Author: Robyn Carr
“Lou?”
“You’re right. You’re right. We’ll hold it together. Where is she?”
“Now? I met her for a cup of coffee at Denny’s just off the highway in Bandon and I asked her to leave. I told her she couldn’t see the kids and that I wanted her to go away and leave us alone. And she said I’d hear from her lawyer. We have to be ready, Lou.”
“She can’t do anything, can she, Mac?”
“I don’t know. One thing at a time. I’ll see you at home.”
He signed off and then just sat in the Sheriff’s Department vehicle. He could barely remember when he was eighteen, nineteen. He was a freshman at Oregon State, boinking his high school girlfriend wherever they could find a time and place to be alone. She was on the pill; they were supposed to be safe. Now he wondered, of course, if she hadn’t maneuvered that like everything else. For his part, he had such passion for her he could hardly think straight. So when the pregnancy came, they got married immediately, running off to Idaho to a justice of the peace and spending one night in a cheap roadside motel.
He had believed he loved her. He held back her hair while she was sick during her pregnancy; he rubbed her back, worked two jobs, did everything he could think of to make her happy. And after Eve was born, Cee Jay organized a big fancy white wedding and reception they couldn’t afford, just so all her friends could fuss over her and party with her.
Lou had been appalled. But she’d been there, holding Eve most of the time so Cee Jay could party.
After that, Mac couldn’t remember them ever being happy. Maybe he’d just been too goddamned tired.
Before leaving the Denny’s parking lot, Mac drove by the side of the restaurant to look at the booth where he had just been sitting. He could see Cee Jay sitting in the same booth, laughing animatedly into her cell phone. How could she do that—laugh and joke after a meeting like that with her ex? After tears and begging and anger, how could she switch it all off?
Lou felt as if her face was on fire. Her heart was pounding and she put a hand to her solar plexus. She realized she was standing in the frozen food section, nearly yelling into the phone. A couple of people were looking at her—thankfully not people she knew. A man in his seventies dipped his chin and said, “You okay, miss?”
Miss? Lou was sixty! “Fine. Thanks, I’m fine.”
And then she wondered if she should leave her cart and run. Instead, she shoved her list in her pocket, ignoring what was left on it, and made a mad run through the frozen foods, throwing pizzas, casseroles, burritos, fried chicken and various other frozen meals in her cart. In went French fries, Tater Tots, garlic toast, peas, beans, cheesecake, cookie dough. She rushed to the dairy aisle and grabbed milk, cheese, cold cuts, sour cream, yogurt. She found the spaghetti sauce and pasta and loaded up. On her way to the checkout, her cart heaped with a mountain of food, she grabbed bread, chips and pretzels, two bottles of wine and a two six-packs each of soda and beer. It was like stocking for a hurricane. Yes. Hurricane Cee Jay.
“Whoa, Lou,” the cashier said. “Having a party?”
She was stunned by her mania. “Ah...just some friends.”
She wanted to take the kids home and bar the door. She had enough food to keep them going for more than a week. Maybe during that time they could figure out what to do about Cee Jay. Oh, God, she’s going to take them away from me, Lou thought in near despair.
She had to have help to load the groceries in the minivan and she rushed to get the kids.
“Why did you take me out of practice?” Ryan asked.
“Your dad asked me to round up you kids and bring you home. He wants to tell you something.”
“What?” Ryan asked, pulling off his shoes in the backseat.
“Well, I’m not completely sure,” she said, because she wasn’t. What was Mac going to say to them? Your mother is back—be nice to her?
While she was waiting for Dee Dee to load up her backpack from gymnastics, she dialed Eve’s cell phone. Eve was just leaving cheer practice and was going to go to Ashley’s house for a while. “I need you home—I have something I need help with. Stay at school, I’ll pick you up in about five minutes.”
“What’s going on?” Eve asked when she got in the front seat next to Lou.
The whole car smelled gamey, filled with the wild scent of sweaty kids. Lou had been doing this since before Dee Dee was walking—shuffling them to school, games, lessons, everything. The weekends were jam-packed, as well, they had so many things to attend to—housecleaning, laundry and general chores. They had a list—assignments for everyone. Seven days a week, twenty-four hours a day, Mac and Lou operated a split shift, making sure that everyone was covered and that everyone felt they were getting an equal amount of adult time and love.
Oh, God, she’s going to take them away from us and hurt them!
“Aunt Lou? What’s going on?” Eve asked.
“Your dad just asked me to round you up and bring you home—family meeting I guess. But hey—I bought a ton of food that’s extremely bad for you, so before we give him the podium, I’m going to need every hand to get this stuff in the refrigerator and freezer. Pizzas, lasagna, Stouffer’s mac and cheese, the really good stuff. And I didn’t even buy lettuce—we can work on our cholesterol later. We all on board here? Let’s get this stuff put away before we hunker down with your dad.”
“I thought he was working today?” Eve said.
“He is. I’m sure he allotted fifteen minutes for this family meeting. Try not to insult him with boredom.”
But Lou was secretly terrified and Lou was strong—it took a lot to terrify her. When she pulled in to the garage, she yelled, “Everyone, grab at least two bags!” When they all walked in, heavily laden, Mac was standing in the kitchen waiting for them. He looked at them. “There are a few more in the car,” she said.
“Jesus, Lou. Was there a sale or something?”
“Or something,” she said, beginning to shove things into the freezer, her head down. “Let’s not let it spoil.”
“Let’s do it,” Mac ordered. “Let’s put all this stuff away. Then we’re going to sit down for a talk.”
“Who’s in trouble?” Ryan asked.
“Me,” Mac said.
They sat at the dining room table. “There’s no way to sneak up on this, kids. I had the shock of my life today. I saw your mother.”
He was faced with three astonished faces. Big eyes. Open mouths. It was Eve who asked, “You just saw her?”
He shook his head. “She came to town looking for me. We had a cup of coffee together. We talked.” He took a breath. “It seems she realizes it was a mistake, leaving our family as she did.”
A bark of laughter came out of Eve and the look on her face was downright evil. “A mistake?”
He took a breath and noticed that Lou had her hands folded on the table and was staring down at them. Probably trying to keep herself from screaming. “I think it’s pretty normal to be angry about that,” he said evenly. “I was very angry for a long time, but at some point I decided it wasn’t good for us. It wasn’t good for me or for you. And at the time we got married, at the time your mom left, she was too young to make good decisions. She was only sixteen when we got married. I know every sixteen-year-old thinks they’re brilliant and wise and capable of making big life-altering decisions, but I’ve got news for you—in fact, when your mom left, she was still very young. She’d been thrust into adulthood, had never really lived, was so overwhelmed by responsibility...”
Eve leaned toward him. “It didn’t overwhelm you!”
“Yes, it did, Eve. I couldn’t manage. I had to ask Aunt Lou for help. And believe me, I was too young, too. So I did everything your Aunt Lou told me to do.”
Lou lifted her eyes. A very small half smile played on her lips and she gave a slight nod. Because, yes, he had. He was drowning and terrified and so angry. Lou, a savvy woman, mature with a lot of experience, talked him through it and helped take care of the kids.
“Eve, we’ve talked about this before and you’ve talked with your aunt Lou about this—this is the kind of hardship young families run into when they’re not grown up enough, not really ready to take on the world before they have the experience. That’s why I hope you graduate from college and have a handle on what you want out of life before you make the kind of promises and commitments your mother and I made. Promises and commitments we weren’t prepared for and didn’t know how to keep. I’m sorry, Eve. It’s as much my fault as anyone’s.”
“It’s not! You didn’t leave us!”
I got her pregnant, he thought. “Everyone has their own way of handling stress.”
“Aren’t you pissed?” Eve fired back.
“Yes,” he said. “But I’m not going to let that run my life. I don’t have to let anger control me and I won’t.”
“Dad, she left you! She signed us away!”
He so could use a drink right now. Not a beer, but a shot of something strong. “There are times I regret being so honest with you. Maybe it’s the cop in me—I always start with the truth. I just can’t keep track of a lot of lies. Listen, when I sent your mother those divorce and custody papers, I had absolutely no idea what her life was like. She could’ve been living in her car for all I know. I had to locate her and all I got was an address.”
“So?”
“So maybe she signed the papers as a favor to you. To me. To get it over with so she wasn’t a burden on anyone, I don’t know. And maybe she came back to say she was sorry because it’s taken her this long to get her life together—I honestly don’t know. All I know is—it’s not our problem. We have a pretty solid family and we’re going to keep our family solid. We’re strong, Eve. We can afford to be calm and kind.”
“Well, I might be solid, but I’m still pissed,” she said, giving the table a thump with her fist.
“I think that’s normal. Your life has been tough enough with only a dad and aunt—try not to let this event and your anger make your life any tougher.”
“Where is she?”
“I don’t know,” he said. “I was so surprised to see her, I forgot to ask. But I’m sure she’ll contact me again.”
“Are you letting her back with us?” Eve asked. “Are you?”
Mac was shocked by the question. He shook his head and frowned. “No,” he said, confused. “Eve, my marriage with your mother ended ten years ago, years before our divorce was final. I haven’t said this to you kids, but I know you realize it—I love Gina. We’ve been best friends for years and I trust her and care about her. And I love her. That doesn’t mean we’re getting married or moving in together or changing our families right now—but it’s a fact. And no other woman, not even my ex-wife, is going to change that.” He shook his head. “She will always be your mother, but she hasn’t been my wife in a very long time—so no, I am not inviting her to come home to us.”
“When she calls you again, tell her I want to see her,” Eve said angrily.
Everyone turned shocked faces toward her.
“That’s all. I want to see her. That’s all.” And then Eve got up from the table and left the kitchen. Momentarily her bedroom door slammed. There was silence around the table.
“Is she pretty?” Dee Dee finally asked, her voice a little smaller than usual.
They had pictures. There weren’t any pictures of Cee Jay displayed in their house, but the kids each had an album of photos taken during early childhood, pictures they could look at if they wanted to. That was Lou’s doing. Remarkable, given Lou was probably even more angry at Cee Jay than Mac was, if that was possible. But no one could make Cee Jay disappear and the kids were curious, naturally. For years Eve was obsessed with why her mother had left her but the younger kids just wanted to know who she was.
