I dream a dream I've had before. A dream that seems to go on forever. It takes place in eternity, at least, my idea of such a place.
I stand on a vast grassy plain with a few gently sloping hills in the far distance. It is night, yet the sky is bright. There is no sun, but a hundred blue stars blaze overhead, shimmering in a long nebulous river. The place feels familiar to me. The air is warm, saturated with sweet aromas. Miles away a large number of people walk into a vessel--a violet-colored spaceship of gigantic proportions. The vessel shines from the inside with divine radiance, almost blinding in its brilliance. I know it is about to depart and that I am supposed to be on it. Yet I cannot leave until I have finished speaking with Lord Krishna.
He stands beside me on the wide plain, his gold flute in his right hand, a red lotus flower in his left. We both have on long blue gowns. He wears an exquisite jewel around his neck--the Kaustubha gem, in which the destiny of every soul can be seen. He stares up at the sky, waiting for me to speak. But I cannot remember what we were discussing.
"My Lord," I whisper. "I feel lost."
His eyes remain fixed on the stars. "You feel sepa?rate from me."
"Yes. I don't want to leave you. I don't want to go to earth."
"No. You misunderstand. You are not lost. The entire creation belongs to me--it is a part of me. How can you be lost? Your feeling of separation gives rise to your confusion." He glances my way, finally, his long black hair blowing in the soft wind. The stars shim?mer in the depths of his dark eyes. The entire creation is there. His smile is kind, the feeling of love that pours from him overwhelming. "You have already been to earth. You are home now."
"Is this possible?" I whisper, straining to remem?ber. Faint recollections of being on earth come to me. I recall a husband, a daughter--I can see her smile. Yet a dark film covers them. I view them from a peculiar perspective, from a mind I can scarcely believe is connected to me. In front of them many centuries stretch out, choked with endless days, and nights, suffering people, all awash in blood. Blood that I have spilled. I have to force the question from my lips. "What did I do on earth, my Lord?"
"You wanted to be different--you were different. It doesn't matter. This creation is a stage, and we all play roles as heroes and villains alike. It is all maya-- illusion."
"But did I--sin?"
My question amuses him. "It is not possible."
I glance toward the waiting vessel. It is almost full. "Then I don't have to leave you?"
He laughs. "Sita. You have not heard me. You cannot leave me. I am always with you, even when you think you are on earth." He changes his tone--he becomes more of a friend than a master. "Would you like to hear a story?"
I have to smile, although I am more confused than ever.
"Yes, my Lord," I say.
He considers. "There was once a fisherman and his wife, who lived in a small town by the ocean. Every day the fisherman would go out to sea in his boat, and his wife would stay behind and care for the house. Their life was simple, but happy. They loved each other very much.
"The wife had only one complaint about her hus?band--he would eat only fish. For breakfast, lunch, and dinner, he would eat only what he caught. It didn't matter what she cooked and baked: bread or pastries, rice or potatoes--he would have none of it. Fish was his food, he said, and that was the way it had to be. From an early age, he had been this way, he had taken a vow his wife could not understand.
"It came to pass one day that his wife finally got fed up with his limited diet She decided to trick him, to mix a piece of cooked lamb in with his fish. She did this cleverly, so that from the outside the fish looked as if it had come straight from the sea. But hidden beneath the scales of the fish was the red meat. When he returned home that evening and sat down at the table, the fish was waiting for him.
"At first he ate his meal with great relish, noticing nothing amiss. His wife sat beside him, eating the same food. But when he was halfway through, he began to cough and choke. He couldn't catch his breath. It was only then he smelled something odd on his plate. He turned to his wife, eyes blazing with anger.
" 'What have you done?' he demanded. 'What is in this fish?'
"The wife sat back, scared. 'Only a little lamb. I thought you might enjoy the change.'
"At these words the fisherman wiped the plate from the table and onto the floor. His anger knew no bounds. Still, he could not catch his breath. It was as if the lamb had caught in his windpipe and refused to shake loose.
" 'You've poisoned me!' he cried. 'My own wife has poisoned me!'
" 'No! I only wanted to feed you something differ?ent.' She stood and slapped him on the back, but it did not help. 'Why are you choking like this?'
"The fisherman fell onto the floor, turning blue.
'Don't you know?" he gasped. 'Don't you know who I am?'
'"You are my husband,' the wife cried, kneeling beside him.
" 'I am ...' the fisherman whispered. 'I am what I am.'
"Those were his last words. The fisherman died, and as he did, his body changed. His legs turned into a large flipper. His skin became covered with silver scales. His face bulged out and his eyes became blank and cold. Because, you see, he was not a person. He was a fish, which is what he had been all along. As a big fish, he could eat only smaller fish. Everything else was poison to him." Krishna paused. "Do you under?stand, Sita?"
"No, my Lord."
"It doesn't matter. You are what you are. I am what I am. We are the same--when you take the time to remember me." Krishna raises his flute to his lips. "Would you like to hear a song?"
"Very much, my Lord."
"Close your eyes, listen closely. The song is always the same, Sita. But it is always changing, too. That is the mystery, that is the paradox. The truth is always simpler than you can imagine."
I close my eyes and Lord Krishna begins to play his magical flute. For a time, outside of time, that is all matters. The music of his enchanted notes floats a wind that blows from the heart of the galaxy, lead the stars shine down on us as the universe slowly revolves and the ages pass. I do not need to see my Lord to know that he is present everywhere. I do not need to touch him to feel his hand on my heart. I do not need anything, except his love. After a while, that is all there is--his divine love pouring through the center of my divine being. Truly, we are one and the same.
