Thankfully they were just rumors that were reported nonstop on ESPN and the news, but weren’t based on any facts. It was funny how often that kind of thing happened. So many things got leaked and talked about on the sports channels that had no factual basis at all. Not surprisingly, the mention of “a reliable source” was all those shows needed to give them the leeway to report whatever they wanted.
One day Jack’s coach pulled him into his office, and Jack told me later that he’d braced for the news, terrified to have to tell me he’d be leaving again. But the coach only called him in to tell him that the rumors were false and they had no intention of letting Jack go.
“I was so scared when Coach called me in, Kitten. You have no idea,” Jack confessed as we lay in bed that night.
“Oh, I can imagine,” I breathed against his chest. “I’m so glad it was only rumors.”
“They shouldn’t be able to say shit like that.”
“Daddy, bad word.” Chance’s tiny voice surprised us, coming from the doorway of our bedroom.
Jack and I immediately sat up. “You’re right,” Jack told him. “That was a bad word. What are you doing up, bud?”
“I had a bad dream,” he confessed, dragging his tattered blue blanket behind him as he walked toward Jack’s side of the bed. “Can I sleep with youse guys?”
I smiled and scooted away from my husband to make some space between us. “You bet. Get in here.” Jack reached for him and helped pull him up onto our bed.
“Thanks, Mommy. Thanks, Daddy.” He scrambled under the blankets and in no time fell back to sleep.
Jack stared lovingly at our little boy and said quietly, “I’m away from you two enough already. If they traded me I would have quit.”
“What? No, you wouldn’t have,” I insisted. Not because I didn’t want Jack to be home more, but because I didn’t really believe him.
“This is my tenth season, Kitten. Full pension after I complete it. I’ve been thinking about it anyway.”
“Thinking about what? Quitting?”
I couldn’t imagine Jack not playing baseball. All I’d ever known was him being a ball player three hundred sixty-five days a year. It wasn’t something he could turn off when he wasn’t playing. He was always prepped, prepared, and working toward new goals.
All his hard work paid off. The amazing thing was, Jack actually did come back as strong as he once was. He was right when he’d insisted that he just needed time to fully heal. These days he consistently threw between ninety-three and ninety-four mile-per-hour pitches, just like before.
“I think this might be my last season.”
I sucked in a shocked breath. Hearing those words from him both excited and terrified me. I didn’t want Jack to go back to being who he was when he got hurt. That fear remained, even as I responded, “It’s up to you. I’ll support whatever you decide to do. Just be sure, okay?” I smiled reassuringly and rubbed his arm before turning out the light and snuggling next to our bed-hogging son.
But my eyes stayed open as my mind whirled, and it was nearly dawn before I fell into a fitful sleep.
You Miss Out
It had been five years since Cassie and I extended our family, since the birth of our amazing son, Chance. I loved Cassie more today than I did yesterday. And there was no doubt that I’d love her more tomorrow than I did right now. There seemed to be no end to my love for this girl.
She made me a better person. She was the mother of my child. There was no way I could explain how this made me feel about her. I only knew that my heart felt like it expanded daily to fit in all the love I had for her.
Cassie started missing the majority of my games; even the home ones as Chance got older. She did her best to attend every game I was scheduled to pitch for, whether she brought Chance or not. And she only traveled with me if Melissa and Dean watched Chance, but now that he was starting school, she felt extra guilty about leaving him at all.
I tried to convince her to bring him to more away games, but it was just too hard for her during the school year. And even when we played at home, it was usually on a weekday and that didn’t fly with her. She insisted on giving Chance as much structure as possible, with a schedule that didn’t include growing up at a ballpark.
Weekends were a different story, though. Thank God for weekend games. Although now that Chance had started playing Pony baseball, I wasn’t sure how many of my games they’d be able to make.
I definitely played second string to my son. And you know what? I didn’t mind at all. What I did fucking mind, though, was the fact that I missed out on all these things. My entire life had revolved around being at a baseball stadium, or traveling to one.
There was no need for anyone to tell me how good I’d had it, because I already knew. But no one ever told you how hard it really was to balance family with a baseball career. You know why they didn’t tell you?
Because it was impossible.
There was no balance.
Baseball won every time.
Never getting days off to plan or celebrate anniversaries, holidays, or birthdays was one thing when it was just me and Kitten. It still fucking sucked and I felt like a dick, but Cassie never complained. Not once. But it was another thing entirely to miss out on your own kid’s birthday. Every year since he’d been born, I’d missed his party. Sure, I got to relive each one in a series of photographs Cassie had taken. But it wasn’t the same as actually being there.
Chance was getting ready to start kindergarten the next day. It was his first day of “big kid” school, as he liked to call it, and I was stuck in some swanky hotel in Arizona. I knew Cassie was fine without me, but I hated missing out on everything. Dialing her number, I couldn’t help but smile when he answered the phone instead of her.
“Hello? Daddy?”
“Hey, bud. Getting ready for school tomorrow?”
“Uh huh. We’re shopping right now.”
“Oh, I see. Can you put Mommy on the phone?”
“No.”
“Uh, why not?” I stopped myself from laughing.
“‘Cause it’s my turn to talk to you. She always gets to talk to you,” he said matter-of-factly.
“You’re right. But I need to tell her one thing and then she’ll give you back the phone, okay?”
“Okay.” His voice sounded deflated as he handed the phone to his mom.
“Hey, babe,” she said with a giggle.
“What are you shopping for?”
“Oh my gosh, the school gave us a list of supplies he needs for his class. You should see the size of this thing. I’m walking around the store trying to find all this crap.”
“Bad word!” Chance shouted in the background and Cassie apologized to him.
“Do you have any idea how weird it is to look at him and see you? He has your eyes, Jack. They make me miss you so much.”
“I miss you too. I wish I were there. Take pictures of his first day and send them to me. Don’t forget.”
I’d insisted that Cassie do that with everything I missed. My phone’s photo albums were filled with pictures of events and parties that I didn’t get to see in real life, but got to experience via photo text message.
“I won’t forget. Chance is pulling on my shirt. He wants to talk to you.”
“I love you, Kitten. Miss you,” I said before hearing the fumbling of the phone being passed over.
“Daddy, guess what?”
“What?”
He sucked in a big breath. “I start school tomorrow and Coby is mad because he can’t come with me. He has to be in the baby school still and I get to go with the big kids.”
I smiled. “So, you’re excited?”
“Yep! ‘Bye, Daddy. I love you,” he said out of nowhere before hanging up on me. I sat on my hotel bed with my jaw slack.
The little shit.
My phone immediately beeped with a text.
Sorry. Guess he was done. LOL. I’ll call you later. Love you.
Knowing that the list of shit he needed for school fell on Cassie’s shoulders made me feel like a complete asshole. I started to feel like my heart was made of kite string, unraveling into a heap of nothing inside my guts. My dad walked out on me and my brother and never came back. My mom chose to leave us too. I would never leave my family, but how was I any better than my parents? I may not have left, but I was still never home.
I tossed and turned all night, trying to fall sleep. Instead of being focused on tomorrow’s game, all I could think about was the fact that it was my five-year-old son’s first day of school and I was going to miss it. The same way I missed everything else in our lives. Tugging at my hair, I had to force myself to stop from crying at the mere thought that I had a five-year-old already. Where had the time gone? How had five years flown by so fast?
I fucking hated being away from my family and I especially hated missing important days like this. It made me feel like a worthless absentee father with each event I continued to miss out on. Cassie never made me feel bad about it. No one did. Everyone claimed to understand, but I was the one who stopped being so forgiving.
The next morning my phone beeped, and I was greeted with a picture of Chance. He was looking at the phone with a crooked smile on his face, his dimple showing, his hair all spiked up, and an oversized backpack on his back. Or maybe the backpack was normal-sized and he just made it look big because he was so little.
Another beep and I clicked on my phone to open one more picture message. Cassie and Chance took a selfie together and my fucking heart squeezed inside my chest. I felt it contract and release as I stared at my beautiful wife and son. Her eyes looked so green and her smile was so big, I wanted to reach into the phone and pull her image right out of it. Chance’s beaming face was pressed against hers as he gave me a thumbs-up.
Another big day missed. Another lost moment in time I’d never be able to get back.
Life was making me hate the one thing I’d always loved the most. Kitten excluded.
After our game that night, I called Cassie as we waited at the airport to catch our flight back. “How was it? Did he have a good day?”
She yawned. “He did. He made so many new friends and he told everyone that his daddy plays for the Angels. To be honest, I think his teacher has a crush on you. She was super googly-eyed when I picked him up today.”
I laughed. “Sounds like a smart chick.”
“I knew you’d say that. He has homework already.”
“What? Since when did they start giving kindergartners homework?”
“I have no idea, but he has this ginormous packet that’s due on Friday.” A packet I’d never get to help with because I was never fucking home. “Jack?”
“I’m here.”
“Are you okay? You sound upset.”
“I’m good, Kitten. I’ll see you soon.”
“When will you be home?”
“Late. I won’t wake you.”
“No, it’s okay. Wake me,” she said in a soft voice. “I mean it.”
At her words, I instantly started to harden, so I glanced around to be sure no one was looking as I adjusted my pants. Half-tempted to hop into our plane’s cockpit and fly myself back home, I paced the area of the private lounge instead. I didn’t want to be here anymore, away from her. I needed to be home.
