am angry, but it's with myself.
"Hi," she answers sounding strong and amazing.
I snap, "You don’t go to restaurants with boys that you haven’t cleared with me first." I'm angry for petty reasons.
"I didn’t. You knew what I was doing." She sounds angry, I like that.
"Don't play games with me. You won't win. You specifically told me you were going to a chicken place and never went there."
She stammers, "I'm sorry. I should have called and told you we were changing places. I just…well…I had an attack and had to leave the first place."
She sounds weak again and it softens me, "Are you okay?"
She pauses and sighs, "No. I had it right in front of him. It was humiliating."
"I'll call the doc. She'll want to see you." I hate that she has to see Jane, but I want this over.
"Whatever," she says.
I hate that, "Don't say that. It's rude."
She doesn't say anything.
I clear my throat, "If you're going to date, and Stuart is dating the ever-lovely Miss Monkton, then the rules are changing. You will not date on the same evening."
I can almost hear her frown, "What if we have a date planned for the same night?"
I see my car and sigh, "Then he cancels his. You will remain in the dorms if he and Miss Monkton are out. Are we clear?"
"Yup," she sounds pissed again.
"Yup, is piss-poor English. Goodnight, sweet dreams."
I have never said that to her before. I hang up like always and just stare at the phone. I am losing my strength and control.
I drive to the campus and follow someone into her dorms. I slide down the wall and sit in the hallway outside her room with my iPad and wait, listening to the sound of her TV. I'm exhausted, but I know how scared she is. If she knew I was sitting outside her room, she would feel better but she can't. So I just have to sit there and hope she can be strong until Michelle comes home. I know what happens to her at night.
I message her, 'Go to sleep.'
She texts back, 'You first.' It makes me smile.
I grin as I text her like we're normal people, 'I am sleeping.'
'What are you dreaming about?' My stomach aches when I see her response. She is being friendly.
My fingers don’t stand a chance. They know they shouldn’t text her the one word they want to, but they do it anyway. 'You.'
Her room is nearly silent. She doesn’t move in there or answer back for a few minutes. 'What am I doing? In your dream?'
Thankfully, it's the right amount of time I need to get my head back on straight. I can't ever be the person she needs. I clench my jaw and text back, 'Sleeping and not annoying the living hell out of me.' I stare at the phone, hating myself as I type, 'Night.'
I stay as long as I have to, which is all night. My eyes flutter a few times, but I can stay awake for long amounts of time. I used to have to.
Michelle comes home in the wee hours of the morning, about ten minutes after Stuart messages me to tell me he is there to drop her off. I stroll out to where they're kissing goodnight and wait for her to get out of the truck. From behind the tree, she can't see me, but I can see the satisfaction on her face. Stuart also looks happy. I can't interfere in that, as much as I want to. I can't. I love seeing him happy. He's the only brother I ever had and he never lets girls get to him. He bangs and moves on, as he so eloquently puts it. He is my family, the only one I have ever really had.
Sometimes I think I replaced Em with him. I walk to the truck as Michelle walks to the dorm door. I get in and give him a look, "No more dates on the same night, okay?"
He nods, "Alright."
"You have a good time?"
He nods but his face doesn’t have any of the bliss it did before, "You look wiped. You been here the whole time?"
I yawn and nod, "Yeah. I need some sleep."
He chuckles, "You are taking this to a dark fucking place, man. I got the next watch." He takes us home to my place. I crash instantly and sleep like the dead.
When I wake, Stuart's passed out on the sofa. I frown, "Stu, where is she?" The hallway camera is annoying. I can't see anything but her door. I text her.
'Where are you?'
She doesn’t respond, it goes to voicemail. The message doesn’t deliver. I swallow hard. "Stu, where is she?"
He opens an eye, "What?" He pops up, "Oh shit, man, I fell asleep. Sorry, dude. She's probably there still."
I clench my jaw, "WHERE IS SHE?"
He puts a hand out, "Breaths. I'll find Michelle."
He texts and shakes his head, "Michelle left her in the room sleeping. She's probably still there."
"FUCK!" I start sending text messages. Not great ones.
'Where are you?'
'Why is your phone not receiving the messages?'
'I am going to send you back to that fucking orphanage if you don’t answer my god damned messages!'
'WHERE ARE YOU?'
'THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT I WAS TALKING ABOUT WHEN I SAID I DIDN'T LIKE THE DATE! IF YOU'RE HURT SOMEWHERE AND I CAN'T FIND YOU, YOU'RE IN TROUBLE!'
Stuart waves his hands, shouting at me, "SHE'S IN THE SHOWER. MELLOW YOUR SHIT. MICHELLE IS GETTING HER NOW."
I growl, "IS SHE WITH HER NOW?"
He nods, "YES! Now chill out. Stop yelling at me. In two years we haven’t slipped up once. Dang dude, it's too early for this shit."
I see my messages start to deliver just as she phones. I feel like I'm going to explode, "YOU EVER TURN THAT DAMN PHONE OFF AGAIN AND I WILL COME AND GET YOU. NO MATTER WHERE YOU ARE! DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?"
I hear the silence and the panic, and then the tears. She can't breathe and I feel like shit. She doesn’t know why I worry. She doesn’t know that I lost her once and it cost me everything.
In her world, she is fine. This is fine. She hasn’t ever been missing before in her world. I take a breath and speak softly, "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I was wrong to shout like that. You scared me. I have to know where you are."
She doesn't talk. She whimpers slightly.
I whisper almost, "I can hear you breathing. I know you’re upset. Close your eyes. Just like Doctor Bradley says. Close them and find the peace and gratitude."
"You're an asshole," she whispers. A laugh bursts from me. It's huge progress for us both.
"Don't turn it off again, okay?" I mutter.
"Whatever."
I sigh, "Come on. Work with me here. It's all for your benefit."
"Whatever."
I think she's angry. I have yet to see that. Emotions beyond fear, from her are amazing feats. "You mad?" I ask, trying not to sound too amused.
"Yup."
"Good." I hang up and smile.
Then I remember the texts and quickly send her a message, 'Ignore the bad messages, the early in the morning ones. Got a bit desperate.'
I look at Stuart and wince, "Sorry."
He shakes his head, "I know."
And he does. He's the only one.
He looks exhausted. I nod, "Go back to bed. I'll take the next watch."
He shakes his head, "No. We gotta go work out."
I sigh, "Alright."
I want to say no, but I know she has classes all day and Michelle will be with her. I need to get work done and work out. Stuart and I learned early on, people like us have a need to work out. It's a dark need that can't be filled by anything other than full-on exertion. We did CrossFit for a while but boxing is the best.
I never noticed on the drive over to the gym he was quiet, but I detect it in the ring. He's pussyfooting around and barely taking shots. I pull back, watching his face for a second.
"What?"
He shakes his head, "What?"
My eyebrow cocks instantly, "Really? I've known you for fifteen years—that’s the best lie you've got?"
He snorts, "She's going to a club tonight, man."
I turn for the ropes-car-dorms-hostage situation but he grabs me.
"No, she needs this."
I swing at him but he jumps back, laughing, "This is the journey. Me and you have both been down this road, bro."
Flashes of me and Stuart in bars screwing chicks in bathrooms fills my mind. My eyes widen. I shove him and jump the ropes. He tackles me into the wall. I shove him off but he jerseys me and drags me down the hallway bent over.
He tosses me into the change room, making me stumble over a bench. His face is red when he points his glove, "Stop this shit."
I shake my head, "I can't let her go to a bar. She can't. She'll freak and panic, and have an attack in front of everyone, and that will set her back further. She cares so much about how she seems to them all."
He nods, "I know." His dark eyes cloud over, "Who knows about the lonely better than me?"
