The big difference? She’s tiny and I’m a size twelve. On a good day, that is. On bad days, like bloated period days, or days when I’ve decided that chocolate is calling my name nonstop, which, let’s face it, is most days, then I’m more of a fourteen. Not that I’m fat, but since the images that society forces down our throats these days tell us that if you aren’t built like a stick with boobs (bee sting size), then you are not skinny, but I am a healthy kind of curvy. I’ve always said that I was just born in the wrong century, cause back then? I would have been the shit!
Sighing in exasperation at what I was about to walk into, I pulled up to the street outside my sister’s house. I parked and got out, heading into the darkness of the trees lining the fence, knowing I’m about to have to make an ass out of myself. I grabbed the top of the chain link fence and started jamming my toes into the holes and climbing. I got to the top and started to throw my leg over when all of a sudden a hand grabbed my ankle and I let out a terrified squeak.
“Holy jeebus, shut the hell up, would you?” Jenna smacked at my leg until I had to growl at her to stop.
“Jenna, you idiot, what are you doing? And why the hell do I need to climb your stupid fence anyway? Where’s Noah?”
“Just hurry up and get down here. I don’t have much time to get into place, since you took your sweet ass time getting here.” Jenna moved back from the fence to allow me room to flip my other leg up and over the top.
Just as I got my leg over and started scrambling for a toe hold, my hands slipped and I fell backwards into the grass. Not giving me time to catch my breath, Jenna reached down and started pulling on my arms trying to get me to my feet. Once I got up, she grabbed me and we made a mad dash to the back door. Once we got to the door, she shoved me to the side and looked frantically both ways before sliding the glass door open. She reached back out and pulled me through the door.
“Okay,” she began breathlessly, “I think Noah is cheating on me. He just told me that he has to leave shortly because he got called in to work. I’m going to hide in the back of the car so I can see where he goes, so I need you to stay here with the kids. Got it? Good.” Jenna started to turn away from me, but I grabbed her arm and turned her around to face me.
Putting my hand on her forehead to check for a fever, I asked, “Jenna, are you sick? Or maybe drunk? What the fuck have you been smoking? You’re high, right? Cause there is no way in hell Noah is cheating on you. He’s a detective for cripes sake, so he probably does have to go into work.” I rolled my eyes at her as she ripped her arm out of my grasp and started to stomp away.
“I’ll be back sometime, I’m not sure when. You know where the blankets and pillows are, kids are asleep, duh, so…” and then she walked out to the garage without a backwards glance.
A split second later I heard footsteps thudding down the stairs and scrambled to cram myself into the pantry to avoid Noah as he walked towards the garage. God only knows what was going on with my sister, but far be it for me to ruin her carefully laid plans. Not that they really could be called carefully laid…but you get the idea.
I hear Noah call out, “Jenna? Honey? I gotta go, okay? Call me before you go to bed, baby, I love you. Jenna?” Footsteps start to walk back towards the stairs, hesitate for a second, then I hear Noah sigh and walk out the door to the garage. I stay crammed into the pantry until I hear the garage door go up, the car back out, and the door shut again.
Shaking my head, I headed for the linen closet to make up the spare bedroom and get back to sleep, knowing that Jenna hasn’t thought about when Noah comes home and finds me there and Jenna hiding somewhere in his car. That should prove to be an interesting conversation!
Not twenty minutes later, when I finally get settled and start to drift off to sleep, my cell phone rings. I groaned. Not again!
“Hello, Jenna,” I sighed as I answered, not bothering to even look at the caller ID.
“Hey. I’m hiding in the backseat of the car under his old raincoat. He so doesn’t know I’m in here! Anyway, he’s stopped at a Snack ‘N Shack to grab a couple things, but I heard him on the phone talking to someone. He said something about getting ready cause it could take all night, and then something about saving him a cigar.“ Her voice turned whiney. “Emma! He doesn’t smoke! And what could take all night? See? He’s cheating, I know…gotta go.” The phone clicked off in my ear without another word.
I pulled the phone away from my ear and tried not to rattle my brain shaking my head too much at my sister’s crazy antics. And she’s supposed to be the responsible mother one? Sheesh.
I woke up what felt like mere minutes later to see Noah standing in the door, looking at me in that disappointed, I’m a cop, you’re the bad guy, I want to put you in jail and throw away the key kind of way. Judging by the light creeping around the edges of the curtains, it must be morning. I sheepishly shrugged my shoulders and crawled out of the bed.
“Morning, Noah.” I lightly kissed his cheek as I passed him, intent on escaping to the bathroom.
“Emma, is there any way you want to tell me why your sister ended up crouched on the back floor board of the car under my rain coat last night? And maybe why your car is parked down the street by the fence?” Noah didn’t sound happy, but then again, I probably wouldn’t be happy having a lunatic for a wife, either.
I sighed. “Give me a minute and then I need coffee for this. Lots of it.” I heard him walk away from me as I shut the bathroom door behind me.
After washing my face and trying to tame my hair with my hands a bit, I left the bathroom and followed the heavenly scent of coffee to the kitchen. I needed to get my Tattoo Goo out of my car and take care of my tattoo, but I figured that could wait until I got home. When I walked into the room, I had to stop and stare for a minute at the chaos spread before me. Jenna was sprawled face down at the table asleep while Jarrod sat staring at her from across the table. He was eating the biggest bowl of cereal I think I’ve ever seen in my natural life. Hayden was standing beside Jenna’s chair steadily poking her lolling head with a noodle (not the pasta kind, the long Styrofoam tubey kind that you play with in a pool). God only knows where she managed to get her hands on one of those, and at her feet was a gallon of milk that was looking suspiciously blue.
Shaking my head, I grabbed the noodle out of Hayden’s hand and swiped the milk jug off the floor. Gazing into it’s depths, I decided that it wasn’t safe to keep, so I poured it down the sink.
“Hayden, its not nice to poke mommy in the head while she’s sleeping. Go wash your hands, sweetie and we’ll get you something for breakfast. How did the milk get blue anyway?” I asked.
Hayden shrugged her tiny little shoulders at me and said, “I don’ know, Aun’ Emmy.”
I watched as she clasped her hands behind her back, fingers looking a little blueberryish. Then I noticed the two empty packets of Blue Raspberry Koolaid crumpled between Jenna’s slippered feet under the table. Mystery solved. Well, at least I knew the what. The why? Hmm. Probably will never know.
Turning to Jarrod I asked, “Could you have found a bigger bowl, dude? You’re gonna make yourself sick trying to eat that much. Where’d your dad go?”
