When she returned the disk to him, he rose. In a blink, his manner changed, transforming from thought-provoking companion to the vampire who had seniority over her. The tone of his voice now reminded her of the pecking order of vampires, and what they could demand from those weaker than themselves.
“All that said, don"t ever forget that trying to turn away from your fated path can have some extremely unpleasant consequences, especially in the vampire world. If you believe you are facing two evils, be sure you are choosing the lesser of the two. For both of your sakes.” Gideon had pulled on jeans and threaded in a belt. He was buckling it, watching her. She"d turned her back to him, presumably to study something on the computer, but he sensed it was more than that. He saw flashes of the conversation she"d had with Brian, but she was putting some effort into screening it, so he respected that, choosing a different tactic.
“Did Brian have any preliminary findings?”
“The serum"s working as well as to be expected. He"s still working on strengthening it for stressors. He said he"d give Belizar a truthful assessment of my current status, so I don"t know what will come of it.” As she propped her chin in her hand, a wave of sable hair spilled down her right shoulder, but it couldn"t mask the strain in her face. “Daegan said not to worry, so I"ve decided I won"t. There. Easy as that. I"ve never wanted to be home more in my entire life.”
Sliding his hip onto her desk, he bent to press his forehead to hers. She allowed it, closing her eyes, and he cupped the back of her skull, holding there a soothing moment. “You"re a remarkable woman, Anwyn,” he murmured. “Do you know how fucking amazing you"ve been through all of this? I"ve seen battle-hardened warriors who couldn"t handle what you"ve handled these past couple weeks. I think you should schedule some time to fall apart in the near future. You deserve that.”
She pulled away, rising. The anger in her expression startled him, but he saw it wasn"t directed at him, but at herself. “No. I don"t deserve to fall apart, Gideon.”
“Why not? You didn"t ask for any of this, Anwyn. What makes you think you have to be more superhuman than anyone else?”
“Well, there"s the pot calling the kettle black again. You and Daegan just trade the honor back and forth.” The tension in her body became more pronounced. “I wasn"t just flogged half to death.”
“Stop. Please.” He rose, biting back a sigh as she merely detoured, did a lap around the couch. He could feel it in her, the worries she was juggling like the proverbial hot potatoes, afraid of dropping one, holding tight even as they burned her fingers. He marked her track around the room and this time when she made the circle, he successfully made the intercept, catching both hands.
“Hey.” Fortunately, when she tried to shove away, evade him, she forgot she could use vampire skills to do it. Catching her waist, he turned them so they tumbled into a deep chair, her across his lap. He gathered her into him with unyielding arms.
“I"m not a baby. Stop it.”
“I know that. Hey, I do. Relax.” When she glared at him, he cupped the side of her face.
“You"re the scariest thing I"ve ever met. But I still think of you as my baby. Just as Daegan does. No denying it, even if you kick our asses over it.” He teased her lips with a finger until she gave him an irritated look and snapped at him. Then the fight went out of her and she had her arms around him, holding him so tightly he thought he might have heard his ribs creak. He didn"t mind, holding her back the same way.
“I was afraid of losing it in there,” she murmured. “So afraid, because if I lost it, I knew I might lose you. I hated it.”
“For a moment or two, I think all three of us were ready to open a can of hurt on that group of losers. We would have all gone down together. Shhh . . .” He pressed his head down on hers, twisted his hands so her hair curled around his wrists, both holding her fast and making her feel he"d attached himself to her, a silken tether. He was starting to know how this particular Mistress worked, how she reacted to the reminder of her slave"s devotion and nearness.
“You think you"ve got me all figured out.”
“I"ll never do that, but I"m picking up clues. Why don"t you think you"re deserving, Anwyn?
What"s going on with that?”
“It doesn"t matter, Gideon. Just let it drop.”
“Everything about you matters.”
It made her mouth soften, but her fingers were clamped together, her body tense, as she leaned back in his arms, lifted her face to look up at him. Unfortunately, that little shift inappropriately woke another part of his body, the one that had been revved up in high gear during the dinner but not allowed to release. It woke to full, impressive life against her soft buttocks. He winced. “Sorry.”
“No apologies needed. I might have a use for that.” She gave him a feline smile, but he pushed the lust that infused his brain aside and tried to focus on the point at hand.
“We"re not talking about me. Whatever this is about, does Daegan know?”
“No. Well. I guess he could find out now, if he wanted to do so.” She sighed. “Fine. I guess withholding it turns it into this big dramatic moment, and I don"t deserve that, either. Plus, it was a long time ago.”
But her muscles refused to relax. He caressed her back, squeezed her. “Please tell me.” She closed her eyes. “You remember, a while back, I told you my aunt and uncle took us in, like yours did. But my uncle . . . you know.”
“Yeah.” His fingers flexed on her, a reassurance and protective anger at once.
“I had a younger sister. Beatrice. I called her Trice.” She shifted, rubbed a palm over the side of her face as if something was irritating her there. “I don"t want to draw this out. Long story short, as I told you, my uncle was a sleazebag who liked young girls, preferably those who"d just hit puberty. I was thirteen and didn"t quite understand what he wanted until one night when my aunt was gone. He pinned me down, tearing at my clothes. Trice hit him with a bat. I was so frightened, I ran.”
“Good.” Gideon relaxed his fingers from the fists that wanted to smash into the uncle"s face, but then he saw her expression. She shoved out of his lap, moved away, her fingers raking through her hair. This time he let her go, sensing her need for space.
“No, it wasn"t. I ran. My uncle was enraged, aroused, and he had something to prove. He raped my little sister. She was nine. Nowhere near puberty. She"d just started envying the fact I could wear a bra and she couldn"t yet. Liked using my makeup, trying on my clothes, imagining how she"d look in them eventually.” Her voice broke, but then she got it under control by dropping to a lower octave. It made her sound more savage. Her fingers were claws, digging into her biceps as she wrapped her arms around herself. “She fought him. She was brave where I wasn"t, my nine-year-old sister, and though he raped her, she kept fighting him.
He hit her in the face, over and over, to get her to submit. He broke her neck, and she died.”
“Oh, son of a bitch. Anwyn.” He rose, wanting to hold her again, but she shook her head, looked at him with such glassy-eyed vehemence he knew she was shoving back tears, an emotion she also didn"t think she deserved.
“I ran, Gideon. When I did, I discovered there is nothing as horrible, not in the entire world, as failing someone when they truly need you. There"s no pain or fear that matches that, even if you think so at the time. Right?”
As their gazes held, he remembered a girl in a yellow dress soaked with blood, who"d begged him not to leave her, but he had. She"d died alone among the stink of fear and monsters lingering in the shadows. Coming back to that, and to her still body, had chilled him in the marrow of his bones, such that he wasn"t sure they"d ever know warmth again. “Yeah,” he said.
“So what happened to me in that alley, I hated it. It was horrible. This . . . inability to control what"s happening to my body, that"s almost unbearable. But I would endure it all over again, every day. Hell, I"d let Fate magnify it ten times, if I could turn back time, go back to that moment and not run. To take what she did, so she"d still be alive. Which means I can endure all of this. And I will.”
She straightened, looking fierce and endearing to him at once in her strength and fragility. It broke his heart when she tightened her jaw and extended a hand, lacing her fingers in a knot with his that held, a shared bond. “I"ll not only endure it; I will continue to live my life and be everything I want to be, because that"s the gift my sister gave me. Daegan is right. To even indulge for a moment the idea of giving up, taking my life or just dying . . . I abhor that this can make me feel that way most of all.” She gazed at their clasped hands. “But one thing a Domme knows is that you can"t control everything you think or despair. You can only do your best to get past it. To keep getting past it, and live in the moment every day. That"s what I remember when anything gets too awful. To live in the moment if it"s good, or remember that it"s only a moment if it"s bad.”
“Okay,” he said quietly. “But you need to get past this idea that you don"t deserve it, that somehow your sister hates you for what you did.” He saw that in her mind, too strong and illuminated to ignore, though she gave him a reproachful look for the breach of privacy. He pressed forward, though. “People, at the root of it, they just . . . When it comes down to pain, it"s different.”
He rubbed a hand over his face, realizing generalities weren"t going to cut it. “There was this one vamp I killed. It was one of those that Daegan mentioned before, where it was self-defense on my part, and he had a female servant.” He swallowed, the memory still a tough one, but this was for Anwyn"s comfort, not his. “Sometimes it takes two or three minutes for the servant to die after the vamp does. I ended up staying with her, holding her hand until she passed, lying on his chest.”
