Dig your stubborn heels
Firm into dirt.
And where is the dirt going?
- Kerro Panille, The Collected Poems
KERRO PANILLE finished the last briefing on Pandoran geology and switched off his holo. It was well past the hour of midmeal, but he felt no hunger. Ship's air tasted stale in the tiny teaching cubby and this surprised him until he realized he had sealed off the secret hatch into this place, leaving only the floor vent. I've been sitting on the floor vent.
This amused him. He stood and stretched, recalling the lessons of the holo. Dreams of real dirt, real seas, real air had played so long in his imagination that he feared now the real thing might disappoint him. He knew himself to be no novice at image-building in his min.... and no novice to the disappointments of reality.
At such times he felt much older than his twenty annos. And he looked for reassurance in a shiny surface to reflect his own features. He found a small area of the hatch plate polished by the many passages of his own hand when entering this place.
Yes - his dark skin retained the smoothness of youth and the darker beard curled with its usual vigor around his mouth. He had to admit it was a generous mouth. And the nose was a pirate's nose. Not many Shipmen even knew there had ever been such people as pirates.
His eyes appeared much older than twenty, though. No escaping that.
Ship did that to me. N.... He shook his head. Honesty could not be evaded. The special thing Ship and I have between us - that made my eyes look old.
There were realities within realities. This thing that made him a poet kept him digging beneath every surface like a child pawing through pages of glyphs. Even when reality disappointed, he had to seek it.
The power of disappointment.
He recognized that power as distinct from frustration. It contained the power to regroup, rethink, react. It forced him to listen to himself as he listened to others.
Kerro knew what most people shipside thought about him.
They were convinced he could hear every conversation in a crowded room, that no gesture or inflection escaped him. There were times when that was true, but he kept to himself his conclusions about such observations. Thus, few were offended by his attentions. No one could find a better audience than Kerro Panille. All he wanted was to listen, to learn, to make order out of it in his poems.
It was order that mattered - beautiful order created out of the deepest inspiration. Ye.... he had to admit it, Ship presented an image of infinite disorder. He had asked Ship to show its shape to him once, a whimsical request which he had half expected to be refused. But Ship had responded by taking him on a visual tour, through the internal sensors, through the eyes of the robox repair units and even through the eyes of shuttles flitting between Ship and Pandora.
Externally, Ship was most confusing. Great fanlike extrusions dangled in space like wings or fins. Lights glittered within them and there were occasional glimpses of people at work behind the open shutters of the ports. Hydroponics gardens, Ship had explained.
Ship stretched almost fifty-eight kilometers in length. But it bulged and writhed throughout that length with fragile shapes which gave no clue to their purposes. Shuttles landed and were dispatched from long, slender tubes jutting randomly outward. The hydroponics fans were stacked one upon another, built outward from each other like mad growths springing from mutated spores.
Panille knew that once Ship had been sleek and trim, a projectile shape with three slim wings at the midpoint. The wings had dipped backward to form a landing tripod. That sleek shape lay hidden now within the confusion of the eons. It was called "the core" and you caught occasional glimpses of it in the passage...thick wall with an airtight hatch, a stretch of metallic surface with ports which opened onto the blank barriers of new construction.
Internally, Ship was equally confusing. Sensor eyes showed him the stacks of dormant life in the hybernation bays. At his request, Ship displayed the locator coordinates, but they were meaningless to him. Numbers and glyphs. He followed the swift movements of robox units down passages where there was no air and out onto Ship's external skin. There, in the shadows of the random extrusions, he watched the business of repairs and alterations, even the beginnings of new construction.
Panille had watched his fellow Shipmen at their work, feeling fascinated and faintly guilty. A secret spy intruding on privacy. Two men had wrestled a large tubular container into a loading bay for shuttle transshipment down to Pandora. And Panille had felt that he had no right to watch this without the two men knowing it.
When the tour was over, he had sat back disappointed. It occurred to him then that Ship intruded this way all the time. Nothing any Shipman did could be hidden from Ship. This realization had sparked a momentary resentment which was followed immediately by amusement.
I am in Ship and of Ship and, in a deeper sense, I am Ship.
"Kerro!"
The sudden voice from the com-console beside his holo focus startled him. How had she found him here?
"Yes, Hali?"
"Where are you?"
Ahhh, she had not found him. A search program had found him.
"I'm studying," he said.
"Can you walk with me for a while? I'm really wound up."
"Where?"
"How about the arboretum near the cedars?"
"Give me a few minutes to finish up here and meet you."
"I'm not bothering you, am I?"
He noted the diffidence in her tone.
"No, I need a break."
"See you outside of Records."
He heard the click of her signoff and stood a blink staring at the console.
How did she know I was studying in the Records section?
A search program keyed to his person would not report his location.
Am I that predictable?
He picked up his notecase and recorder and stepped through the concealed hatch. He sealed it and slipped down through the software storage area to the nearest passage. Hali Ekel stood in the passageway beside the hatch waiting for him. She waved a hand, all nonchalance.
"Hi."
Most of his mind was still back in the study. He blinked at her foolishly, mindful as usual of the sheer beauty of Hali Ekel. At times like this - meeting suddenly, unexpectedly in some passage - she often stunned him.
The clinical sterility of the ever-present pribox at her hip never distanced them. She was a med-tech, full time, and he understood that life and survival were her business.
The secret darkness of her eyes, her thick black hair, the lustrous brown warmth of her skin always made him lean toward her slightly or face her way in a crowded room. They were from the same bloodlines, the Nesian Nations, selected for strength, survival sense and their easy affinity with the highways of the stars. Many mistook them for brother and sister, a mistake amplified by the fact that true siblings had not existed shipside in living memory. Some siblings slept on in hyb, but none walked together.
Notes toward a poem flashed behind his eyes, another of the many she brought to his mind, that he kept to himself.
Oh dark and magnificent star
What little light I have, take.
Weave those supple fingers into mine.
Feel the flow!
Before he could think of putting this into his recorder, it occurred to him that she should not be here so fast. There were no nearby call stations.
"Where were you when you called me?"
"Medical."
He glanced up the passage. Medical was at least ten minutes away.
"But how did yo...."
"Keyed the whole conversation on a ten-minute delay."
"Bu...."
"See how standard you are on com? I can tape my whole side of a conversation, with you and get it right down the line."
"But th...." He nodded at the hatch into software storage.
"Oh, that's where you always are when nobody can find you - somewhere in there." She pointed to the storage area.
"Hmmm." He took her hand and they headed out toward the west shell.
"Why so thoughtful?" she asked. "I thought you'd be amused, surprise.... laugh, or something."
"I'm sorry. Lately it's bothered me when I do that. Never take time for people, never seem to have the flair fo.... the right word at the right time."
"A pretty strong self-indictment for a poet."
"It's much easier to order characters on a page or a holo than it is to order one's life. 'One's life'! Why do I talk that way?"
She slipped an arm around his waist and hugged him as they walked. He smiled. Presently, they emerged into the Dome of Trees. It was dayside, the sunglow of Rega muted through the screening filters. All the greens came with soothing blue undertones. Kerro took a deep breath of the oxygenated air. He heard birds twittering behind a sonabarrier off in heavier bushes to the left. Other couples could be seen far down through the trees. This was a favorite trysting place.
Hali slipped off her pribox strap and pulled him down beside her under a cover of cedar. The needle duff was warm and soft, the air thick with moisture and sun dazzled through the branches. They stretched out on their backs, shoulder to shoulder.
"Mmmmmm." Hali stretched and arched her back. "It smells so nice here."
"It? What's the smell of an it?"
"Oh, stop that." She turned toward him. "You know what I mean - the air, the moss, the food in your beard." She brushed at his whiskers, wove her fingers in and out of the coarse hairs. "You're the only Shipman with a beard."
"So I'm told."
"Do you like it?"
"I don't know." He reached out and traced the curve of the small wire ring which pierced her left nostril. "Traditions are strange. Where did you get this ring?"
"A robox dropped it."
"Dropped it?" He was surprised.
"I know - they don't miss much. This one was repairing a sensor outside that little medical study next to Behavioral. I saw the wire drop and picked it up.
"It was like finding a rare treasure. They leave so little around. Ship only knows what they do with all the scraps they carry off."
She slipped her arm around his neck and kissed him. Presently, she pulled back.
He pulled away from her and sat up. "Thanks, bu...."
"It's always, 'Thanks, bu....'" She was angry, fighting the physical evidence of her own passion.
"I'm not ready." He felt apologetic. "I don't know why and I'm not playing with you. I just have this compulsion toward timing, for the feeling of rightness in things."
"What could be more right? We were selected as a breeding pair after knowing each other all this time. It's not like we were strangers."
He could not bring himself to look at her. "I kno.... anyone shipside can partner with anyone else, bu...."
"But!" She whirled away and stared at the base of the sheltering tree. "We could be a breeding pair! One pair i.... what? Two thousand? We could actually make a child."
"It isn't that. It'...."
"And you're always so damned historical, traditional, quoting social patterns this and language patterns that. Why can't you see wha...."
He reached across her, put his fingers over her mouth to silence her and gently kissed her cheek.
"Dear Hali, because I can't. For me partnership will have to be a giving so deep that I lose myself in the giving."
She rolled away and lifted her head to stare at him, her eyes glistening. "Where do you get such ideas?"
"They come out of my living and from what I learn."
"Ship teaches you these things?"
"Ship does not deny me what I want to know."
She stared morosely at the ground under her feet. "Ship won't even talk to me."
Her voice was barely audible.
"When you ask in the right way, Ship always answers," he said. Then, an afterthought as he sensed it between them: "And you have to listen."
"You've said that before but you never tell me how."
There was no evading the jealousy in her voice. He found that he could only answer in one way.
"I will give you a poem," he said. He cleared his throat.
"Blue itself
teaches us blue."
She scowled, concentrating on his words. Presently, she shook her head. "I'll never understand you any more than I understand Ship. I go to WorShip; I pray; I do what Ship direct...." She stared at him. "I never see you at WorShip."
"Ship is my friend," he said.
Curiosity overcame her resentments.
"What does Ship teach you?"
"Too many things to tell here."
"Just give me one thing, just one!"
He nodded. "Very well. There have been many planets and many people. Their languages and the chronicle of their years weave a magic tangle. Their words sing to me. You don't even have to understand the words to hear them sing."
She felt an odd sense of wonder at this.
"Ship gives you words and you don't understand?"
"When I ask for the original."
"But why do you want words that you don't understand?"
"To make those people live, to make them mine. Not to own them, but to become them, at least for a blink or two."
He turned and stared at her. "Haven't you ever wanted to dig in ancient dirt and find people nobody else even knew existed?"
"Their bones?"
"No! Their hearts, their lives."
She shook her head slowly.
"I just don't understand you, Kerro. But I love you."
He nodded silently, thinking: Yes, love doesn't have to understand. She knows this but she won't let it into her life.
He recalled the words of an old earthside poem: "Love is not a consolation, it is a light." The thought, the poem of life, that was consolation. He would talk to her of love sometime, he thought, but not this dayside.
