"Sorry, baby, even if you did black out, I still have proof of your stupidity," he said with a laugh. I grabbed the napkin from his hand and squinted at the messy writing that was all over it as he got back under the covers behind me.
"I don't wanna be def. Death. Dead. This Burger Twin nappykin just got served as my will, BEOTCH! The fries here suck, by the way. If I die, don't feed my son your shitty fries. Don't give my son to the creepy child molester king you put in your commercials either. What the f**k is wrong with that guy? He's got a normal body and a plastic face that is always smiley. It's not right, man. It's just not right. My ears feel funny."
I wondered if someone gave me a roofie last night. This was the one time in my life I hoped I got roofied, so I could blame it on something other than me being a horrible drunk.
"Wow, okay, so I've been meaning to bring up the subject of having a will drafted by a lawyer and getting a new birth certificate for Gavin that has your name on it. I probably should have done that before I drank my weight in wine," I explained.
"Well, lucky for you, I'm fluent in Claire’s Drunken Ramblings. Even though you barely knew what you were saying last night, I could tell this is important to you. It's important to me too. God forbid anything should ever happen to us, but if something does, it would make me feel better knowing Gavin is going to be okay. I mean, I know we have your dad and even though you haven’t met them yet, my parents are absolutely on board with anything that has to do with Gavin, but I agree that we should also have someone younger as a back-up plan just in case. I know you're going to be insanely busy for the next month or so once the shop opens tomorrow, and we'll have no time to really sit down and discuss this, so I thought maybe we could just sort of pop in on our friends in the next few days and see how they do when they're around Gavin. You know, sort of like a secret interview."
I really wanted to throw up right now, but I had to choke it back because Carter deserved my undivided, non-spewing attention.
"I can't believe you actually took me seriously about anything last night."
Carter slid over to my side of the bed, pressing his body up against mine as he wrapped his arms around my waist.
"I take everything you say seriously. Even when you're sexting our friends and screaming into the drive-thru window that whoever is making your burger better not spit in it," Carter said, placing a kiss to my temple.
I lifted my hand up in front of my face and noticed the bandage wrapped around my middle finger for the first time.
"I guess it's fitting I almost sliced off my middle finger. It will be fun to flip everyone off when they ask me what happened," I said with a sigh. "You know what I just remembered? Liz and Jim are babysitting his little cousin for a few hours today. I was planning on going over there so she and Gavin could play while Liz and I filled out the last of our paperwork. You could come with us and we could do our first super secret spy interview."
Carter leaned up on his elbow so he could look down at me.
"Will I get to wear a secret decoder ring and make up a spy code name, like Ichybon Snagglewhip or Bonanza Challywag?"
I turned my head and looked up at him.
"Will I ever have to say those names out loud, in front of people we know?" I asked.
"Only if our cover is blown."
He laid his head back down on the pillow behind me and within seconds, I could feel his hard penis up against my ass.
"Really? Talking about Bonanza Challywag excites you?" I asked with a laugh, trying not to grimace when the action made my stomach churn.
His hand, that rested on my stomach, snuck under my tank top and slid up the front of my body until it came in contact with my bare breast.
"Anything I say, do or think about with you excites me," he said softly as his palm feathered over my nipple. I pushed my hips back and rubbed my ass up against his length while he kneaded my breast and pressed a kiss to the side of my neck. His head jerked away from me abruptly and his hand stopped its exploration of my flesh.
"You're going to throw up, aren't you?" he asked as I squeezed my eyes shut and thought about rainbows and kittens and other things that didn't make me want to puke.
It didn't work. Rainbows made me think of, "Taste the rainbow," which made me think of Skittles and the half-pound bag I ate last night before bed. Kittens made me think of fleas and litter boxes with little poops that looked like tootsie rolls covered in rocks and…
I bolted out of bed and raced to the bathroom, barely making it in time before I emptied the contents of my stomach—which coincidentally looked a bit like a rainbow.
"It's okay, my penis is not offended in the least that it just made you throw up," Carter yelled from the bedroom.
Carter got Gavin up, dressed and fed him breakfast while I took a shower and tried to feel human. As much as I hated to do it, puking actually helped. I exorcised the demons.
When I got out of the shower, I realized I didn't have any clothes...well, aside from the tank top I wore to bed and underwear. Where the hell did my clothes go?
I went through Carter’s closet and found one of his shirts and threw it on then dug through his underwear drawer for a pair of boxers. Instead, buried way in the back, I found a teeny, tiny pair of red banana-hammock briefs.
The revenge gods were smiling down on me today, my friends.
I shimmied into them and made my way out to the kitchen where Carter was cleaning up breakfast and Gavin was giving him a run for his money.