"Technically, she doesn't sell them. She's just doing it as a favor to me," Liz chimed in, saving me from trying to explain. "We’re starting up a business together. I'm selling sex toys and she'll sell cookies and candies."
"I like sex and….caaaaandy yeeaaahhh," Drew sang, completely f**king up the words to the song.
"Oh, so in answer to your question Liz—yes!" Jenny said over top of Drew’s poor rendition of the sex and candy song. "Everyone tonight bought Claire a vibrator! How many did you end up with? Eleven?" Jenny asked. "I still can't believe you have never used one on yourself. That's just insanity right there. No orgasm comes close to the ones you can have with one of those puppies."
This was not happening right now. This was a dream wasn't it? Like one of those where you're in front of your entire high school naked and everyone is pointing at you and laughing. Except this time, I'm lying on the dining room table naked and everyone is pointing dildos at me.
"Oh my gosh, I know right?" Liz agreed, leaning forward so she could see around me. "I can have multiple orgasms in seconds with the Jack Rabbit."
Liz was a traitor. Benedict Liz. That's what I was calling her from now on. Fucking Benedict Liz.
"No offense baby," she said sheepishly to Jim.
"None take, love. As long as you get off, I'm happy," he said with a smile as he leaned over and kissed her shoulder.
"Claire, you absolutely have to go home tonight and use the Jack Rabbit. And then call me immediately after and give me a report," Jenny said excitedly.
"No, she shouldn't go with JR her first time out of the gate, that will scar her for life. She needs to ease herself into using toys. Did anyone buy you a bullet?" Liz asked casually with a glance in my direction. "A bullet is the best bet for your first time. It's small, doesn't make a lot of noise but it's powerful as shit," Liz explained. “It will take you thirty seconds, tops.”
Are these people seriously discussing how I should give myself an orgasm at the dinner table like they were discussing the directions for putting together a book shelf? Insert slot A into your vagina and twist. What the f**k is happening right now?!
"Sorry," I said to Carter. "My vagina usually isn’t dinner topic conversation."
He was the only one that heard me since everyone else at the table was…fuck! Still talking about my God damned vagina.
“Maybe she should use the blue dolphin. It’s so cute with its bottle nose and adorable little eyes and fin! She could make up a whole story about it swimming up her channel!” Jenny proclaimed.
Carter laughed and gave me a reassuring smile and for some strange reason I wanted to climb over the table and lick his mouth.
"Alright, now I'm curious. Bullets, rabbits, dolphins…are we still talking about vibrators or are you freaky people into bestiality? I want to see these things and what they can do. Claire, go out to your car and bring them in," Drew said as he pulled his cell phone out of his pocket. "This thing has a video camera on it somewhere…" he trailed off, pushing a bunch of buttons.
"Um, no. I am not bringing in vibrators that I have neither confirmed nor denied to receiving. So shut up and eat your dinner, all of you."
"Too bad that Max guy didn't have a bullet on him. You could have at least gotten off before his dad came home," Jenny laughed.
"Ooooh, is this the guy you were talking about when you walked in the door? What happened?" Drew asked, momentarily forgetting about filming amateur p**n on his cell phone.
"No. Absolutely not," I protested.
“Come on, Claire, it’s no big deal, just answer it,” Jenny begged with a laugh.
“Come on, Claire,” Drew argued while I sat there with my arms folded glaring at him.
“Answer the question, Claire!” Drew and Jenny said sternly at the same time while trying to reign in their laughter.
“Yeah, because I’ve never heard the Breakfast Club reference before,” I muttered.
"Awww, don't feel bad, Claire. Everyone's got an embarrassing sex experience. Hell, Carter here had sex with a virgin when he was drunk one time in college and never found out her name."
Somewhere in heaven, baby Jesus is weeping. Or maybe that’s just me and the sound of my dignity dying. I'm sure Jim, Liz and I looked like we just witnessed a horrific car accident. And technically, we kind of did. I felt like blocking off the table with crime scene tape. "Keep it movin' folks, there's nothing to see here - just my self-respect being flushed down the crapper."
I’m pretty sure I stopped breathing and Liz smacked Jim in the chest so he’d close his mouth which was currently stuck in the “holy shit, did that just happen?!” wide open position. I wondered for a minute if this whole thing was one big elaborate plan to trip me up and get me to confess and that everyone at the table was in on it. My eyes glanced over to Carter to see his reaction and he looked embarrassed, not like he wanted to wring my neck for keeping a secret from him that he knew and he knew that I knew that he knew.
I started tapping my foot nervously, my leg bouncing up and down. Liz reached over under the table and put her hand on my knee.
"Drew, Jesus, man," Carter muttered, shaking his head.
I interrupted Liz. She was giving me a look that clearly said now was a perfect opportunity to come clean, but I wasn't ready for that yet. This was not something you blurted across the table in front of people. Instead, I let the word vomit flow.