Jim laughed and clunked his bottle of beer down on the table to wipe off the drops that dribbled down his chin. "Okay, why the hell would you think your dick was falling off?"
I huffed. "Because…"
"Because Carter here banged a virgin whose name he never got and had a bloody one-eyed snake," he said, interrupting me with a laugh.
I thought I heard Jim growl a little under his breath and I looked his way to see what his deal was, but he brought his beer back up to his mouth right then and wasn’t looking at me. I must have just imagined it. I turned to face Drew to find him still laughing.
"Okay, seriously, you are making this whole thing sound really awful. You need to work on your storytelling skills, idiot," I complained.
"There is nothing about what I've said that isn't true. You're just pissed off after all these years of searching you have never been able to smell her again."
No, that didn’t sound weird at all.
After getting a strange, almost angry vibe from Jim the last several minutes, he finally seemed to relax.
"Wow, so you actually looked for this girl and never found out who she was?" Jim asked.
Drew started to answer him, but I punched him in the arm.
"You shut your mouth. It's my turn," I said to him.
I sighed. I hated thinking about this part. For some reason it made my chest hurt.
"Yes, I looked for her. I would have given anything just to talk to her again and I don’t care how much of a pu**y that makes me sound. I asked everyone on that f**king campus and no one could tell me anything. I even went to admissions and tried to bribe the secretary into letting me look through yearbooks," I explained.
"Ha ha, she called the cops on you, remember?" Drew laughed.
"Um, yeah I remember. She called the cops because you told her we needed to look at pictures of all the female student body, pun intended, and see which one gave me a hard-on. She thought I was a pervert."
"So, why did you want to find her so badly? I mean, everyone has one-night-stands at some point. Most guys would consider themselves lucky they didn't have to deal with the whole morning-after bullshit," Jim stated.
I should feel embarrassed about this shit, but in all honesty, I didn't. Even though we just met him, I felt like Jim was the type of guy I could confide in and he wouldn't judge me, as opposed to my ex-best friend who was miming the act of playing a violin to go along with my sad tune.
"There was something about her," I said with a shrug. "Something that drew me in and made me want to just be near her. We talked for hours while we played beer pong. She got my sense of humor and we had the same taste in music and movies. Everything I can remember about her just makes me want to find her and see if she really existed. And it had nothing to do with the sex. Although, I would like to apologize to her for ruining her first time since I was completely trashed. It's more than that though. No woman has ever been on my mind as much as her. And it drives me f**king crazy that I can't remember her face," I said irritably as I flicked my beer bottle cap across the table.
Understanding seemed to wash over Jim’s face and he nodded his head. The anger I swore I saw flash in and out of his features during this entire exchange suddenly vanished.
"Okay, now that you got all the touchy-feely shit out of the way, tell him about the creepy stalker shit you do," Drew said pointedly.
"Fuck you. It's not stalker shit."
"Right, because dragging my ass into every single f**king girly store and making me stand there while you smell everything that's made with chocolate, made near chocolate or made by something that shits chocolate isn't weird at all. And don't think I haven't forgotten about that last time a few months ago when the clerk asked us how long we'd been dating and you put your arm around me and said, "Well, sugar plum, this big, strong, sexy beast and I have been together for ages now," he said, mimicking the high-pitched voice I used at the time.
Jim threw his head back and laughed and even I had to snicker at the memory. When Drew turned to run out of the store I smacked him on the ass. It really was priceless.
"Alright, so after five years I can't get the smell of her out of my head. Big f**king deal. And it's not like I Google every store that sells lotion and just go down the list every weekend. If I happen to be in a store that sells lotions or soap, I go and smell a few to see if by some off chance I’ll find the one that smells like she did. I just can't pass up the chance to find that smell again. It drives me God damn crazy."
Both men sat there staring at me. Fuck, I really was growing a vagina.
"You, my friend need to bang this chick out of your system once and for all. We really need to find you a nice girl that won't f**k you over and will make you forget about the Count Chocula Cooter," Drew said with a sad shake of his head.
"I may have just the girl for you," Jim said with a smirk.
"Perfect!” Drew proclaimed with a hard smack to my back. “You see, little buddy? There just might be hope for you yet. Hey, maybe we can even convince her to slather some Three Musketeers on her vagina. We'll just tell her you have a Willy Wonka fetish," Drew said with a laugh, finishing off his beer.
I kicked the leg of his chair while he leaned back on two of them. While I watched him windmill his arms to get his balance and not fall backwards onto the hardwood floor, I thought I heard Jim whisper something that sounded like, "That won't be necessary."