THE BOARD OF LAW EXAMINERS USES certified mail to send the results of the bar exam. In law school, you hear stories of rookies waiting, then collapsing by the mailbox. Or running wildly down the street, waving the letter like an idiot. Lots of stories, stories that seemed funny then but have lost all humor now.
Thirty days have passed and there's no letter. I used my home address because I damned sure didn't want the letter opened by anyone at Bruiser's.
Day thirty-one falls on a Saturday, a day on which I am allowed to sleep until nine before my taskmaster beats on my door with a paintbrush. The garage under my apartment suddenly needs painting, she has decided, though it looks fine to me. She lures me out of bed with die news that she's already prepared bacon and eggs, and they're getting cold, so hurry.
The work goes well. Painting produces immediate results that are quite pleasing. I can see progress. The sun is blocked by high clouds, and my pace is leisurely at best.
She announces at 6 P.M. that its time to quit, that I've worked enough and that she has wonderful news for dinner-she will make us a vegetarian pizza!
I worked at Yogi's until one this morning, and I have no desire to go back for a while. So, typically, I have nothing to do on this Saturday night. What's worse is that I haven't thought about doing anything. Sadly, the idea of eating a vegetarian pizza with an eighty-year-old woman is appealing.
I shower and put on my khakis and sneakers. An odd smell emanates from the kitchen when I enter the house. Miss Birdie is buzzing around the kitchen. She's never made a pizza before, she tells me, as if I should be pleased to hear this.
It's not bad. The zucchini and yellow peppers are a bit crunchy, but she loaded it down with goat cheese and mushrooms. And I'm starving. We eat in the den and watch a Gary Grant-Audrey Hepburn movie. She cries through most of it.
The second movie is Bogart and Bacall, and the aches in my muscles start to set in. I'm getting sleepy. Miss Birdie, however, sits on the edge of the sofa, breathlessly absorbing every line of a movie she's watched for fifty years.
Suddenly, she jumps to her feet. "I forgot something!" she exclaims, and hurries to the kitchen, where I hear her digging through some papers. She races back to the den with a piece of paper, stops dramatically in front of me and proclaims, "Rudy! You've passed the bar!"
She's holding a single sheet of white paper which I lunge for. It's from the Tennessee Board of Law Examiners, addressed to me, of course, and in bold letters across the center of the page are the majestic words: "Congratulations. You've passed the bar exam."
I whirl around and look at Miss Birdie, and for a split
second would like to slap her for such a gross invasion of privacy. She should've told me earlier, and she damned sure had no right to open die letter. But every one of her gray and yellow teeth is showing. She has tears in her eyes, hands to her face, she's almost as thrilled as I am. My anger quickly yields to complete elation.
"When did it come?" I ask.
"Today, while you were painting. The mailman knocked on my door, asked for you but I said you were busy, and so I signed for it."
Signing for it is one thing. Opening it is another matter.
"You shouldn't have opened it," I say, but not really angrily. It's impossible to be furious at a time like this.
"I'm sorry. I thought you'd want me to. But isn't it exciting?"
Indeed it is. I float to the kitchen, grinning like a goofy idiot, taking deep breaths of unburdened air. Everything is wonderful. What a great world!
"Let's celebrate," she says with a naughty little grin.
"Anything," I say. I feel like running.through the backyard, yelling at the stars.
She reaches far into a cabinet, fumbles around, smiles, then slowly extracts an odd-shaped bottle. "I save this for special occasions."
"What is it?" I say, taking the bottle. I've never seen one of these at Yogi's.
"Melon brandy. Pretty strong stuff too." She lets forth a giggle. At this moment, I'll drink anything. She finds two matching coffee cups-drinks are never served in this house-and fills them half full. The liquid is thick and gooey. The aroma reminds me of something from die dentist's office.
We toast my good fortune, clink our Bank of Tennessee cups together and take a sip. It tastes like children's cough
I bet the pressure was too much. She's been sidetracked for the past three months, planning her wedding and picking out colors for her nursery. Must've neglected her studies.
Ha. Ha. Ha. I get the last laugh after all.
THE DRUNK who hit Dan Van Landel had liability insurance with a limit of one hundred thousand dollars. Deck has convinced the drunk's carrier that Van Landel's claim is worth more than the limit, and he's right about this. The carrier has agreed to fork over the limit. Bruiser was used only at the last minute, to threaten litigation and such. Deck did eighty percent of the work. I did fifteen percent at most. We quietly give Bruiser credit for the rest. But under Bruiser's firm's scheme of compensation, neither Deck nor I will share in the profits. This is because Bruiser has a clear definition of fee generation. Van Landel is his case because he heard about it first. Deck and I went to the hospital to sign it up, but that's what we're supposed to do as Bruiser's employees. If/we had seen the case first, and signed it up, then we would qualify for some fees.
Bruiser calls both of us into his office and closes the door. He congratulates me on passing the bar exam. He, too, passed it on the first try, and this I'm sure makes Deck feel even more stupid. But Deck shows nothing, just sits there licking his teeth, his head cocked permanently to one side. Bruiser chats for a moment about the Van Landel settlement. He received the hundred-thousand-dollar check this morning, and the Van Landels will be in this afternoon for the disbursements. And he feels that we, perhaps, should get something out of the deal.
Deck and I exchange nervous looks.
Bruiser says he's already had a good year, made more money than all of last year, and he wants to keep his
Board of Law Examiners, then an alphabetical listing, in very small print, of those of us who passed.
I pull the paper closer to my face, and read furiously. There I am! It's true. There's been no clerical error. I've passed the bar exam! I blitz through the names, many of whom I've known well for three years.
I search for Booker Kane, but he's not here. I check and triple check, and my shoulders sag. I place the paper on the table, and read aloud each name. There's no Booker Kane.
I almost called him last night, after Miss Birdie's memory revived itself and she handed me the wonderful news, but I just couldn't. Since I passed it, I decided to wait and let Booker call me. I figured if he didn't call within a few days, then I'd know he failed it.
Now I'm not sure what to do. I can see him, at this moment, helping Charlene dress the kids for church, trying to smile and put his best face on it, trying to convince them both that it's just a temporary setback, that he'll nail the exam next time.
But I know he's devastated. He's hurt and angry at himself for failing. He's worried about Marvin Shankle's reaction, and he's dreading tomorrow at the office.
Booker is an intensely proud man who's always believed he could achieve anything. I would love to drive over and grieve with him, but it wouldn't work.
He'll call tomorrow and congratulate me. On the surface he'll be a sport with vows to do better next time.
I read the list again, and it suddenly hits me that Sara Plankmore's name is not here. Neither is the name Sara Plankmore Wilcox. Mr. S. Todd Wilcox passed the exam, but his new bride did not.
I laugh out loud. This is mean and petty, spiteful, childish, vindictive, even hateful. But I just can't help it. She got herself pregnant so she could get herself married, and
"I might let you handle some of the argument, so be ready," Bruiser says. I swallow hard. The twinge turns into panic.
"Get to work," he adds. "It'll be embarrassing to lose the case on a motion to dismiss."
"I'm working on it too," Deck adds helpfully.
"Good. All three of us will go to court. God knows they'll have twenty people there."
SUDDEN AFFLUENCE triggers a desire for the better things in life. Deck and I decide to forgo our usual soup and sandwich lunch at Trudy's, and dine instead at a nearby steakhouse. We order prime rib.
"He's never split money like that before," Deck says, twitching and jerking around. We're in a booth in the back of a dark dining room. No one could possibly hear us, but he's anxious nonetheless. "Something's about to go down, Rudy, I'm sure of it. Toxer and Ridge are about to walk. The feds are all over Bruiser. He's giving away money. I'm nervous, real nervous."
"Okay, but why? They can't arrest us."
"I'm not worried about being arrested. I'm worried about my job."
"I don't understand. If Bruiser is indicted and arrested, he'll be out on bond before they turn around. The office will stay in business."
This irritates him. "Listen, what if they come in with subpoenas and hacksaws. They can do that, you know. It's happened before in racketeering cases. The feds love to attack law offices, seizing files and carrying away computers. They don't care about me and you."
Honestly, I've never thought about this. I guess I looked surprised. "Of course they can put him outta business," he continues, very intense. "And they'd love to do
people happy. Plus, it's been a very quick settlement. He, personally, has worked on it less than six hours.
Deck and I are both wondering what he did for six hours.
And so, out of the goodness of his heart, he wants to compensate us. His cut is a third, 6r thirty-three thousand dollars, but he's not going to keep all of it. He's going to share it with us. "I'm going to give you boys a third of my share, to be split equally."
Deck and I silently do the math. One third of thirty-three thousand dollars is eleven thousand, and half of that is fifty-five hundred.
I manage to keep a straight face and say, "Thanks, Bruiser. That's awfully generous."
"Don't mention it," he says as if these favors are a way of life for him. "Call it a gift for passing the bar."
"Thanks."
"Yeah, thanks," Deck says. We're both stunned, but we're also both thinking that Bruiser gets to keep twenty-two thousand dollars for six hours of work. That's somewhere in the neighborhood of thirty-five hundred an hour.
But I didn't expect a dime, and I suddenly feel wealthy.
"Good work, you boys. Now let's sign up some more."
We nod in unison. I'm counting and spending my fortune. Deck, no doubt, is doing the same.
"Are we ready for tomorrow?" Bruiser asks me. We argue Great Benefit's motion to dismiss at nine in the morning before the Honorable Harvey Hale. Bruiser has had one unpleasant conversation with the judge about the motion, and we're not looking forward to the hearing.
"I think so," I reply with a nervous twinge. I prepared and filed a thirty-page rebuttal brief, then Drummond and company fired back a counter-rebuttal brief. Bruiser called Hale to object, and the conversation went badly.
away with the entire fee, which would cover our overhead for a year. Let's get our own show, and keep all the money."
There's an ethical prohibition against lawyers establishing partnerships with non-lawyers. I start to mention this, but realize the futility of it. Deck will think of a dozen ways around it.
"The rent sounds low," I say, just to be saying some-tiling, and also to see how much research he's done.
He squints and smiles, the beaver teeth glistening. "I've already found a spot. It's in an old building on Madison above an antique store. Four rooms, a rest room, exactly halfway between the city jail and St. Peter's."
The perfect location! Every lawyer's dream spot. "That's a rough part of town," I say.
"Why do you think the rent's so cheap?"
"Is it in good shape?"
"It's okay. We'll have to paint it."
"I'm quite a painter."
Our salads arrive, and I cram romaine lettuce into my mouth. Deck shoves his around but eats little. His mind is racing too wildly to concentrate on food.
"I've gotta make a move, Rudy. I know things I can't tell, okay. So trust me when I say Bruiser's about to fall hard. His luck's run out." He pauses and picks at a walnut. "If you don't wanna go with me, then I'm talking to Nicklass this afternoon."
Nicklass is the only one left after Toxer and Ridge, and I know Deck doesn't like him. I also strongly suspect Deck is telling the truth about Bruiser. A quick perusal of the newspaper twice a week, and you know the man's in serious trouble. Deck has been his most loyal employee for the past few years, and the fact that he's ready to run scares me.
We eat slowly in silence, both of us contemplating our
it. You and I get caught in the crossfire, and nobody, absolutely nobody, will give a damn."
"So what're you saying?"
"Let's bolt!"
I start to ask what he means, but it's rather obvious. Deck is now my friend, but he wants much more. I've passed the bar exam, so I can provide an umbrella for him. Deck wants a partner! Before I can say anything, he's on the attack. "How much money do you have?" he asks.
"Uh, fifty-five hundred dollars."
"Me too. That's eleven thousand. If we put up two thousand each, that's four. We can rent a small office for five hundred a month, phone and utilities will run another five hundred. We can pick up a few pieces of furniture, nothing fancy. We'll operate on a shoestring for six months and see how it goes. I'll hustle the cases, you make the court appearances, we split the profits evenly. Everything's fifty-fifty-expenses, fees, profits, work, hours."
I'm on the ropes but thinking fast. "What about a secretary?"
"Don't need one," he says quickly. Deck has spent time on this. "At least, not at first. We can both cover the phone and use an answering machine. I can type. You can type. It'll work. After we make some money, then we'll get us a girl."
"How much will the overhead run?"
"Less than two thousand. Rent, phone, utilities, supplies, copies, a hundred other smaller items. But we can cut corners and operate cheaply. We watch the overhead, and we take home more money. It's very simple." He studies me as he sips iced tea, then he leans forward again. "Look, Rudy, the way I see it we just left twenty-two thousand dollars on the table. We should've walked
