He cleaned my backside, just as thoroughly and gently, before setting aside the washcloth. Cupping his hands, he sluiced water first down my front and then down my back, washing all the soap away. Finally, he lathered his favorite, expensive face wash between his hands to clean away the final evidence of my grief. I shivered; his deft fingers felt more invasive on my face than they had between my legs. When he’d rinsed the soap away, he kissed me very gently, wrapping me up in his arms.
“Better?” he asked.
I buried my face in his chest, unable to respond. I wasn’t sure when or how I would be better, after tonight. I couldn’t imagine what “better” would entail.
“I’ve missed you so much,” he whispered, letting his fingers trail down my spine before he pulled my hips tighter against his. The hot water still ran down our bodies, comforting me with its steady force. I didn’t know if it was fair to Ryu, or if I deserved it, but his arms around me felt good. He was warm, and solid, and I knew that he did care for me. For a moment, I desperately wanted that to be enough.
I lapped at the water running down his chest, moving my mouth across his chest to his flat pink nipple. Stroking my tongue across his smooth flesh, I heard him moan as his hands cupped my bottom.
“That’s it, baby,” he sighed. “Come back to me.”
I raised my lips to his for a kiss before he turned off the water then pulled me from the shower. We dried each other off and I wound my long hair up in a towel before following my lover into the bedroom. Ryu was waiting, standing beside the bed. When I joined him, he pulled the towel from my hair and, ever practical, he draped it to cover the pillows at the top of the bed. I sat down, scooting back toward the center of the bed, and he followed me. Inserting his hands under my hair at the nape of my neck, Ryu fanned its wet, dark length against the white towel as he lowered me down to lie before him.
“Beautiful,” he murmured, coiling a long, black strand in his fingers, which he raised to his lips as his golden eyes met mine. It was lovely, but I felt entirely unmoved. Ryu had a stockpile of such poignant gestures, and after everything that had happened tonight, I felt… past gestures.
Ryu stretched his muscular frame alongside mine, finding my lips with his. He tasted so familiar, so safe, that I nearly started crying again. Ryu’s body was linked in my memories with so many important moments that feeling him against me was almost like going back in time.
“Stay with me, Jane,” he whispered, kissing my eyelids before moving down my body. And I tried. I wanted, so badly at that moment, to be with him the way he wanted me. To love him the way he expected. I certainly loved what he did to my body, and a moan escaped my lips as he took my nipple between his teeth. But the moan came from far away. I had a bizarre sensation that made me feel, at that moment, less like I was making love to him and more as if I were flipping through an old photo album where I’d once been happy.
I cried out when he pushed my legs apart and licked me with those long, lazy strokes that he knew drove me crazy. But the pleasure was hazy, unfocused, and I bit my own tongue to try to force myself back into my body. He toyed with my clit, bringing me to the verge of climax, again and again, before finally kissing his way back up to my lips. I reached down between us to rub him against me, all the while licking, gently, at his lips. He loved it when I did these things. We played each other’s bodies like maestros, but my heart was stone in my chest.
When he moved inside me, shifting himself to hit all the right spots, I felt a physical pleasure wash over me that only made the void in my chest all the more obvious. Tears came to my eyes as unbidden thoughts sprang forward to plague me.
Maybe I just can’t love, I thought as Ryu’s unhappy face kissed away my tears.
“Not your fault,” I murmured to him guiltily as I hid my expression in his neck under cover of gentle bites. He stroked me harder, reaching between us with seeking fingers to precipitate the orgasm that shattered over me moments later. My head fell back with my cries, and Ryu’s fangs found my throat as he came with me. Momentarily quieted by my body’s pleasure, my mind gave me a blessed, if short-lived, respite.
After he’d fed, Ryu stayed inside me. His weight grounded me as I cradled him with my cupped pelvis, enjoying the heavy pressure of his body on mine. It felt as if he were holding me to the earth.
“You taste of sorrow,” Ryu said softly, feathering my lips with kisses.
“I’m sorry,” I murmured, unsure of what else to say.
“It wasn’t an accusation.”
He shifted off me and we went into the bathroom to clean up. As usual I took longer, and when I returned to the bedroom Ryu was cuddled up in bed waiting for me. I yawned as I joined him under the covers.
“Sleep, baby. I’ll be here when you wake.”
My mind was already shutting down, lulled by my body’s demands for rest.
“Thank you, Ryu. For being here.”
I felt his lips brush my eyelids. The last thing I remembered was his purring voice in my ear, telling me that he meant it when he said he’d always be there for me.
I was dreaming of my mother.
She was in front of me, perpetually one step ahead, as I tried to follow her through our house. Her voice echoed, laughing, from the kitchen. But when I crossed the hallway and pushed open the door, she was gone. Then I heard her upstairs, in her bedroom… but, again, by the time I’d thundered up the stairs, the room was empty.
This happened again and again, until finally I saw her pinning laundry on the line that stretched from our small back porch to the back corner of our shabby detached garage. Keeping my eyes on her, for I knew she’d disappear if I so much as blinked, I pushed open the screen door.
I crept forward, wanting so much to reach her. And yet my steps were hesitant, as if I feared what I might find when I turned that Mari-shaped figure around.
And that’s when the buzzing started. Like a fly but louder, echoing through our backyard. And each time it buzzed, something fell away. First the trees that bordered the very back of our lot disappeared, as if they’d fallen into the maw of some world-devouring goddess. Then, with each buzz, the darkness took another bite, until my mother was the only solid thing in front of me and I knew she would be next to fall. In my dream I lunged forward, screaming, as that deathly buzzing reverbrated again…
In reality, I jolted awake as Ryu’s BlackBerry thundered out another loud ring and Ryu finally answered it.
I lay in the bed, my heart pounding, trying to shake off the horror of my dream.
“What do you want?” Ryu said, his voice curt.
“She’s fine,” he responded after a second. Then he listened.
“Well, she’s safe now. I’ve got her.” I kept an ear tuned to his conversation as I peeled the sweaty sheets away from me and glanced at the clock. I’d been asleep only an hour and a half.
“I told you I’d take care of her, and I did. She was sleeping before you woke us up.” I knew Ryu was talking about me, but he didn’t sound concerned. He sounded… smug.
“Why don’t we leave the day after? Fine, tomorrow. Whatever. I’ll be there.” Then he turned off his phone, without saying good-bye.
He smiled when he saw me curled up under the covers, then he joined me.
“Gods, I’ve missed you in my bed,” he said, gathering me close. I was still disoriented by the dream, but I was also confused by Ryu’s telephone conversation.
“I’ve missed your bed, too,” I echoed carefully as I tried to pin down what it was that was bothering me about our present situation.
His lips found mine and his hands stroked my sides. He was very obviously ready for round two, but I realized I needed to know who was on the phone.
“Were you talking to Iris?” I asked as he nipped at my neck.
“Hmm?”
“Iris. Were you talking to her on the phone just now?”
Ryu pulled away, glancing up at me with an unreadable expression.
“No, it wasn’t Iris,” he said, taking my nipple between his fingers and rolling it gently. But I was not so easily distracted.
“Then who was it?” I asked. “You were talking about me. Unless you have another woman stashed about here somewhere.”
“Jane, let’s just enjoy our time together.”
I didn’t understand why he was being sketchy. Then again, now that I was fully awake and had had some time to recover from the shock of learning about my mother, I didn’t understand a few things. How had he known to come to Iris’s? Why had he been in Maine at all? How had he known about my mother’s death?
Grimly, my mind racing, I pulled away to sit facing him with the sheet in my lap.
“Yeah, Ryu. We do have to talk. Who was on the phone? And how did you know what happened?”
“Anyan. It was Anyan on the phone,” he finally replied begrudgingly.
“Oh,” I said. “What did he want?”
“He was checking to see if I was with you.”
“Right. Why did he think to do that?”
“You weren’t anywhere else so he checked with me.”
