"I have noo-noo-cows, Greg, can you milk me?"
"They're called ni**les, Gavin."
Honesty is the best policy. Let's go with that.
He sat there for a few minutes not saying anything. I was mentally patting myself on the back for being a good parent and being able to be truthful with my son.
"Nipples," he said softly.
I nodded my head, proud that he had no problem using the big-people word and not something silly. I still had nightmares about the fact that my father called a vagina a choo-choo-laney when I was growing up.
"Nipples, ni**les, ni**les. That's fun to say!"
Shit. I may have spoken too soon.
He jumped down off of the bed and ran out of my room, singing "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star" but replaced each and every word with "nipple."
17. Duct Tape for the Win
Trojan, Durex, Lifestyles, Trojan Magnum (oh yeah, my three foot c**k definitely needed those), Contempo, Vivid and Rough Rider.
Seriously? There was a condom brand called Rough Rider? Why not just go with Fuck Her Hard and be done with it?
I stood in the "Family Planning" aisle of the grocery store, trying to decide which condom brand was more effective. Family Planning…give me a break. How many people came to this aisle because they were planning a family? They came to this aisle to AVOID planning a family.
I couldn't buy Trojan. Every time I opened the box I heard that god damn jingle from the commercial, "Trojan Man!" and then I thought of a guy on a horse. Durex made me think of Playtex which made me think of tampons, which made me think of periods, which made me want to dry heave. Lifestyles made me think of Robin Leach and caviar. Fish eggs were not sexy and neither was Robin Leach.
I wasn't going to make myself look like a major ass**le and buy Trojan Magnum. If I bought those things, I'd have to talk like Dirty Hairy in the bedroom. "Do you feel lucky today, seeing my giant penis, punk?"
Claire probably wouldn't take too kindly to me calling her a punk before I had sex with her.
Contempo just sounded boring, like contemporary music, John Tesh or some shit like that. Snooze fest. If people fell asleep while you were having sex with them, you needed to get your shit together.
Rough Rider was already out so that left me with Vivid. Vivid video was a p**n making company. And the things I wanted to do to Claire could definitely be in p**n . I think dressing up like a FedEx guy so I could deliver my big package to the horny housewife while she bent over the kitchen sink may have to wait at least a few weeks though.
I grabbed the forty-eight count bulk box that came with a free bottle of KY Warming Liquid and a vibrating c**k ring and threw them in the cart. The c**k ring scared me just a little. The idea of something vibrating by my balls made me nervous. What if it short-circuited? Great Balls of Fire didn't need to occur in the bedroom. And the smell of burning nut hair was sure to kill the mood.
"Stop worrying. I'm sure Claire isn't going to even notice that you have a tiny tallywhacker."
I turned around to see Jim standing in the aisle with a smirk and a box of tampons in his hand.
"Very funny, ass**le. Looks like you're on the rag this week. Make sure to get yourself some Midol and a copy of Terms of Endearment so you can have yourself a good cry," I quipped.
"Hey, Terms of Endearment is a very touching, beautiful story about the dynamics in a mother/daughter relationship. Show some respect for Shirley McClain and Debra Winger for f**k's sake. That movie won five Oscars for…"
"Jesus, calm down, Nancy. Does Liz know you're using her vagina today?" I asked in mock horror.
Jim smiled, "I'm going to pretend you didn't say that because if I told Liz, she would cut your nut sack off, dude."
He was right about that. Liz was a bulldog with rabies and mad cow disease. She would f**k me up if I crossed her.
"Since I just caught you buying condoms, and Claire is like a sister to me, I feel I must say a few words at this time," he explained, shoving aside some bottles of lube on a shelf next to him so he could put his box of tampons down and cross his arms in front of him.
I nodded. "By all means."
"I like you, Carter, but I met Claire first and I'm engaged to her best friend, so that means, by chick laws, I have to like her more. I feel it's necessary that I use the words of some of the greats in history to establish the sincerity of the situation we find ourselves in."
He paused and I waited for him to continue by resting my elbow on the handle of my cart.
"You mess with the bull, you get the horns."
"If you want to throw down fisticuffs, I've got Jack Johnson and Tom O'Leary waiting for ya, right here."
"I'll get you my pretty and your little dog too."
"I will gouge out your eyeballs and skull-fuck you."
I nodded my head, impressed. "Full Metal Jacket?" I asked.
"Nice touch," I replied.
Jim turned around and grabbed his tampons off of the shelf.
"Well, alrighty then. My work here is done. I've got a few more items to pick up so I'll talk to you later."
An hour and a half later, I managed to clean up the house, change the sheets on my bed, make up the extra bed in the spare room for Gavin and set up a couple of the things I bought for him over the past week. Maybe it was a little bit much, but oh well. I'd missed out on four years of birthdays, Christmases, Valentine's Days, Arbor Days, Sundays and every other day I could have bought him something. I had a lot of time to make up for.