FOURTEEN
AT SOME point I began drifting in and out of sleep, aware that we were in a little car, and that Mojo was with us, panting heavily by my ear, and that we were driving through wooded snow-covered hills. I was wrapped in a blanket, and feeling miserably sick from the motion of the car. I was also shivering. I scarcely remembered our return to the town house, and the finding of Mojo, waiting there so patiently. I was vaguely sensible that I could die in this gasoline-driven vehicle if another vehicle collided with it. It seemed painfully real, real as the pain in my chest. And the Body Thief had tricked me.
Gretchen's eyes were set calmly on the winding road ahead, the dappled sunlight making a soft lovely aureole about her head of all the fine little hairs which had come loose from her thick coiled braid of hair, and the smooth pretty waves of hair growing back from her temples. A nun, a beautiful nun, I thought, my eyes closing and opening as if of their own volition.
But why is this nun being so good to me Because she is a nun
It was quiet all around us. There were houses in the trees, set upon knolls, and in little valleys, and very close to one another. A rich suburb, perhaps, with those small-scale wooden mansions rich mortals sometimes prefer to the truly palatial homes of the last century.
At last we entered a drive beside one of these dwellings, passing through a copse of bare-limbed trees, and came to a gentle halt beside a small gray-shingled cottage, obviously a servants' quarters or guesthouse of sorts, at some remove from the main residence.
The rooms were cozy and warm. I wanted to sink down into the clean bed, but I was too soiled for that, and insisted that I be allowed to bathe this distasteful body. Gretchen strongly protested. I was sick, she said. I couldn't be bathed now. But I refused to listen. I found the bathroom and wouldn't leave it.
Then I fell asleep again, leaning against the tile as Gretchen filled the tub. The steam felt sweet to me. I could see Mojo lying by the bed, the wolflike sphinx, watching me through the open door. Did she think he looked like the devil
I felt groggy and impossibly weak and yet I was talking to Gretchen, trying to explain to her how I had come to be in this predicament, and how I had to reach Louis in New Orleans so that he could give me the powerful blood.
In a low voice, I told her many things in English, only using French when for some reason I couldn't find the word I wanted, rambling on about the France of my time, and the crude little colony of New Orleans where I had existed after, and how wondrous this age was, and how I'd become a rock star for a brief time, because I thought that as a symbol of evil I'd do some good.
Was this human to want her understanding, this desperate fear that I would die in her arms, and no one would ever know who I'd been or what had taken place
Ah, but the others, they knew, and they had not come to help me.
I told her all about this too. I described the ancients, and their disapproval. What was there that I did not tell her But she must understand, exquisite nun that she was, how much I'd wanted as the rock singer to do good.
That's the only way the literal Devil can do good, I said. To play himself in a tableau to expose evil. Unless one believes that he is doing good when he is doing evil, but that would make a monster out of God, wouldn't it-the Devil is simply part of the divine plan.
She seemed to hear these words with critical attention. But it didn't surprise me when she answered that the Devil had not been part of God's plan. Her voice was low and full of humility. She was taking my soiled clothes off me as she spoke, and I don't think she wanted to speak at all, but she was trying to calm me. The Devil had been the most powerful of the angels, she said, and he had rejected God out of pride. Evil could not be part of God's plan.
When I asked her if she knew all the arguments against this, and how illogical it was, how illogical all of Christianity was, she said calmly that it didn't matter. What mattered was doing good. That was all. It was simple.
Ah, yes, then you understand.
Perfectly, she said to me.
But I knew that she did not.
You are good to me, I said. I kissed her gently on the cheek, as she helped me into the warm water.
I lay back in the tub, watching her bathe me and noting that it felt good to me, the warm water against my chest, the soft strokes of the sponge on my skin, perhaps better than anything I had endured so far. But how long the human body felt! How strangely long my arms. An image came back to me from an old film-of Frankenstein's monster lumbering about, swinging his hands as if they didn't belong at the ends of his arms. I felt as if I were that monster. In fact, to say that I felt entirely monstrous as a human is to hit the perfect truth.
Seems I said something about it. She cautioned me to be quiet. She said that my body was strong and fine, and not unnatural. She looked deeply worried. I felt a little ashamed, letting her wash my hair, and my face. She explained it was the sort of thing which a nurse did all the time.
She said she had spent her life in the foreign missions, nursing the sick, in places so soiled and ill equipped that even the overcrowded Washington hospital seemed tike a dream compared to them.
I watched her eyes move over my body, and then I saw the flush in her cheeks, and the way that she looked at me, overcome with shame, and confusion. How curiously innocent she was.
I smiled to myself, but I feared she would be hurt by her own carnal feelings. What a cruel joke on us both that she found this body enticing. But there was no doubt that she did, and it stirred my blood, my human blood, even in my fever and exhaustion. Ah, this body was always struggling for something.
I could barely stand as she dried me all over with the towel, but I was determined to do it. I kissed the top of her head, and she looked up at me, in a slow vague way, intrigued and mystified. I wanted to kiss her again, but I hadn't the strength. She was very careful in drying my hair, and gentle as she dried my face. No one had touched me in this manner in a very long time. I told her I loved her for the sheer kindness of it.
I hate this body so much; it's hell to be in it.
It's that bad? she asked. To be human?
You don't have to humor me, I said. I know you don't believe the things I've told you.
Ah, but our fantasies are tike our dreams, she said with a serious little frown. They have meaning.
Suddenly, I saw my reflection in the mirror of the medicine cabinet-this tall caramel-skinned man with thick brown hair, and the large-boned soft-skinned woman beside him. The shock was so great, my heart stopped.
Dear God, help me, I whispered. I want my body back. I felt like weeping.
She urged me to lie down against the pillows of the bed. The warmth of the room felt good. She began to shave my face, thank God! I hated the feeling of the hair on it. I told her I'd been clean-shaven, as all men of fashion were, when I died, and once we were made vampires we remained the same forever. We grew whiter and whiter, that was true, and stronger and stronger; and our faces became smoother.- But our hair was forever the same length, and so were our fingernails and whatever beard we had; and I had not had that much to begin with.
Was this transformation a painful thing? she asked.
It was painful because I fought. I didn't want it to happen. I didn't really know what was being done to me. It seemed some monster out of the medieval past had captured me, and dragged me out of the civilized city. You must remember in those years that Paris was a wonderfully civilized place. Oh, you would think it barbaric beyond description if you were spirited there now, but to a country lord from a filthy castle, it was so exciting, what with the theatres, and the opera, and the balls at court. You can't imagine. And then this tragedy, this demon coming out of the dark and taking me to his tower. But the act itself, the Dark Trick It isn't painful, it's ecstasy. And then your eyes are opened, and all humanity is beautiful to you in a way that you never realized before.
I put on the clean skivvy shirt which she gave to me, and climbed under the covers, and let her bring the covers up to my chin. I felt as if I were floating. Indeed, this was one of the most pleasant feelings I'd experienced since I'd become mortal-this feeling tike drunkenness. She felt my pulse and my forehead. I could see the fear in her, but I didn't want to believe it.
I told her that the real pain for me as an evil being was that I understood goodness, and I respected it. I had never been without a conscience. But all my life-even as a mortal boy- I had always been required to go against my conscience to obtain anything of intensity or value.
But how What do you mean? she asked.
I told her that I had run off with a band of actors when I was a boy, committing an obvious sin of disobedience. I had committed the sin of fornication with one of the young women of the troupe. Yet those days, acting on the village stage and making love, had seemed of inestimable value! You see, that's when I was alive, merely alive. The trivial sins of a boy! After I was dead, every step I took in the world was a commitment to sin, and yet at every turn I saw the sensual and the beautiful.
How could this be, I asked her. When I'd made Claudia a child vampire, and Gabrielle, my mother, into a vampire beauty, I'd been reaching again for an intensity! I'd found it irresistible. And in those moments no concept of sin made sense.
I said more, speaking again of David and his vision of God and the Devil in the cafe, and of how David thought that God was not perfect, that God was learning all the time, and that, indeed, the Devil learned so much that he came to despise his job and beg to be let out of it. But I knew I had told her all these things before in the hospital when she'd been holding my hand.
There were moments when she stopped her fussing with the pillows, and with pills and glasses of water, and merely looked at me. How still her face was, how emphatic her expression, the dark thick lashes surrounding her paler eyes, her large soft mouth so eloquent of kindness.
I know you are good, I said. I love you for it. Yet I would give it to you, the Dark Blood, to make you immortal-to have you with me in eternity because you are so mysterious to me and so strong.
There was a layer of silence around me, a dull roaring in my ears, and a veil over my eyes. I watched motionless as she lifted a syringe, tested it apparently by squirting a tiny bit of silver liquid into the air, and then put the needle into my flesh. The faint burning sensation was very far away, very unimportant.
When she gave me a large glass of orange juice I drank this greedily. Hmmm. Now this was something to taste, thick like blood, but full of sweetness and strangely like devouring light itself.
I'd forgotten all about such things, I said. How good it tastes, better than wine, really. I should have drunk it before. And to think I would have gone back without knowing it. I sank down into the pillow and looked up at the bare rafters of the low sloping ceiling. Nice clean little room, very white. Very simple. Her nun's cell. Snow was falling gently outside the little window. I counted twelve little panes of glass.
I was slipping in and out of sleep. I vaguely recall her trying to make me drink soup and that I couldn't do it. I was shaking, and terrified that those dreams would come again. I didn't want Claudia to come. The light of the little room burnt my eyes. I told her about Claudia haunting me, and the little hospital.
Full of children, she said. Hadn't she remarked on this before. How puzzled she looked. She spoke softly of her work in the missions . . . with children. In the jungles of Venezuela and in Peru.
Don't speak anymore, she said.
I knew I was frightening her. I was floating again, in and out of darkness, aware of a cool cloth on my forehead, and laughing again at this weightless feeling. I told her that in my regular body I could fly through the air. I told her how I had gone into the light of the sun above the Gobi Desert.
Now and then, I opened my eyes with a start, shaken to discover myself here. Her small white room.
In the burnished light, I saw a crucifix on the wall, with a bleeding Christ; and a statue of the Virgin Mary atop a small bookcase-the old familiar image of the Mediatrix of All Graces, with her bowed head and outstretched hands. Was that Saint Rita there with the red wound in her forehead Ah, alt the old beliefs, and to think they were alive in this woman's heart.
I squinted, trying to read the larger titles on the books on her shelves: Aquinas, Maritain, Teilhard de Chardin. The sheer effort of interpreting these various names to mean Catholic philosophers exhausted me. Yet I read other titles, my mind feverish and unable to rest. There were books on tropical diseases, childhood diseases, on child psychology. I could make out a framed picture on the wall near the crucifix, of veiled and uniformed nuns together, perhaps at a ceremony. If she was one of them, I couldn't tell, not with these mortal eyes, and hurting the way they were. The nuns wore short blue robes, and blue and white veils.
She held my hand. I told her again I had to go to New Orleans. I had to live to reach my friend Louis, who would help me recover my body. I described Louis to her-how he existed beyond the reach of the modern world in a tiny unlighted house behind his ramshackle garden. I explained that he was weak, but he could give me the vampiric blood, and then I'd be a vampire again, and I'd hunt the Body Thief and have my old form restored to me. I told her how very human Louis was, that he would not give me much vampiric strength, but I could not find the Body Thief unless I had a preternatural body.
So this body will die, I said, when he gives the blood to me. You are saving it for death. I was weeping. I realized I was speaking French, but it seemed that she understood, because she told me in French that I must rest, that I was delirious.
I am with you, she said hi French, very slowly and carefully. I will protect you. Her warm gentle hand was over mine. With such care, she brushed the hair back from my forehead.
Darkness fell around the little house.
There was a fire burning in the little hearth, and Gretchen was lying beside me. She had put on a long flannel gown, very thick and white; and her hair was loose, and she was holding me as I shivered. I liked the feel of her hair against my arm. I held on to her, frightened I'd hurt her. Over and over again, she wiped my face with a cool cloth. She forced me to drink the orange juice or cold water. The hours of the night were deepening and so was my panic.
I won't let you die, she whispered hi my ear. But I heard the fear which she couldn't disguise. Sleep rolled over me, thinly, so that the room retained its shape, its color, its light. I called upon the others again, begging Marius to help me. I began to think of terrible things-that they were all there as so many small white statues with the Virgin and with Saint Rita, watching me, and refusing to help.
Sometime before dawn, I heard voices. A doctor had come- a tired young man with sallow skin and red-rimmed eyes. Once again, a needle was put into my arm. I drank greedily when the ice water was given me. I could not follow the doctor's low murmuring, nor was I meant to understand it. But the cadences of the voice were calm and obviously reassuring. I caught the words epidemic and blizzard and impossible conditions.
When the door shut, I begged her to come back. Next to your beating heart, I whispered in her ear as she lay down at my side. How sweet this was, her tender heavy limbs, her large shapeless breasts against my chest, her smooth leg against mine. Was I too sick to be afraid
Sleep now, she said. Try not to worry. At last a deep sleep was coming to me, deep as the snow outside, as the darkness.
Don't you think it's time you made your confession? asked Claudia. You know you really are hanging by the proverbial thread. She was sitting in my lap, staring up at me, hands on my shoulders, her little upturned face not an inch from mine.
My heart shrank, exploding in pain, but there was no knife, only these little hands clutching me, and the perfume of crushed roses rising from her shimmering hair.
No. I can't make my confession, I said to her. How my voice trembled. Oh, Lord God, what do you want of me!
You're not sorry! You've never been sorry! Say it. Say the truth! You deserved the knife when I put it through your heart, and you know it, you've always known it!
No!
Something in me broke as I stared down at her, at the exquisite face in its frame of fine-spun hair. I lifted her, and rose, placing her in the chair before me and I dropped to my knees at her feet.
Claudia, listen to me. I didn't begin it. I didn't make the world! It was always there, this evil. It was in the shadows, and it caught me, and made me part of it, and I did what I felt I must. Don't laugh at me, please, don't turn your head away. I didn't make evil! I didn't make myself!
How perplexed she was, staring at me, watching me, and then her small full mouth spread beautifully in a smile.
It wasn't all anguish, I said, my fingers digging into her little shoulders. It wasn't hell. Tell me it wasn't. Tell me there was happiness. Can devils be happy Dear God, I don't understand.
You don't understand, but you always do something, don't you?
Yes, and I'm not sorry. I'm not. I would roar it from the rooftops right up into the dome of heaven. Claudia, I would do it again! A great sigh passed out of me. I repeated the words, my voice growing louder. I would do it again!
Stillness in the room.
Her calm remained unbroken. Was she enraged Surprised Impossible to know as I looked into her expressionless eyes.
Oh you are evil, my father, she said in a soft voice. How can you abide it?
David turned from the window. He stood over her shoulder, looking down at me as I stayed there on my knees.
I am the ideal of my kind, I said. I am the perfect vampire. You are looking at the Vampire Lestat when you look at me. No one outshines this figure you see before you-no one! Slowly I rose to my feet. I am not time's fool, nor a god hardened by the millennia; I am not the trickster in the black cape, nor the sorrowful wanderer, I have a conscience. I know right from wrong. I know what I do, and yes, I do it. I am the Vampire Lestat. That's your answer. Do with it what you will.
Dawn. Colorless and bright over the snow. Gretchen slept, cradling me.
She didn't wake when I sat up and reached for the glass of water. Tasteless, but cool.
Then her eyes opened, and she sat up with a start, her dark blond hair tumbling down around her face, dry and clean and full of thin light.
I kissed her warm cheek, and felt her fingers on my neck, and then again across my forehead.
You brought me through it, I said, my voice hoarse and shaky. Then I lay back down on the pillow, and I felt the tears once more on my cheeks, and closing my eyes, I whispered, Good-bye, Claudia, hoping that Gretchen wouldn't hear.
When I opened my eyes again, she had a big bowl of broth for me, which I drank, finding it almost good. There were apples and oranges cut open and glistening upon a plate. I ate these hungrily, amazed at the crispness of the apples, and the chewy fibrous quality of the oranges. Then came a hot brew of strong liquor and honey and sour lemon, which I loved so much that she hurried to make more of it for me. I thought again how like the Grecian women of Picasso she was, large and fair. Her eyebrows were dark brown and her eyes light-almost a pale green-which gave her face a look of dedication and innocence. She was not young, this woman, and that, too, enhanced her beauty very much for me.
There was something selfless and distracted in her expression, in the way that she nodded and told me I was better when I asked.
She looked perpetually deep in thought. For a long moment, she remained, looking down at me as if I puzzled her, and then very slowly she bent and pressed her lips to mine. A raw vibration of excitement passed through me.
Once more I slept.
No dreams came to me.
It was as if I'd always been human, always in this body, and oh, so grateful for this soft clean bed.
Afternoon. Patches of blue beyond the trees.
In a trance, it seemed, I watched her build up the fire. I watched the glow on her smooth bare feet. Mojo's gray hair was covered with light powdery snow, as he ate quietly and steadily from a plate between his paws, now and then looking up at me.
My heavy human body was simmering still in its fever, but cooler, better, its aches less acute, its shivering gone now entirely. Ah, why has she done all this for me Why And what can I do for her, I thought. I wasn't afraid of dying anymore. But when I thought of what lay ahead-the Body Thief must be caught-I felt a stab of panic. And for another night I would be too ill to leave here.
Again, we lay wrapped in each other's arms, dozing, letting the fight grow dim outside, the only sound that of Mojo's labored breathing. The little fire blazed. The room was warm and still. All the world seemed warm and still. The snow began to fall; and soon the soft merciless darkness of the night came down.
A wave of protectiveness passed over me when I looked at her sleeping face, when I thought of the soft distracted look I had seen in her eyes. Even her voice was tinged with a deep melancholy. There was something about her which suggested a profound resignation. Whatever happened, I would not leave her, I thought, until I knew what I could do to repay her. Also I liked her. I liked the darkness inside her, the concealed quality of her, and the simplicity of her speech and movements, the candor in her eyes.
When I woke next, the doctor was there again-the same young fellow with the sallow skin and tired face, though he did look somewhat rested, and his white coat was very clean and fresh. He had put a tiny bit of cold metal against my chest, and was obviously listening to my heart or lungs or some other noisy internal organ for a bit of significant information. His hands were covered with slick ugly plastic gloves. And he was speaking to Gretchen in a low voice, as if I weren't there, about the continuing troubles at the hospital.
Gretchen was dressed in a simple blue dress, rather like a nun's dress, I thought, except that it was short, and beneath it she wore black stockings. Her hair was beautifully mussed and straight and clean and made me think of the hay which the princess spun into gold in the tale of Rumpelstiltskin.
Again came the memory of Gabrielle, my mother, of the eerie and nightmarish time after I'd made her a vampire, and she had cut her yellow hair, and it had all grown back within the space of a day while she slept the deathlike sleep in the crypt, and she'd almost gone mad when she realized it. I remembered her screaming and screaming before she could be calmed. I didn't know why I thought of it, except that I loved this woman's hair. She was nothing like Gabrielle. Nothing.
At last the doctor was finished with his poking and prodding and listening, and went away to confer with her. Curse my mortal hearing. But I knew I was almost cured. And when he stood over me again, and told me I would now be fine and needed only a few more days' rest, I said quietly that it was Gretchen's nursing which had done it.
To this he gave an emphatic nod and a series of unintelligible murmurs, and then off he went into the snow, his car making a faint grinding noise outside as he passed through the driveway.
I felt so clearheaded and good that I wanted to cry. Instead I drank some more of the delicious orange juice, and I began to think of things . . . remember things.
I need to leave you for only a little while, Gretchen said. I have to get some food.
Yes, and I shall pay for this food, I said. I laid my hand on her wrist. Though my voice was still weak and hoarse, I told her about the hotel, that my money was there in my coat. It was enough money for me to pay her for my care as well as for the food, and she must get it. The key must be in my clothes, I explained.
She had put my clothes on hangers, and now she did find the key in the shirt pocket.
See? I said with a little laugh. I have been telling you the truth about everything.
She smiled, and her face was filled with warmth. She said she would go to the hotel and get my money for me, if I would agree to lie quiet. It wasn't such a good idea to leave money lying about, even in a fine hotel.
I wanted to answer, but I was so sleepy. Then, through the little window, I saw her walking through the snow, towards the little car. I saw her climb inside. What a strong figure she was, very sturdy of limb, but with fair skin and a softness to her that made her lovely to behold and most embraceable. I was frightened, however, on account of her leaving me.
When I opened my eyes again, she was standing there with my overcoat over her arm. Lots of money, she said. She'd brought it all back. She'd never seen so much money in packets and wads. What a strange person I was. There was something like twenty-eight thousand dollars there. She'd closed out my account at the hotel. They'd been worried about me. They had seen me run off in the snow. They had made her sign a receipt for everything. This bit of paper she gave to me, as if it was important. She had my other possessions with her, the clothing I had purchased, which was still in its sacks and boxes.
I wanted to thank her. But where were the words I would thank her when I came back to her in my own body.
After she had put away all the clothing, she fixed us a simple supper of broth again and bread with butter. We ate this together, with a bottle of wine, of which I drank much more than she thought permissible. I must say that this bread and butter and wine was about the best human food I'd tasted so far. I told her so. And I wanted more of the wine, please, because this drunkenness was absolutely sublime.
Why did you bring me here? I asked her.
She sat down on the side of the bed, looking towards the fire, playing with her hair, not looking at me. She started to explain again about the overcrowding at the hospital, the epidemic.
No, why did you do it There were others there.
Because you're not like anyone I've ever known, she said.
You make me think of a story I once read... about an angel forced to come down to earth in a human body.
With a flush of pain, I thought of Raglan James telling me that I looked like an angel. I thought of my other body roaming the world, powerful and under his loathsome charge.
She gave a sigh as she looked at me. She was puzzled.
When this is finished, I'll come back to you in my real body, I said. I'll reveal myself to you. It may mean something to you to know that you were not deceived; and you are so strong, I suspect the truth won't hurt you.
The truth?
I explained that often when we revealed ourselves to mortals we drove them mad-for we were unnatural beings, and yet we did not know anything about the existence of God or the Devil. In sum, we were like a religious vision without revelation. A mystic experience, but without a core of truth.
She was obviously enthralled. A subtle light came into her eyes. She asked me to explain how I appeared in the other form.
I described to her how I had been made a vampire at the age of twenty. I'd been tall for those times, blond, with light-colored eyes. I told her again about burning my skin in the Gobi. I feared the Body Thief intended to keep my body for good, that he was probably off someplace, hidden from the rest of the tribe, trying to perfect his use of my powers.
She asked me to describe flying to her.
It's more like floating, simply rising at will-propelling yourself hi this direction or that by decision. It's a defiance of gravity quite unlike the flight of natural creatures. It's frightening. It's the most frightening of all our powers; and I think it hurts us more than any other power; it fills us with despair. It is the final proof that we aren't human. We fear perhaps we will one night leave the earth and never touch it again.
I thought of the Body Thief using this power. I had seen him use it.
I don't know how I could have been so foolish as to let him take a body as strong as mine, I said. I was blinded by the desire to be human.
She was merely looking at me. Her hands were clasped in front of her and she was looking at me steadily and calmly with large hazel eyes.
Do you believe in God? I asked. I pointed to the crucifix on the wall, Do you believe hi these Catholic philosophers whose books are on the shelf?
She thought for a long moment. Not in the way you ask, she said.
I smiled. How then?
My life has been one of self-sacrifice ever since I can remember. That is what I believe in. I believe that I must do everything I can to lessen misery. That is all I can do, and that is something enormous. It is a great power, like your power of flight.
I was mystified. I realized that I did not think of the work of a nurse as having to do with power. But I saw her point completely.
To try to know God, she said, this can be construed as a sin of pride, or a failure of imagination. But all of us know misery when we see it. We know sickness; hunger; deprivation. I try to lessen these things. It's the bulwark of my faith. But to answer you truly-yes, I do believe hi God and in Christ. So do you.
No, I don't, I said.
When you were feverish you did. You spoke of God and the Devil the way I've never heard anyone else speak of them.
I spoke of tiresome theological arguments, I said.
No, you spoke of the irrelevance of them.
You think so?
Yes. You know good when you see it. You said you did. So do 1.1 devote my life to trying to do it.
I sighed. Yes, I see, I said. Would I have died had you left me in the hospital?
You might have, she said. I honestly don't know.
It was very pleasurable merely to look at her. Her face was large with few contours and nothing of elegant aristocratic beauty. But beauty she had in abundance. And the years had been gentle with her. She was not worn from care.
I sensed a tender brooding sensuality hi her, a sensuality which she herself did not trust or nurture.
Explain this to me again, she said. You spoke of being a rock singer because you wanted to do good You wanted to be good by being a symbol of evil Talk of this some more.
I told her yes. I told her how I had done it, gathering the little band, Satan's Night Out, and making them professionals. I told her that I had failed; there had been a war among our kind, I myself had been taken away by force, and the entire debacle had happened without a rupture in the rational fabric of the mortal world. I had been forced back into invisibility and irrelevance.
There's no place for us on earth, I said. Perhaps there was once, I don't know. The fact that we exist is no justification. Hunters drove wolves from the world. I thought if I revealed our existence that hunters would drive us from the world too. But it wasn't to be. My brief career was a string of illusions. No one believes in us. And that's how it's meant to be. Perhaps we are to die of despair, to vanish from the world very slowly, and without a sound.
Only I can't bear it. I can't bear to be quiet and be nothing, and to take life with pleasure, and to see the creations and accomplishments of mortals all around me, and not to be part of them, but to be Cain. The lonely Cain. That's the world to me, you see-what mortals do and have done. It isn't the great natural world at all. If it was the natural world, then maybe I would have had a better time of it being immortal than I did. It's the accomplishments of mortals. The paintings of Rembrandt, the memorials of the capital city in the snow, great cathedrals. And we are cut off eternally from such things, and rightfully so, and yet we see them with our vampire eyes.
Why did you change bodies with a mortal man? she asked.
To walk in the sun again for one day. To think and feel and breathe like a mortal. Maybe to test a belief.
What was the belief?
That being mortal again was what we all wanted, that we were sorry that we'd given it up, that immortality wasn't worth the loss of our human souls. But I know now I was wrong.
I thought of Claudia suddenly. I thought of my fever dreams. A leaden stillness came over me. When I spoke again, it was a quiet act of will.
I'd much rather be a vampire, I said. I don't like being mortal. I don't like being weak, or sick, or fragile, or feeling pain. It's perfectly awful. I want my body back as soon as I can get it from that thief.
She seemed mildly shocked by this. Even though you kill when you are in your other body, even though you drink human blood, and you hate it and you hate yourself.
I don't hate it. And I don't hate myself. Don't you see That's the contradiction. I've never hated myself.
You told me you were evil, you said when I helped you I was helping the devil. You wouldn't say those things if you didn't hate it.
I didn't answer. Then I said, My greatest sin has always been that I have a wonderful time being myself. My guilt is always there; my moral abhorrence for myself is always there; but I have a good time. I'm strong; I'm a creature of great will and passion. You see, that's the core of the dilemma for me- how can I enjoy being a vampire so much, how can I enjoy it if it's evil Ah, it's an old story. Men work it out when they go to war. They tell themselves there is a cause. Then they experience the thrill of killing, as if they were merely beasts. And beasts do know it, they really do. The wolves know it. They know the sheer thrill of tearing to pieces the prey. I know it.
She seemed lost in her thoughts for a long time. I reached out and touched her hand.
Come, lie down and sleep, I said. Lie beside me again. I won't hurt you. I can't. I'm too sick. I gave a little laugh. You're very beautiful, I said. I wouldn't think of hurting you. I only want to be near you. The late night's coming again, and I wish you would lie with me here.
You mean everything you say, don't you?
Of course.
You realize you are like a child, don't you You have a great simplicity to you. The simplicity of a saint.
I laughed. Dearest Gretchen, you're misunderstanding me in a crucial way. But then again, maybe you aren't. If I believed in God, if I believed in salvation, then I suppose I would have to be a saint.
She reflected for a long tune, then she told me in a low voice that she had taken a leave of absence from the foreign missions only a month ago. She had come up from French Guiana to Georgetown to study at the university, and she worked only as a volunteer at the hospital. Do you know the real reason why I took the leave of absence? she asked me.
No; tell me.
I wanted to know a man. The warmth of being close to a man. Just once, I wanted to know it. I'm forty years old, and I've never known a man. You spoke of moral abhorrence. You used those words. I had an abhorrence for my virginity-of the sheer perfection of my chastity. It seemed, no matter what one believed, to be a cowardly thing.
I understand, I said. Surely to do good in the missions has nothing to do, finally, with chastity.
No, they are connected, she said. But only because hard work is possible when one is single-minded, and married to no one but Christ.
I confessed I knew what she meant. But if the self-denial becomes an obstacle to work, I said, then it's better to know the love of a man, isn't it?
That is what I thought, she said. Yes. Know this experience, and then return to God's work.
Exactly.
In a slow dreamy voice, she said: I've been looking for the man. For the moment.
That's the answer, then, as to why you brought me here.
Perhaps, she said. God knows, I was so frightened of everyone else. I'm not frightened of you. She looked at me as if her own words had left her surprised.
Come, lie down and sleep. There's time for me to heal and for you to be certain it's what you really want. I wouldn't dream of forcing you, of doing anything cruel to you.
But why, if you're the devil, can you speak with such kindness?
I told you, that's the mystery. Or it's the answer, one or the other. Come, come lie beside me.
I closed my eyes. I felt her climbing beneath the covers, the warm pressure of her body beside me, her arm slipping across my chest.
You know, I said, this is almost good, this aspect of being human.
I was half asleep when I heard her whisper:
I think there's a reason you took your leave of absence, she said. You may not know it.
Surely you don't believe me, I murmured, the words running together sluggishly. How delicious it was to slip my arm around her again, to tuck her head against my neck. I was kissing her hair, loving the soft springiness of it against my lips.
There is a secret reason you came down to earth, she said, that you came into the body of a man. Same reason that Christ did it.
And that is?
Redemption, she said.
Ah, yes, to be saved. Now wouldn't that be lovely?
The Tale of the Body Thief237
I wanted to say more, how perfectly impossible it was to even consider such a thing, but I was sliding away, into a dream. And I knew that Claudia would not be there.
Maybe it wasn't a dream after all, only a memory. I was with David in the Rijksmuseum and we were looking at the great painting by Rembrandt.
To be saved. What a thought, what a lovely, extravagant, and impossible thought. . . How nice to have found the one mortal woman in all the world who would seriously think of such a thing.
And Claudia wasn't laughing anymore. Because Claudia was dead.
